Wayne's World

A Year. Minus Ten.

2011-01-03T00:30:00.002+08:00

Another year.

Never thought that I'd be able to get through it so... smoothly.

Employment, is surprisingly even more therapeutic than escapism. It appears I have truly been happy for the past year. Amidst the frustration, anger, stress, pressure and being around stupid people (I believe I have developed an allergy), I have been happy. Or so I think.

Suffice to say, 2010 was amicable at best.

Happy New Year.

It's Business Time?

2010-01-13T10:09:00.002+08:00

All good things come to an end. I see mine coming over the horizon. Someone has definitely pulled the zip on the cover of my little, hidden-away den. My life as it has been for the past year and more needs to end. The problem is this, I am yet unsure if I am still capable of being who I am supposed to be. My carefree bubble has been popped and right now, I have yet to scramble and do what I am expected to... or is it that I don't know how to?

I now sit here sleepless looking at my bleak future and wondering where I will be in about two to three months from now. Emotionally numb, it seems rationality has chosen this very period of time to elude me as well. It seemed fitting that all the shit in the proverbial bucket would have to pour all over my face at one go. To top things off, I also feel completely stupid and unintelligent. Bright prospects indeed.

I am as optimistic as ever. God save the Queen.

In Death We Trust.

2009-12-28T15:10:00.003+08:00

The past few days have been filled, with both activity and food. As busy as an international jet-setter yet the mind never fails to drift and wander in the moaning moors of contemplation, of disdain and sickening speculation. No doubt I have been happy but that malingerer of a thought has been loitering in the back of my mind throughout. I know not what to think and when I think of what is to happen I can only feel sorry. I can only stand behind the one-way mirror and watch, a spectator and almost an accessory to this heinous crime.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I smell blood in the air. I hope that it only comes from my own wounds...

Beautiful Letdown

2009-12-25T02:46:00.003+08:00

'tis the season of the festive yet again. Every year brings difference which is both merry, refreshing and new but that solemn feeling of these 3 months is still with me. I may not have gone travelling far and away this time around but even the short trip to Bentong and the time I get to spend alone brings the same sour taste in my mouth and the long drawn breaths with their flavour of inadequacy.

Is it true that there is a difference in silence? I could swear the silence in the air of Bentong and in the countryside of fair Taiwan are vastly different from the silence I share with my room in which I sit at this very moment.

The year draws to a close yet I feel I have accomplished nothing. I have been told I am prettier, I have been complimented upon by some yet I feel I have let down so many more. I look to the turn of the decade to tell me where I stand in the world. I know that it is my choice and effort which places me where I want to be in the big bad world but what if I just want to know where I am now? Oh wait, I know where I am. The bottom. I guess I can almost see it (*wink*).

Why the Kookaburra Doesn't Laugh Anymore.

2009-12-02T04:11:00.005+08:00

The Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree and a very merry king of the bush is he but why can he no longer find reason to laugh? Has his song gone awry? His little equilibrium had been disrupted. He had found something that changed it all for the better. Laugh Kookaburra, laugh but why can he not find the slightest chuckle easy anymore?

Equilibrium was what he rejoiced in escaping from. His vicious little cycle had been broken and maybe instead of sitting around the bush all day, he found a friend to visit the billabong with. Someone he could swoop the swoop and loop the loops in time to. Laughter alone always ends up in horrible blight to the self.

The mate he had found himself to laugh with seemed to have been there by accident and maybe through a chuckle-gone-wrong, he had scared his newfound friend off. Maybe the loops were too loose, maybe his perch was awkward but he was still King of his Bush.

Equilibrium again. His old gum tree. Himself. Let us now laugh at him.

Blah.

2009-11-30T12:28:00.003+08:00

The past three days I have been without Internet in my humble abode. Every night I wanted to blog. Every night I had an entry in my head that I was determined I would get down here. Now that I have my Internet again, all the artistic and cryptic content which had so easily found its way onto my mind's slate is lost to me.

I am certain that I will come up with something suiting to weave into an intricate little boy scout badge to stitch upon my sash here but for now, I believe that one phrase will suffice.

Fuck me.

I will further elabourate at a later date.

Propagation of the Truth.

2009-11-24T11:02:00.003+08:00

Midnight. All is quiet. The silence is both soothing to the soul as it reeks with its indiscreet slither of insanity. All is still. All but that silent thump. *thump* *thump* *thump*, it goes slowly and - as if growing impatient - it slowly becomes louder and louder until *CRASH*.

What began as an innocent little pat would slowly become an incessant flurry of mad flailing and pounding upon the walls. The masons, the guards and gatekeepers are diligent. They stand fast and hold the fort. The walls will hold. There shall be no defeat this day. This day. What about the next? What about the month ahead? What about the future? Will fatigue not find its way into the souls of these obstacles? These shields of meat? Will not we succumb?

The city will soon tire of the ringing in its ears. Blow upon blow, it grew from a silent rhythmic harmony to a skippy beat and when the cacophony reaches its crescendo, will the city still be there? Will the walls hold? Not on this day. We are tired, we are hurt, but we have yet to be broken.

Hold fast and still my dears. Perhaps they can't see us shaking from the outside... We will win and they will never know of this...

D.A.R.D.

2009-11-16T03:26:00.003+08:00

What we can always rely on with confidence is who we are - our own personal Northern Stars to guide us through the sins we commit. The blank slates of our life continuously imprinted upon by grace, marred by betrayal, caressed by romance and love, defaced beyond recognition by loss and missed opportunities yet embroidered with memories of beauty and the mystical. The sins of our fathers, they haunt us like they were our own. Countless folds upon folds of unvoiced agony alongside the multitude of tears shed for joy, sorrow, grief and anger emanate within us. Silently dictating which path we take along the labyrinthine journey of life. Every step one takes along their path inevitably becomes an indispensable part of them, becoming one with the traveller's personal vat. Personal. Who we are. Who are we?

Some believe that we are the product of what we are put through, twisted metal scraps regurgitated from the grinder. Others believe that we are what we were taught to be, perverse images of flamboyant ideals.

Although I cannot invalidate the two, I must add that there is more to the equation. We are also the fruit born of what we want to become. Our capability to learn through interaction and through observation allows us to take a look at the bigger picture and decide what we would like to become. What I speak of has been labelled as intra-personal intelligence. Such introspection exists but is not practiced by all. Looking into one's self is not always simple and may be harrowing for some.

It is the examination of what we have become as a result of the collective trauma and glee which we have seen and been put through. We do actively choose what we become but it may not always be a choice we readily or even consciously make but there is always a choice. Heavily dependent on what one believes in for him or herself: True Justice, True Love, True Peace, True Joy, the list continues. The quest we embark upon is for the personal development of ourselves as engines of our beliefs.

Alas, through the twine of some lives, there is not time enough for such petty self-indulgence. Life carries on and little or no concern goes along with the decisions which are made with repercussion to the neighbour. The road is rocky, worn are the wheels but the truck which is them will still trample upon the livestock it ploughs through. The collateral is of no consequence to the actor. The injured lie broken and spiteful and decide to bring their truck to the fields...

Thankfully, I have no car yet.

The incoherence. I love it! I love it!!

True.

2009-10-31T15:09:00.003+08:00

It's true, when I am not so exasperated with my life, I stop posting here. Not to be mistaken, we all have our little exasperations in life. It's just that I believe that I can deal with this exasperation for now. So much so that I feel no need to spill my heart out here. There have been times where I wanted to but could not be bothered to do it.

I've found myself angry, moody, agitated, enraged and sad but lacked the initiative to bring it here. Been keeping busy with gaming, performances and convincing myself that I've got a job. What a farce. For now, I believe that I have better things to do than this but I am fairly certain that I will be back though.

Where The Yellow-Brick Road Crumbles...

2009-09-05T14:41:00.003+08:00

Life is but a dream. That is what it seems to be at the present. A mundane, meandering, slow-boating dream filled to the brim with subtle chaos.

'lo the pressing of those on the other side of the glass as they smear their faces upon the dome of the life I would like to call my own. Watch as they attempt to leave an impression of their hideous grimace upon the frames of my mind. They leave nothing but more; more shit on my wall to face.

It seems a custom I hold to myself that everything I attempt will end in failure. The confidence I portray is but the presence of the Masque or care (which in the case of the latter would be the lack thereof).

Less than a moon has past since I was told that I had spent close to two years working on something which might be deemed insufficient or irrelavent. Would I face the axe for the shame which currently dwells within me? The bile of bitterness returns directed otherwise at not only those which shot me to pieces but to the shards over the ground which made up myself.

Far from eager to learn of the fruit my labour has borne, far from ready to approach strangers and request that I be compensated for my 8.30-6.00 hours and far from ready to deal with everything else being smeared on my face.

Escapist, guide my path. Where shall I hide next?

Standing Alone In Time

2009-07-28T01:12:00.003+08:00

Second Upper eh? Good job brother. I am truly proud.

A conversation between a friend and myself a handful of days ago entailed some reminiscing and recalling of some of the memories which I used to run away from until recently. Honest and true. Oddly enough I never believed in running away from problems yet I still ran. I ran for my dear life. Or did I run away from everything else as well?
This new place I find myself in, this strange new place is soothing and somewhat carefree yet I feel empty. As corny as it sounds, I have lost a part of myself. I ran away from it. My friend insisted that I could find it again, I just needed to do some back-tracking. Not true. I have dropped it. I have lost it. It is impossible to reclaim. I could try to rebuild what was lost but I believe that it would never be what I used to be.

The masque. Beautifully decorated and an essential piece of my life. The layers it holds protects me from who I really am, it protects those around me from what I do not wish to share. Friends are beautiful people and they offer to help but this journey, as I have reiterated on countless occassions, is one that I alone have to face. Face. Funny. The masque is something which I still have with me and something that will be with me for the rest of my life. Of that I am very sure.

I do honestly believe that many live like I do. Some keep to their masque together very well, others cannot help but hold the broken pieces of theirs together in the hopes that nobody else is paying attention. There are so many of us out there, we are the same yet all alone. Hiding from something which we do not think we deserve. Hiding from society and cliques who do not need to know, who do not need the added salt upon their own wounds. Common courtesy in some circles, secrecy and mistrust in others. It is interesting how being polite can also be seen as mistrust which is a very unattractive yet unessential component of good manners.

I also finally admitted that I had learnt a thing or two from someone I once knew. Alongside the masque, I now have my very own personal fortress. How about a little bit of Wayne's Great Wall of Shit to hold people at the border? Beautiful. As unfair as it seems, I doubt anyone will get hurt in the process and hopefully I would have let these walls down by the time someone else comes into my life. For now, I just want to snuggle up in my blanket on my bed and in my fetal curl, be lonely, with these four cats.

On This Gusty Night.

2009-07-12T07:05:00.004+08:00

How I love the rain and all the stormy friends it brings along with her.
This night was beautiful. It continues to be as the breeze rolls in through my little window and caresses my face in the night as I type this out in my little lamplight. The beauty of the night seems to call for melancholy almost naturally. Nature's own little calling for a dark and slow groan, to remind itself of what within resides.
What a clever cellist the wind is with my steep abode's eleventh-floor windows and balcony.
How the tempo besmudges me with this beautiful state of emotion. How it droops my eyelids and sings to my heart to remind it of the darkness which still resides within. Slowly as It brushes against my lips and my chin does it enchant me with the memory of the requiem my own hollow self would hold if I held it against a listening ear.
I gaze outside and notice how Man's little decorations of light and bricks only seem to feel so still and stagnant amidst the life of tonight. The life of the night and the canvas of the world in symbiosis, in agreement that I should see and recall what I do:
Pristine white, pure and flawless, keen and guiltless, she mounts her ebony steed. To be beside her was a gift for that sun and moon. Quite like this one but with less beautiful scenery. I know not what else would bring about this beautiful little frame to mind and heart other than the yearning of this night. This gusty beautiful night...

Objectification.

2009-06-25T00:50:00.004+08:00

Yet another revalation.

It is odd how this one still feels light and freer than it once did yet in not questioning it, this one has no answers for what happenned earlier. It is still confused as to what this all means and it tries not to ponder too much upon it. This one yet ponders. It ponders about what could have caused this great crevasse between the two so great that even a wave would seem hazardous.
It would like to believe that It was over everything that has happenned and that it was free from whatever dredges it felt were holding it back and despite no longer feeling any weight from the little past yet this one cannot help but feel the sourish tinge when it was again reminded of how cold the ice-box really was.
Noticing in how this knot in the yarn is far from unravelled and smoothened out, this one will retract its thesis upon which this one presumed that it was over everything and that it could thenceforth enjoy the gaeity of life's bounty. This one must ponder more upon it.
T'was said that true love be eternal yet they never spoke of what would happen to them if indeed things ran awry. Does the immortality of this silly noun called love carry on and become a walking cadavre oozing with perversions of its former self?

This one gazes upon its wall of shit and smiles at the curves which seek to eke out an intricate design of irony which although appealing, destroys itself.

Ah yes, this one ponders too much, it thinks.

A Rant??

2009-06-08T07:14:00.002+08:00

The past few months have been beautiful. The melancholy and pain were an artistic twist in my life which will be remembered for quite a while on my account. Alongside that, I have learnt to enjoy myself and to do what I want without much thought of repercussion. I sit here now with very little time left for what many would have already completed. Many people rush here and there and up and down all day long for weeks and months on end for what I have in my hands. I on the other hand have left it hanging for months untouched. My final academic leap before I see the end of my undergraduate academic life yet still I feel no urge to complete this last mile in the journey.
I shun the responsibility upon me to do this not because I cannot do it but because I do not find myself in the condition to want to complete it. I believe that I will eventually come to and have to rush the work but until then, I will continue to smother my conscience and continue my life as it is at present.

I Guess Not.

2009-05-20T02:38:00.003+08:00

Well, as unconventional as this is for me, I believe that I should say:
Haha.
Although the past six months and more seem to have been an utter waste of time and a complete escapist path, tonight I feel fine. I feel so free tonight that I simply cannot believe that I own this blog :P.

I feel bubbly and warm. A feeling which has long eluded me in genuinity. I feel free. As if a great burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I am not sure what has happenned. Nor do I believe that it is important for me to find out. I shall revel in my mood for as long as it lasts. No brooding, no regrets, just thoughtful joy. At least for the moment =).

*bump!*

Regret?

2009-05-13T06:18:00.005+08:00

Many people have told me that I should carry on and that I should never have tried so hard. Many people who care about me told me that I should not have done what I had done when I was doing it. They called me stupid, they called me less than a man for what I had done for it. Now I look back upon it all... I look at what is happenning now... although I had wished for it to end better but we can't all have our cake and eat it can we? If that were the case we would all lead simpler and happier lives. Despite discouragement from a myriad of people... even the very person I fell for, I held on. Because I was stupid? Less than a man? Because I had bad taste? I held on through the toughest of times, through the roughest of treatments that the ordeal could throw at me. I never gave up... because I believe in You.
There is no typo there. I still believe in You. No doubt I cannot imagine myself with You ever again but I believe in You. I would like to tell You that but I am afraid it has been long since You have had ears for me. I would like to tell You that I still care. I still care about how You are feeling, how your day was, what You are up to, how things are coming along for You. I've wondered for about a year now. I would like to ask You of all these things but life is never that simple is it?
For all those "stupid" things, for what the situation is now, the only regret I have is for being bitter for too long.

And now we wait.

2009-05-12T15:27:00.004+08:00

After a night and more than half a day's worth of sleep, I have come to better terms with what I learnt earlier last night. However that currently is not the main concern. I learnt even more last night. This further knowledge was not of the same genre of its predecessor. It hurt. Disappointed. Instilled disbelief. Made me feel betrayed. Made me feel like the fool in a very cruel game.

All I can do now is to try and get things sorted out and to ask to talk with You. I want to clear things up. If only You would agree to talk with me... Till then I wait.

Whirlpools. Chaos. Havoc. I am lost.

Lost again...

2009-05-12T02:56:00.002+08:00

Tonight I asked a question which I wish I had not. An innocent question with all the best of intentions seemingly created another limbo for myself. I would like to apologize to BB for asking and for putting BB into a difficult situation. You have not betrayed your friend nor have you done anything wrong, which is why I apologize.

The hopes which I had built for myself in trying to pick up the dredges of our friendship has come to a halt for now. It will not progress any further until I find myself capable of digesting what I have learnt tonight.

I rage not for what has been revealed. I merely feel like I am a broken bottle taped together again and someone has just spun me and then tossed me into a brick wall upon which I have been scattered. The shards are everywhere. I am once again, lost. Dazed and confused.

I hope time will help me with this one.

This side...

2009-05-07T14:29:00.002+08:00

Another dream. About less than half a year ago, the dreams were of things we had done together, things we used to do, things I loved to do. I would wake up angry, angry at myself for having let such bliss slip, angry at You for having let these times fade. Today's was different. They have been different for a little while now. Perception. I feel somewhat happier now. I have always been somewhat happy inside. Just to see that You seem happier since You left me, more free, more... You.
I am happy for you. Apologies for the lack of physical distance between us sometimes. I have tried my best to give you space and time. I know not if my attempts were successful so I can only hope that they were of help. I know not what You are going through, I did my most to pay as little attention as I could but never could I stop wondering about what you might be doing and how you might be feeling.
With this, I might reiterate that I wish You happiness and that I hope someday soon, like we once talked about almost a year ago that we might one day sit down and enjoy a meal together like the friends we want to be. I can only hope that it is not only "the friends that I want to be".

No further pinch.

Now You Tell Me...

2009-04-22T23:34:00.003+08:00

It's been a while. Apparently I'm not like Pomme-Pomme or others who seem to have a lot to blog about. I don't have photos of my lifestyle which I'm ready to share with the world, a specific interest which encompasses what I do and what I blog about all the time. You notice my labels? Look for wall of shit. That's how I treat my blog. It's my wall of shit and when I feel like taking a dump, I do.

Monday, after my exam I was waiting for Pomme-Pomme to have lunch. An old friend came out of the exam hall before she did. We had a cigarette and my friend asks about You. It was interesting how she did not yet know of the break up but then and again, we were not particularly what one would call close friends. Her question was "how are you and that girl?" and my response to that was "it's almost been a year since we've broken up" but on hearing half of my response she remarked "you've been together for so long?!". "Oh...". Interestingly enough, my friend decided to promote You further. Commending me on being able to get such a "cute, pretty" girlfriend.

For people who know what my blog is like, sorry to keep you waiting, here's the pinch. I was stumped for a while once I heard my friend call You that. My mind could only say, "?!". It pains me to say that I had forgotten what You used to look like to me before it all went South. I have long since not seen the same thing for a while now. It would seem to be that I can no longer remember how I used to be able to drown myself in those eyes and all those times I corrected my cousin that the girl on the street he was checking out was ugly and when he said "yeah yeah, *name*'s the prettiest!" and I would reply with a wide grin and go "of course!". I really wonder where that all went. Does beauty really belong with the eye of the beholder? Has my perspective changed so much? I would like to believe that there is no more venom between the both of us but I can't help but feel the sting every now and then when You appear or turn up in a conversation. 5 hours on the balcony tells me this much, I'm not over this relationship but it would seem that I am over You. Where is the "cute, pretty" girl now? "Not bad, not bad".

I'm lonely, dejected and I miss someone. I just wonder why I really don't give a shit about anything anymore.

Drizzling.

2009-02-23T19:56:00.004+08:00

I remember holding you, holding you so tight.
I remember feeling the warmth of you in my arms once again.
The smell of your hair always seemed to sober me to the fact that I loved you.
The stuff of magic, how simple I thought it would be just to hold you like that,
just to engage in that embrace, be the embrace.
To be able to feel your heart beat,
to lie next to you listening to you breath,
to try and breathe with you,
like one being,
To watch you sleep.

Seeing that again brings memories so dear to me,
but the words you spoke and what you asked of me was no short from baffling.
It reminded me that it was not real.
That question awakened me and slapped me out of it although I kept dreaming.
How could it be that you would ask that of me?
How could it be true that you would want that still?
How could I answer that?

We just lay there, as I held you in my arms.
So simply, so close.
The tenderness of your lips still tingles on mine,
I saw it all again, the way it was, the way I thought it should be.
But I knew.
Once you find out you're dreaming, you rise in disappointment.
I do not know how I would answer what you asked of me.
Impossible.

But I fear the answer should fall far from yes.

Hail?

2009-01-31T05:15:00.002+08:00

Hail to the year of 2009. The festive season has come and will be coming to an end pretty soon. It is times like these where the feeling of lonesomeness peaks. 2008, a year of change according to the Oracle in my life right now (my dearest Panyang). I could not disagree with her. I saw many things change in the said year and what choice does one have but to adjust (or try to) in an attempt to be able to live with the changes.
I have found myself overwhelmed with some of these changes and my attempts to cope seem to have failed and are probably still failing. Unlike the intelligent sentient being which I supposedly am, I do not seem to be changing my approach to coping with these changes and making the best of my "resources". Instead I still cling onto the failure of a scheme which I have devised for myself in which I live for the moment and not pay a cent's attention to what is to come although it is haranguing me constantly. I seem to be able to constantly tell myself that I can succeed in ignoring the fact that it (my action plan) is not working and I am still suffering from what seems to be withdrawal-most-vile from the dredges of a relationship which failed so utterly. I seem to have let it toss myself out of whatever direction I had vaguely shaped for myself prior to falling head-over-heels.
Today it seems normal for me to feel that grunge in my belly everytime I am exposed to anything which hints at romance (or loneliness) and hold onto the thought so that I might further brood upon it as I throw myself back into flashbacks of what has been and what could not have been. Even my little getaway trip to Taiwan was not spared as every waking moment in that stupid little vacation, every bit of lovely scenery, every step I took in that strange and foreign country was taken with the wariness that I was there alone essentially despite being surrounded by family.
It would be a vile and malicious lie if I were to now say that I was not in love with You back then. It would be a second vile and malicious lie if I said that I was in love with you now. It would seem to be that I just have a case of absurd lonliness.
My coping mechanism is a primal one. Hedonism. Ever since that day, I have paid little attention to what consequence many of my actions and decisions would entail. I do what I can, when I can. I have joined a gaming community, I've shrugged most classes for half a year, I've let myself get silly drunk without much thought for others anymore. I've lost track of who I am. I've lost track of who I want to be. I sit here now because I have had a moment where I could lay back and think about what I will be doing in 4 month's time... I have no idea. With the grades which I have achieved, I do not see much of a bright future. I do not expect to be able to do what I had initially set out to do. I may have passed most of my papers but I am still essentially a failure. I am lost at what I am to do right now. I have no proper working experience to boast. I have not a rich family to buffer me as I try my hand at setting up my own business (nor the drive, interest or knowledge).
I blame not You for this. I might add that You have probably contributed but otherwise, like my old self, I will not blame You for it. Explaning myself stops there. I have made decisions most unwisely and the consequence of my hedonism is that I have a very blurry - if not bleak - future ahead of me. I do not relish what lies ahead.
On an ending note for this post, I would like to revise Shakespeare who was quoted: "T'is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" and say that I believe he was wrong in my case. Losing my virginity has altered not my appetite for sharing a woman's bed but having loved and lost without the benefit of actual physical distance from one another is chilling, cruel, frustrating and nothing short of agony.
The incoherence here is astonishing... I am still myself.

Theft Revisited, Relived.

2008-09-29T20:38:00.002+08:00

Was looking through some of my older posts and came across this poem I wrote quite a while back...

Robber of the Ocean's Blue

O'er all the calm in the seas,
All the blue grows but bluer,
All the pain grows but truer,
O'er moaning under the breeze.

The grumbling sands seem to bleed,
Ev'ry breath it breathes unto,
Shells- husks of dead sink into
the sands, torn from their creed.

Beyond the silky, tear-rimmed shore,
Deeper still into the spray,
Lurks the dark and far-away
eye of the storm, pain grows more.

Within the heart of this all,
Lie shreds of hope, long since lost.
All are but lingering ghosts,
Which never let the storm fall.

Cry now in eternal grief, O'er the pain that keeps growing.
Sigh now but not in relief, For the gale that keeps blowing.
Found now, is this Ocean's thief...

It is very interesting how then and now, this poem still represents how I feel...

22...

2008-09-21T22:13:00.003+08:00

Today marks the end of my 21st year. Last night my friends held a little party which I would like to think was for me. Drinks aplenty, food abundant, the music was to my liking... a little too much to my liking I'd say.

Happiness was what I had felt. Something that I hadn't felt purely for a long time. Alas, this happiness was not to be pure either. I was as happy as my capacity allowed at the time. I spent the entire night orbitting the emptiness which was the core of my existence then; it has been for a long, long time now. A simple shrug and point was all I needed to reaffirm myself that as happy as the occassion was, it was not for me. The happiness alas, was not for me. I know not what can ever fill this hideous vacuum which now resides in my heart... I know not why it or I was even there to begin with.
To be with my friends. People who I celebrate. People who remind me of the cheer that we are capable of creating for ourselves, to celebrate what we've all been through, to celebrate "us"-ness. A little insight from a dear friend soon had me questioning as well, why some of us were there. The uniqueness of the atmosphere of this little party soon unfolded into what a more observant me would have noticed without fail from the very beginning. For that night, it was not only our voices which were strained when the songs became singable... Manners? We lacked in them that night. Some of us even more so but what is one to do about such lax in conscience?
Smiles thrown here and there, laughter poured out of our hearts at each little antic we found ourselves doing... which of those smiles were donned at heart as there were on face?
As the night came to a close, I walked out of the room in which I had fallen aslumber and walked out to see that I had indeed missed a party. I had had a party robbed of me. I had been robbed of my birthday... I had been robbed of what used to be in this now vacant space inside... My wholeness, gone and along with it... someone else...
I do thank the hosts and all of my friends present for the organization and attendance of the little reunion. I fear though that I must say this has been the most melancholic of parties I've attended. I had fun. I really did. I enjoyed myself. But I was not fully myself to begin with.

Thank you Bishan, Thank you Kristie, Thank you Xinch, Thank you Bsim, Thank you May. And Sorry. I tried...

22.

Extravagant

2008-09-16T21:49:00.003+08:00

I had a dream last night. I know we all dream but how many people create a song in the dream? I can only remember the general content of the lyrics and of course the type of song it was. Coming from myself, it was obviously an emotional love song. A sad one. I can't remember how the song goes and how it is sung but what I do know is that it was a song for You.

Remember once where you said you were destroying me? Although I denied it, both of us knew it was true. And it is. I know not what has become of the person I used to call myself. I am probably twenty times more irritable than I was before, I probably am less patient than I was before. Moody is the word constantly associable with me now. Interesting. I am much more quiet and less cheery. Destruction? Nice.

Maybe I should listen to you and believe this is all because I'm such an attention-seeker and everything that I'd ever done for you was because I wanted your attention. Well then you've justified how you were trying to extinguish my "crave" from the very beginning to the end of it all. Congratulations. Your ignoring of this annoying little brat has finally paid off. You finally have what you want. Now I have no one to seek attention from and no one around me to give my attention to. What will happen next? I shall curl into a ball and die. Oh wait, I have a poodle to help me do that now. Joy.

Keeping this entry short, I'd say that you were the best and the worst thing to ever have happenned to me. My 21st year was a blast. I love you (do you believe me now?!).

Let It Simmer and then Watch It Fade.

2008-09-06T00:00:00.003+08:00

The frustrated anger from my last post was as always, short-lived and soon overcome. That wasn't something that would create any obstacle at all for myself. What would indeed be hard to overcome is somewhat more substatial than anger. It would have to be the cacophony of all the experiences that we had shared, all the dreams and plans which I had thought would happen one day and the nethermost desacration of my already derelict hope.

I have since decided that I shall just continue to be who I really am. Some minor things will be tweaked and of course I should pay attention to more things and to act when action is called upon. Sitting back and watching things happen is marvelous, yet there are certain things in which one must stand up and act for or against.

I shall take with me bitter-sweet memories and cherish what we once had and scrap everything else which is irrelevant. Irrelevant? What was relevant/irrelevant? This doesn't make things any easier. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"? Well, I've found loving someone isn't as simple. The reason being that even having lost, I yet still love... Or do I?

"I would say that it is her loss but why do I feel that I've lost so much more?" No matter how that is phrased it ends up being the words of a self-absorbed fool mocking the very foundation of what people call love. Do not approach me and tell me that it is merely a method of making oneself feel better because any fool could look at the bigger picture and see he is but adding to his jug of sadness and only ends up with an overflowing tank.

The other side of the coin?

2008-08-26T02:12:00.002+08:00

It seems to have been an aeon since I last posted something of substance at all. Much has come and gone since. More has gone however. Sadly.

The period of silence was not because I was too busy to blog. It was because I felt no whim to blog. I decided that I would ignore things such as this for a while. But tonight it's different. I'm in a "I-want-to-pour-my-heart-out" sort of mood. I feel like doing a little ranting so I can say things that I really feel like saying and putting some thought into text.

"Always give and not take". What have I learnt from that? Well, what goes around doesn't always come around like you'd want it to. Sometimes, the ettiquitte of a smile and some warmth isn't returned. You try to think of something to talk about and you hope you can soup up something which could break at least the 5-minute barrier so that you can gladly tell yourself "at least we can still talk" and at the back of your mind as you also seem to remember that it would be normal for the other person in question to reciprocate and also think of and try to talk about something which would be more than 2 lines to avoid observing a monologue. This is all of course if the other party in question is interested at all in such communication (note that 5 minutes was merely an example. I'm sure you got it).

I wonder why I bothered with those long pauses. Why I bothered to think of things to say when it was obvious that what I had to say didn't matter but would only matter if I said something wrong.

I've always thought of myself as a person who gave and I've always tried to live up to that. The extent to which I carry out my claim is unknown to me but I try. Maybe I should become more of a taker. Being a little more selfish may prove to be more practical. I should wait to be served, listen in on what could potentially be wrong and what I could potentially use as the currency of a synonym of blackmail. Of course I should watch my every step and ensure that I myself do nothing wrong leaving the other party at a loss of reason. Building such guilt and thronging the balance of power in my favour. Life would be easier. I would be happier and be able to sleep at night knowing that I have nothing to worry about other than what I can dig up from that other's cesspool.

To compliment that, I should also aspire to be completely unforgiving. Strike forth with wrath so furious that repentance would be known as stabbing a pair of scissors in your thigh - and that would only stop me from arguing and putting it in your face. I'll still make sure to hold it against you.

I should be less trusting as well, never ever letting anyone near anything of my possession and at the next moment's opportunity I shall plunder and ransack every possible nook or cranny to discover more filth within you so I can dig it out and smother it all over your face again.

I should be merciless and ruthless. Hot-cold will not work with me, I will let you "brew in your own stew". No, it's none of my business, you're having a hard time? I'll leave you to it. Support? Support is for losers. Wait, if that were true, then you would need it wouldn't you? I think I'll call you something else. I know! "Boyfriend". Or was it Ex?

Oh deary me, I'm so sad, I'm so angry at myself for letting this happen! What shall I do now? I miss half of what was me. Or so I thought. I should end it all. I don't want to carry on this way, I should end me. But I'm not suicidal yet... Tears? What tears?

I am not the happiest man on Earth right now and I am ranting because I can. If you have a problem with this, call me and we can sit down for tea and scones. My treat. Pfffffffft.

2008-06-08T02:01:00.003+08:00

Empty - The Click Five

Tried to take a picture
Of love
Didn't think I'd miss her
That much
I want to fill this new frame
But its empty

Tried to write a letter
In ink
Its been getting better
I think
I got a piece of paper
But its empty
Its empty

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

And I've even wondered
If we
Should be getting under
These sheets
We could lie in this bed
But its empty
Its empty

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

Oh oh
Oh oh
Oooooh
Oh oh
Oh oh

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

We're empty
We're empty...

So it's a Click Five Song. I didn't expect anything of such a quality to come from them but here I am quoting their lyrics. I love this song and it says a lot for me.

Lonely, Yeah That's The Word...

2008-05-26T10:59:00.003+08:00

It's been 8 months now since the last post. I'm sure the absence of posting has reduced the already minute amount of readers. I worry not as this is a personal blog anyway.
I've been away for a while now. Away not from where I geographically belong but from who I used to be. I think I'm back. Home sweet home? I think not. Yet then and again, it may be so.
You've heard tyme and tyme again, "lonliness in a crowd" is far from unheard of and I has it. It's not a disease that I loathe but rather a state of being which I used to revere. Sure I whore a lot - whore being the fact that I fly here and there around the social arena called "college" and I seem to be getting by well enough - but it's not as it once was. The feeling of emptiness has never been this big. A crevasse within me.

For those who know of my relationship (and there are so many of you [to me]), don't get me wrong, I'm still in it and I still love You.

Sometimes it's hard to think about change. I claim to be flexible yet there are some things I wish didn't have to change. Sadly, things do change. The progress as of late has been somewhat disorientating. Maybe some things change to fast, maybe I just can't accept the fact that it has happenned (the change) and maybe sometimes I hate the changes. But to what avail?
As a friend once said (in a personal message on her MSN), "logic does not apply to human emotion". The current state exemplifies this.

If you're reading and wondering what I am going on about and why I am being so incoherent with my post, you obviously haven't known me long enough to know that what I post here is never the full story (to all stories pertaining to my personal life) nor is it meant to enlighten others on what I think. This is my rant zone and rant I shall.

Back to what I wanted to talk about. Loneliness. As much of a hedonistic social nutcase that I appear to be at times, I wish to be alone. It almost seems to me that socialization is just business (and business isn't too bad) not only do I enjoy it, I love it. But I also yearn to be alone. 11 months back, things changed. Socialization seemed less important and instead I wanted other company. Still needing to be able to connect to others, I still continued to socialize (and I still do so till today). Recently it seems that such social masturbation has become insufficient to me. I still enjoy doing it, but it's not what I really want. I want to be who I am. I want to be myself, not burdened with the cadavers of what I've done or what I've been said to have done and worry less of what others would say or how they would react. I do not wish to be a slave to my own empathy. Such freedom will not however find it's way to the confines of my life it seems. I am who I am and I am burdened with this load of mort. Such is the price of accountability or attempted responsibility.

I am lonely, by myself, in myself, only with myself. I only wonder when I will take my load and shove it through this crevasse and walk away.

On This Day...

2007-09-21T00:31:00.000+08:00

21. A year older and to most, this is a special year. I'm not too sure about that. It's the entrance into my third decade of my journey in life. I've made it this far.

Life has given me its share of ups and down but tonight, it's given me quite a little bit of a twist of feelings of joy tainted with a wracking feeling of dread.

I would like to direct my thanks towards my friends, Bishan, Bryan, Bunny & Joel, Dong, Kok Wui, Fuzzy & Aileen. You people are really too kind. I thank you for the time you have spent with me and all that we share. A birthday without friends like you would mean nothing and would be just another day to myself. However with you people around it really does seem to mean a whole lot more. I would also like to dedicate my hearty thanks, my innermost appreciation to You. You, You and only You are all I want, all that I adore.

I had a really good time tonight. I really did. But in the corner of my mind, a feeling of dread proved to grow and impact me in full force later into the night. My grandmother returned from the hospital, she was visiting my aunt. I noticed something amiss as she walked past all the guests about in front of the house with her hanging head. I followed them into the lounge and decided to now discover why my grandmother was in tears. It was apparent, my aunt wasn't doing so well. This was exactly what I dreaded.

Sometimes the irony of how life in two different scenes can be so different from one another, sometimes even to the extent of being polar opposites. I bear both the joy and pain for myself. I share some, I may even show some, but it's all mine to take. As animated as I can be, there are times when I fail to show enough emotion. Sometimes too overwhelmed to show joy and at other times, too taken aback to portray my dread. Sometimes it is just beyond expression, when both ends are pulling at me.

I am thankful for what I have and I also feel sorry for what I might not have soon. It would seem that once again I am subject to what Life has to offer. I have no choice but try to make the best of it and try to be the best I can be.

P.S - Thank you for the Pink.
P.P.S. - Legal Age. Hoo!
P.P.P.S. - I adore You.

Tagged...

2007-09-15T20:54:00.000+08:00

Tagged: Things you want in your partner
I don't really do this nonsense but here goes. (thank You ==)

RULES:

1. The victim has to come up with 8 different points about his/her perfect partner.

2. Has to mention the gender of his or her partner.

3. Tag 8 other victims to join this game and leave a comment on their blog.

4. If you are tagged the 2nd time, there is NO need to do it again.

5. Lastly, have fun doing it!

Lets begin:

1. She has to be understanding. Almost impossibly understanding. She mustn't forget that I'm only human too.

2. Patience is something which is of the utmost importance because I can really get on people's nerves. For someone to get along with me well, she has to be able to take the nonsense I can sometimes throw at her without my noticing it.

3. A sense of humour is something which my partner absolutely MUST have. I could never live with a character who didn't know how to have a good laugh. I could never bear a person who took everything too seriously.

4. She has to be true to me. She cheats, it's over. No question. I don't care how hard it is for me or her. If it comes to her having to cheat, I must not be good enough for her.

5. She has to be as crazy about me as I am for her.

6. Mustn't be domineering. Once she thinks that just because I'd do almost anything for her that she can lord it over me she's got it all wrong. I can only take so much.

7. She has to trust me and believe that I would do anything for her as long as she stays within the bounds of logic and reason. She should always believe that I would never purposely do anything to hurt her (unless I hurt her even without my knowledge or unless I'm left with no choice).

8. 8 is hardly enough. Nor can I say enough to fill 8. What I want in a woman. My perfect woman will never exist because people are far from perfect. That doesn't mean that I won't love the one I am with/will be with as much as I can.

8 others:

I tag...

Jimmy (fuzzy)

Alexa

Kok Wui

Sharon (Tan)

Mag

Ping May

Ehaab

Prith

Hold On.

2007-08-30T23:54:00.000+08:00

Nothing like a little bit of music to set the mood into comprehension of what's been running through my mind for the past month or more. The past few days have been quite emotionally charged.

It's been a while since I've heard a good Goo Goo Dolls song and this one is relatively simpler than others but I think this one really does pull the right strings for me now.

The Goo Goo Dolls
Before It's Too Late

I wander through fiction to look for the truth,
Buried beneath all the lies,
and I stood at a distance,
To feel who you are,
Hiding myself in your eyes.

and hold on before it's too late,
Until we leave this behind,
Don't fall just be who you are,
It's all that we need in our lives.

and the risk that might break you,
Is the one that would save,
A life you don't live is still lost,
So stand on the edge with me,
Hold back your fear and see,
Nothing is real till it's gone.

Hold on before its too late,
Until we leave this behind,
Don't fall just be who you are,
It's all that we need in our lives.

So live like you mean it,
Love till you feel it,
It's all that we need in our lives,
So stand on the edge with me,
Hold back your fear and see,
Nothing is real till it's gone.

Hold on before its too late,
Until we leave this behind,
Don't fall just be who you are,
It's all that we need in our lives.

Hold on before its too late,
Until we leave this behind,
Don't fall just be who you are,
It's all that we need in our lives.

It's all that we need in our lives.
It's all that I need in my life.

P.S. : All I want.

Into The Dark.

2007-08-08T22:26:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I've posted. Hadn't really made any time to nor did I have the mood to post. There are quite a few things which I might blog about. Many an interesting tale which I might unfold what mischief has occurred in my colourfully monochrome life. Instead of all that, I choose speak of Death. Having the media and some of our friends' imaginations so vividly morbid, Death is nothing more than a topic which skims over the surface of the mundane.

It is nothing impossible when we say that Death is something we all must and will face in due time. In actual fact it is not the death of our near and dear which we resent but it is the loss of their company. The sudden extra space in the house or the empty chair at the table.

We don't look at those we love all the time and tell them how much in actual fact we that treasure them so. Not to say that we shouldn't have to but it is no lie that we can't constantly remind them how much we treasure them because half the time, we don't. We are too busy with our lives sometimes that we just don't get around to telling people we care for them and when we pass by them we just wave a short of flailing hand at them or a flick of the wrist so as to acknowledge them that they do not go unnoticed. We don't know what we've got till it's gone.

This post wasn't intended to make myself or the readers run off to give hugs to people they care about. That wasn't the point. That isn't the point. Notice people. Know them. Be the best you can for them. When they're gone, live on for them, for yourself.

I once said that I'd want to be the last one to die. This is because I couldn't bear to see anyone I care for standing alone with tears in their eyes. I'd prefer the pain to be mine.

P.S. : Oh lately it's been so quiet.

Fire?

2007-07-11T22:00:00.000+08:00

I'm not one to do multiple posts in one sitting (as it is I don't blog as often) but this really calls for a second post. As I was blogging the previous post, I noticed voices from my window (which faces the palm oil plantation behind my humble abode) and so I peered out the window. To my surprise, I noticed the stupid expatriate workers burning their garbage again but the flames were quite large this time. There were neighbours making noise about the burning (took them long enough to notice). I watched the flames grow higher. Soon, the fire got out of control and the top branches of the tree were aflame. The fire began to spread. Noticing the impending danger, I quickly rushed downstairs and dashed out front to grab the long hose. After dropping it off at the backyard, I called the fire department. When asked for my location, I remembered that I couldn't remember my house address to save my life. I rushed outside and got a neighbour to call in (the funniness). When I'd gotten the hose ready, one of the neighbours quickly took charge of it and began a futile attempt to douse the flames with our single, pathetic jet of water. After trying for about 15 minutes, the firetruck arrived. My street is such that there is no clear road which leads round back (tsk tsk). The only way it seemed for the firefighters to reach the fire was through my house! I let them in, opened the gates and led them around the side of the house and through the back door. They began their work on the fire and soon, they'd doused the flames. The whole incident took about an hour and more to settle. While they were fighting the flames, others were ravaging the slum houses nearby the factory where the scumbags who started the fire supposedly lived. They'd made a run for it. No one was in sight. The scoundrels! The police and the other departments will be hearing of this one. I have 2 photos but I'll update them later.

Ha. Herofish somemore.

The weekend that was a dream (almost)

2007-07-11T19:33:00.000+08:00

Ah, holidays it seems. Yeah right...

I volunteered to become a mentor in the Mentorship Malaysia Program under ARCCADE and right now (and even when I first signed up), I'm pretty sure I'm going to be on that shortlisted short list (it's a bitter-sweet thing). (*Poof*, my holidays go up in smoke.)

Went for training today. I woke up and hurried to college for the training session which was to begin at 9am. Lethargy. The only thing which consoled me about dragging my carcass out of bed that early on a holiday was a message from you.
Training was quite entertaining as I was put into a group with an animated character (Kok Wui) and I sure hope that we (my team) get along well and do a good job.
I forgot to smoke this morning (gah!). That probably was one of the causes of the lethargy and almost lackadaisically for the whole day. There are other reasons though. Anyway, the training was tiring, entertaining yet a drag.

Now, onto what was on the plus side (and yet on the minus as well). Last weekend was probably one of the most amazing ones I've had since 1986. The only other time I'd felt like I was in a fairytale or storybook was when I wasn't sober. I never knew anything quite like that. I never thought that could happen to me. I never knew. I never knew that the song could exist in such beauty and encompass such a sweet train of memories. Till you.
Sure the Sunday was a kink downwards but I'm here. I'm ready to provide what I can. You can get through this.
The human creature is one that makes mistakes. We learn from them, we learn.

Time is not our luxury yet so treasure it we must. Time will come around, patience will pay off, what we are will endure. I'm waiting.

You doomed thief, damned robber...

Over, For Me At Least.

2007-07-05T00:58:00.000+08:00

Today I woke up to one of the wierder dreams I have every now and then. Oddly enough I remember the content. It was something like a cross of a scene from Thief III, Prison Break and Counter-Strike. Woke up to getting shot in the left shoulder. I woke up to find that I'd overslept and I had numbed both my arms and my left shoulder felt like it had been shot. I was supposed to get up to finish up studying for my Social Psychology final later today (at 2pm). I planned to wake up at like 4am but woke up at about 5 something instead only to read 3-4 pages and finally give up and decide to go back to bed for about an hour or so.

Woke up to JoA's message. I'd missed the message I got from the Fuz about 4 minutes earlier. I didn't hear the alarm again. Bloody hell. We were following JoA to college again. After packing up my stuff for futsal, I left home. Off to college.

When we got to college, went for some breakfast and then went to a study room in Wisma Help.
Finals are over. At least for me. I seem to be the only one (other than Stef) who's finished with his/her finals. Everyone still has at least one more paper. Advertising Copywriting went averagely well and today's paper was quite decent. Managed to finish just in time (with 2 minutes to spare).

After the exams, we all adjourned at the ground floor of the building and what ensued was pure confusion. I didn't know who was joining us for futsal and people who were supposed to come suddenly couldn't make it. By this time, my head was throbbing, I was as hungry as a horse and was really really tired (oh, and did I mention I was antsy to get onto the pitch). Once again we were late (for futsal). There was a serious jam towards Subang. Apparently there was an accident. Must've been bad. Hope everyone's alright. Well, when we arrived on the (futsal) scene, we found there were only 7 of us in total. We had to resort to playing with a bunch of strangers who were just sitting around, waiting for their friends to arrive. The only name I could remember was Jack (I still have that problem with names, old habits do die hard ==). It was fun today apart from the part where JoA got kapow-ed in the temple by the ball with quite some force (Loretta, chill lmao). The guys we played with were good (at least better than me). It was odd how I was short of breath less than 5 minutes into the game. I wonder what happened. Maybe I was tired.
Picture from IStockphoto.

Afterwards, we went on to have dinner at a Chinese hawker stall and then all of us went our separate ways. I left my phone in JoA's car. The horror!

N.B. - My Kinda Angel ^^

Robots In The Sky

2007-07-01T00:03:00.000+08:00

Today has been quite a dramatic day for me indeed. Woke up feeling like someone stuck a wooden stake into my left shoulder blade. Was going to meet Stef in college to study for exams next week. I finished up the project proposal's executive summary, printed and handed it up by about 2pm and not long after, left college to look for the office where I was going to have an interview for an internship. The lady over the phone couldn't even provide me with proper directions which led me to driving around the whole of Petaling Jaya's section 14 quite a number of times. I was almost being driven up the wall by lousy drivers and people who didn't know how to park their cars decently. Malaysian driving isn't something for the person with a bad temper nor is it for those of faint heart. I finally found the office I was supposed to go to and only realized that it was a job I dreaded. The lady there, Daphne, wanted to hire me as a full time sales rep. No, I didn't want to be a sales rep. I wanted a marketing or copywriting internship. Not become a peddler. After about 40 minutes (or was it an hour?) of faking interest, I finally found a way to tell Daphne I would get back to her. I felt pathetic. I was again cursing my way through traffic as I drove us towards Cineleisure because we were to watch Transformers with Loretta, Dong (yay, can call him that again) and Steph A.

We reached Cineleisure ahead of time (for the movie). Poor JoA was starving. So was I. After walking about looking for a proper, light meal, we finally decided on Kenny Rodgers. With some soup and some peaceful conversation, I soon began to cool off a little. Soon, the others joined us and before we knew it, we were headed towards the cinema. I'd left my wallet in the car so I walked off to the car park to grab it before someone smashed a window to grab my very fat but relatively empty wallet. During the walk to the car, my gut began to ache. It wasn't a toilet emergency, it was pain in it's purest form. I was wondering if it was appendicitis but I doubted it. Making my way to the cinemas, I found the bunch of them congregated at the waiting area of the cinema and soon we were seated in our spots, waiting for the movie to begin. I was in pain throughout the entire movie. The screaming pain in my gut wouldn't let up. Must've been gas or something.

Transformers was AWESOME! It's been a long long time since I've been able to come out of a movie cursing at how brilliant it was. I was never a fan of yellow but after Bumblebee, I'm beginning to like the colour a bit. Just a bit. In the past, I was like every other kid who watched transformers and adored Optimus Prime. After watching that movie, my favourite character is DEFINITELY Bumblebee! That cheeky sense of humour and choice of music he has is so lovable!! All you Transformer fans out there, this one is definitely a must-watch. No kidding. I agree Spiderman and X-Men were horrible but this is definitely something which will impress your pants off. Personally, I felt that the cars in that movie were more impressive than what you'd see in 2Fast2Furious (didn't watch Tokyo Drift).

After the awesome movie, we decided to go to William's for dinner. I was still in pain but I guess the walking helped calm my guts down a little. It still hurt but it wasn't as bad as it was during the movie. Ivy joined us for dinner. A pleasant surprise. Dinner was good. Not too filling since we all shared food. After dinner, we chilled out a little then I had to go.

That was basically my Friday. It started off a little bumpy but the movie was so brilliant that it turned the day around for the better (yes, it was that good).

NB - Bear. It will all work itself out somehow. Have a little faith. Wish I was there. But I'm still here. Always.

A Little Bit of Heart-Music

2007-06-19T22:37:00.000+08:00

The Fear You Won't Fall
Joshua Radin

Diggin a hole & the walls are caving in
behind me,
airs gettin thin but im trying, im breathing in
come find me

it hasnt felt like this before
it hasnt felt like home..before you

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I cant get my mind off of you.

I know your scared that
I'll soon be over it,
thats part of it all
part of the beauty of falling in love with you,
is the fear you wont fall

it hasnt felt like this before
it hasnt felt like home..before you

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I cant get my mind off of you.

and I hate the phone, but I wish you'd call
thought being alone, was better than, was better than...

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I cant get my mind off of you.

cant get my mind off of you,

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I cant get my mind off of you.

This song is so painful. I had looping for 2 hours last night.
Really painful. It was also one of the songs which Marylee & Kevin
played during BBQ.

What you will never know.

2007-06-16T23:51:00.000+08:00

You look, but you don't see me.
I see you clear as day.
Day by day.
I watch you as you smile, how your eyes smile.
I watch my heart in your pocket. I watch it melt,
I watch it shatter and break.

You listen, but you don't hear me.
I hear you all about.
When you're near.
I hear you laugh, how your voice lifts me.
I listen to you as you speak, I listen silently.
I listen to my mind speak your name, over and over.
I am driving myself mad.

Pass by me. Walk through me. But never with me.
I reach out to you. I never make it.
I can never make it. You are too far. Too far.
I must let you go. I need to forget you.
You must never know. This pain I face,
Must always be my own. You do not deserve this.
Only I do. I let myself fall so hard.

I'm turning my back on you.
You will never know.
I will never know what it would be like,
To gaze into your eyes looking into mine.
To hold you. To play with your hair. To be yours.
I will never know. You must never know. I must let go.
At the very least, I must keep my pain to myself and only myself.

For those who understand this, comment but please do not ask questions. As for those who don't understand, just leave it be. The nature of the topic is such. Apologies.

The BBQ Nite

2007-06-15T03:29:00.000+08:00

Today was the day that we were preparing for. Went up to Subang to meet up with Shaun & Loretta to get some final jamming done. They went pretty well. After we'd finished that up, we went to pick JoA up. The guys wanted to have lunch so we did. After lunch, we went for some CS. Somehow, I managed to top-frag today. We got bored of CS after a while. We turned to Starcraft! It's been too long. I was pretty much playing the game myself till I noticed that Shaun had gotten wiped out. Then I somehow beat Loretta (haha). We just figured out we could play Diablo 2 when we had to leave (sigh).

On the way towards HUC where we (The Brotherhood of the Pink Ribbon), were to perform tonight for the BBQ Nite. We passed by a toppled car on the way. Oddest of oddities. There was an opened man-hole cover, the cops, the toppled car but no driver in sight, no skid marks, no broken glass, nothing. Odd. On reaching the foyer, where it was all going to happen, I was greeted with a voice which I never knew existed. Mary Lee. Amazing. She has such an amazing voice. Never thought that she could sing. Such talent.

When it came to our turn to do a sound check, we were asked to play a number. We chose the medley. The freaking medley. I emo-ed by just listening to the introduction of the first song. I have no idea why but something was off with the Chinese song. Well, after our sound check, I was just constantly emo-ing and when the performances began, the songs they played only intensified my emotions. Mary Lee & Kevin's performance was just so powerful. They were all mellow and soft songs but their choice of songs just plucked at my heart-strings like an eager harp. They did so well. Up next was Kingsley. I've heard some of Kingsley's songs before and he played the sweetest of songs for his girlfriend. They were so sweet.

We were up next. I was so nervous. From the beginning of the first song I felt like I needed to stand up but I kept in my seat. I guess it might've been obvious because I was a little fidgety. Really, I felt this absurd tingling in my chest. That happens everytime I get evaluation apprehension (go grab a psychology handbook :P). We sang the medley, I'm Yours, You & Me and wrapped the show up with When You Say Nothing At All. The Chinese song was wierd all over again. I don't know why. Maybe I was too emo-ed. To make myself feel better, I tried my hand at some one-liners to keep the crowd smiling. It worked, their laughter settled me a bit but I was still tingling. By the time we came to our last song, I couldn't take it any longer. I decided that I'd sing the last one standing up. Although this was probably the only song with mistakes by me and Shaun, this was probably the only song of the night where the audience actually sang along with a volume which could be heard. I'm glad I caught the crowd's attention. It took me long enough (==). I think people liked our performance. I'm glad they did. I glad we did it.

After the performance (since we were the last) the acoustics were all over. Friends were praising me left and right, I couldn't take it, not even in my normal state, let alone in my emo state. I need to learn how to accept compliments better. Really it's embarassing to act like a kid when I get them from people I'm not very close to all the time.
[Note: I'm not bragging, quite few people did come up to me with lines like "OMG you have such a nice voice..." and "You were brilliant Wayne!!"]

After playing some of the games organized by the council, we (a whole bunch of us: Loretta, Shaun, JoA, Munn, The Fuz, JoJo, Bunny, Yi Yang, Ivy, Kristy & Deon) went off to Murni's to grab some grub since Loretta & I didn't eat anything. Had a hard time trying to finish what I ordered (Napoleon Fried Rice - Fried Rice w/ fries, keropok & cordon bleu). The fact that I kept bursting out in laughter every minute didn't help with digestion at all either. At long last I finished my food and watched as Loretta didn't (he ordered the same thing I did, haha).

When we were done with the food, JoJo, The Fuz, Loretta & myself went off to play some CS while the others left for home. CS wasn't fun. We were too far apart to have any real fun. I was emo-ing all the way now. I had a window-seat at the cybercafe. Whenever I had the time, I'd look out the window and just emo... After about an hour and a half, Loretta had to leave so we all did.

And that ended a pretty interesting day indeed. Still Emo.

A Shorter Post

2007-06-12T02:09:00.000+08:00

My toe still hurts. It was throbbing this morning. I was limping like mad when I was rushing to catch the bus. Sadness indeed. I was aching all over. My head, my back, my thighs and my toes. Literally from head to toe? I really do need to sleep more like a human being. With my timetable and my lifestyle, it really isn't easy.

I messed my speech up today. Did it in the wrong format. I lost 50% of my marks right there. I got so peeved at that that I just took off and left, even though I was reminded that it was rude. The lecturer did impart a kind word or two. I brought it upon myself.

We jammed again today. Additional ideas for songs were : You & Me, This I Promise You. I didn't do well in the recording we made today. I need to buck up. Need to make sure I feel my songs. Need to really express. I don't want to go all emotional after the songs though. Happens too often. Way too often.

The 4 Day Package.

2007-06-10T20:27:00.000+08:00

Wednesday

We finally auditioned on Wednesday. Well, I can be sure that Loretta & myself were nervous. He looked the part and even followed through by fumbling here and there (the others didn't know he fumbled though). I on the other hand was seriously having a hard time getting my voice out there. Couldn't hit keys nor could I sustain them. To make this even funnier than it already is, it was a private audition. We had a room all to ourselves and only about 7 people were there to hear us. Only 7 people and we're already in pieces. We've got quite a bit of work to do. Well, we got through. I'm grateful and very much relieved because even with that performance, we already got a "I like it a lot". If we can get composed properly, I think we'll do wonders on the night itself. Ha. Did I mention that I think I'd like to call us The Brotherhood of the Pink Ribbon? In the night when I got home, I picked up the lame Malay article and began to translate it for the group members (and myself). God, I was up all night. Sick of Malay. Yes. Sick Sick Sick. Then I left home for college.

Thursday

Yes, I left home for college and was a zombie which was too tired to even sleep in JoA's car. Today we had tutorials, tutes were fun. JoA was finally enlightened on why I called someone what I called her before. Now she understands that I wasn't being mean (lol). After tutes and JoA's short meeting, we began trying to figure out where to eat. We settled for lunch in Rice Bowls. Some interesting conversation ensued. During our interesting conversation, an idea of what to do while waiting for The Fuz to get to the train station came to me. We were to go to KL Tower. JoA had wanted to go for a while now (2 years?) and I never really thought of visiting because it never really crossed my mind. We headed towards the tower and reached there after taking a wrong turn or two. It was interesting how when we reached the base of the tower, we seemed more excited about looking for the entrance to the duty-free store there. We couldn't find it because the store wasn't opened yet (sadness). In disappointment, we then went into the tower. RM20 (sheesh), that's what it costs for a foreigner to get to the top of the tower. I was a little shocked when the lady at the counter said that if we showed her our ICs, we, as Malaysian citizens only had to pay half that price. The wonders of being a Malaysian! I'm patriotic again!
The tower was nothing special though. Of all the days to go up there, we chose a hazy day. We couldn't see too far and besides, the observation deck was a little crowded. It was alright I guess, for the first 5 minutes.

One of the pix we took at KL Tower

Well, after leaving the very interesting KL tower, we decided it was time to go. I hadn't slept all night. I was up doing a translation of some lame Malay psychology article. I think I've had enough of Malay for a while. We went to pick The Fuz up. On the way there I fell asleep. We picked up The Fuz and then after changing at JoA's place, we took off for Rio to play some futsal. FUTSAL! Me?! Futsal?! Something I really didn't expect myself to enjoy. I was never really a footie person. Sure I've played my share of footie back in highschool but that was it. Never really touched a football since highschool (so I correct myself here, it's been more than 2 years. Maybe even 4 years). Well, I got the taste of what I had expected. My stamina was in the ruts. 15 minutes into the game and I was panting like mad. I really needed to get out of the court. After another exhausting half, we went for drinks and some food. Then we all dispersed and JoA dropped me off at the bus stop (thank you!!). At home, I washed up and waited for my hair to dry before I took a nap. Woke up later than expected. Oversleeping is a hobby. JoA called me nearly 13-15 times (thank you!!). Got up and began to rush my Social Psychology assignment. I forged on till about 5am then gave up because I began to see words which weren't in the articles I was reading and began to type things which didn't make any contextual sense (aka, I was sleepy).

Friday

I woke up at 12pm and began to finish off my assignment. I did. When I got ready to go out and head to college, it began raining again. I had no choice but to borrow my granny's flowery little umbrella (I think it's cute). After rushing to hand up my assingment, I headed off into Subang to meet JoA. We were going to play CS with Shaun & Loretta (Dong has been ammended to Shaun by request). It was a fun night as we watched JoA suppress the enemy once more. Such skill. Well, after a bit of coaxing, I agreed to join Loretta, Shaun, The Fuz, JoA and Adam to play futsal with them at the CFP fustal meet the next day. At 2am in the morning, I managed to convince Reneeta to join our team as well and her only condition was that she didn't play at all and was a reserve.

Saturday

I woke up late (AGAIN!). We were going to play futsal again. I was supposed to meet JoA at the train station at 10:30 but I woke up at 9:50 (the HoRRoR!). I was forced to call The Fuz and get him to drive us to Shaun's place. He did and we got there. We met up there and after having a light breakfast, we began to search for the place. We found it after a while and in fact, we weren't all that late (haha). We entered the arena and found a sweaty Reneeta. Some of her first words were "You remember I told you I didn't want to play right? Well, I've played!" (LoL). We all began to get warmed up for the game and when we played, we played. I was reluctant to even play at first but after the first game (which was also very tiring) I think I got all hyped up. I wanted to play more. After the second game, my right thigh began to work up. My toes were killing me too but I wanted to play somemore (wahahahaha). In the last game, this big guy side-stepped into my foot and I ended up with my big toe blue-blacked (if there is such a word). What made matters worse was that a while after that, I had to swerve out of the way because this time, a girl side-stepped into my way. That pretty much killed my toe and thigh. Well, the games were loads of fun. I've never been this hyped up about playing futsal before but yeah, I am now. I'm waiting for my toe to heal and then I'm going to play somemore (lol).
After the games, we had some drinks and food then went on to have our showers. I had to take a bath at Loretta's and from there waited for JoA to finish washing up.

JoA was going to take me to pick up my little sister so that we could take her to the magic show which was going on Subang Parade. When we made it there, I found my little sister crying. My Mom had struck again. I will not go into the specifics but simply put, my mom had made my sister cry and that pretty much spoilt her mood and she ended up locking herself into a room and not willing to come out. I decided that it was best we left this little trip for some other time and left but on the way decided that I should buy my sister something to make her feel a bit better. JoA was understanding and kind enough to turn back and let me buy some KFC for my little sister. After that, I ended up telling JoA a story I hadn't told anyone for a while. My past. We headed off for dinner. We had quite decent food. I got stuffed again. Besides the little kink in the night with my sister's issue, I had a generally good time.

The Kreig-Commando Junkress

2007-06-02T05:34:00.000+08:00

Today seemed like a rather bland day to begin with. I woke up at 8-something to find that i was sleeping face down and that i was lying on my dislodged shoulder. I struggled to move. The anticipation of the impending pain was sincerely an obstacle which took me at the very least 2 minutes to overcome and to get a grip of my shoulder as I attempted to push my shoulder back into place. It crunched back into place. Ouch. That done, I returned to sleep, writhing in pain. I woke up about 4-5 hours later to find that I not only had a throbbing shoulder but I also felt like a steam-roller did a number on my lumbar.

Ah, food. It seems there was no lunch for me at home. I resorted to making some French Toast for myself. It's been a while since I'd touched the wok. I can still make a decent serving of French Toast (yay!).

Was thinking that I should get some work done or at least I should've studied some since my mid-terms for my Social Psychology class were on Tuesday but that all didn't happen. I suddenly had the urge to play Granado Espada. I did that till 5-ish. I then got a message from The Fuz saying that he was going up to Midvalley to get the survey for liquor done (some survey which I was also going to participate in). (*Poof*, the could-have-been-productive-day goes up in smoke)

After leaving the house abruptly without having dinner, I got a taste of some of the traffic which JoA had sufferred earlier today while going home from college. After completing the interesting survey in which left me feeling no less than an alcoholic and almost as thirsty as one, The Fuz & I met up with JoA in MPH and went off for dinner. Murni's!! On reaching Murni's, we called JoJo who was coincidentally around the area as well and was more than happy to join us for dinner. After a happy and satiating dinner, we took a peek at the movies available in the DVD store near Murni's and I picked up the 3rd movie from the Monty Python's collection (yay again!).

Some discussion and decisions later, we were bound for Subang to drop off JoA's car and then headed off to a cybercafe. After searching for a place which wasn't filled to the brim with eager gamers, we began playing Counter-Strike. At first my mind was more occupied with what JoA was going to do while The Fuz, JoJo & myself shot each other silly but interestingly enough, JoA joined in on the massacre and we ended up playing against AI. It was maddenning fun. Everytime one of us died we cracked up and began laughing at the antics which we could and couldn't pull off. Although she started off slow, JoA soon warmed up, found herself a favourite rifle (the Kreig-Commando) and began ravaging the opponent. She beat me flat (sheesh).

Although I was struggling to stay awake half the time (damn my body clock), it was a fun night. I enjoyed myself and I'm glad to hear that everyone had a good time. So tomorrow it's back to the real world again. (=D)

Today's Roadtrip

2007-06-01T01:29:00.000+08:00

Was woken up the funny way by my aunt again (how she does it everytime my uncle - her brother-in-law comes to give me a ride to the train station). My trusty Mp4 player did not fail me. The song of the moment was a Chinese song. In fact the song was sung in Taiwanese Hokkien, not very very different from the Hokkien I speak but I can understand and even sing along. After being picked up by JoA, we went to buy fuses for her FM Modulator thingy which has been out of order for about more than a week or two. She suspected that it was the fuse (and she just might be right) which was burnt and preventing the machine to work. Even after buying and installing the new fuse, it still didn't work. I guess she needs to go back to Low Yatt to get it replaced.

After that little bit of fuse-purchase, we headed for UKM in Bangi. We needed to look for a journal article which was written by some Rozli B. Ismail. When we got there, JoA & i discovered that to use the Library in UKm for 1 day and it cost 20 bucks person. JoA decided she wanted to go in. The great news is that we 've found the library and we have a copy of the journal which we really needed now. The downside to that would be the fact that the journal was in Bahasa Melayu. The only interesting thing was that when JoA spoke to one of the ladies in the library, she was criticized for waearing baby-tee and was told that she was being too revealing (heh).

After we'd gotten what we'd wanted from the place, we left it. Looking now for food. We looked around Bangi but couldn't find a decent chinese hawker stall around. We moved onto Cheras and KL. In the end, we missed one turn along the Federal Highway which resulted in JoA having to go in one big circle to get to Taman Sea so we could have our chinese food (hah). After the meal, we picked up Dong and went for another drink. We then went to a cybercafe where we played Tower Defence (I really don't know how to play) and got my tail-whipped by Dong. After a game or two, Loretta had come into Subang again and was ready to roll. We went back to Dong's place and began jamming again.

As stated before, we've been jamming since last week. I've been having loads of fun and also been getting stressed by not being able to sing. I can't remember lyrics, my timing is off, I can't hit and sustain keys for times long enough for songs to sound good.
We've done some recordings and JoA seems to enjoy secretly recording our conversations. Some of the conversations we have while we jam can be quite amusing.

Today we tried to further improve our songs and we did, by a bit. Last night I discovered that the BBQ night (which we are preparing to audition & perform for) was not some time in July but it was on the 14th of June which would make it happenning withing 2 weeks' time. I'm glad we've got an audition on Wednesday after classes. I really hope we make the audition. I'm nervous but I am also eager to perform that night in front of my friends. I might like the experience.

What Was...

2007-05-28T01:52:00.000+08:00

Yesterday night, I recieved a call from someone special whom I met in back National Service. That added to my (emotional) burden of thoughts and memories which I already was dealing with.

Well, I will save the story for myself but the memories which came back to me also brought along a song which me and the boys used to sing at night at our dorms to the stars, hoping that in our counterparts' dorms, the song could be heard.

Lela - Bidadari

Kenangan silam aku dan dirimu
Berdua sesama bermadu
Saling berjanji sehidup semati
Hakikat di dunia ini

Segala yang dikata
Harus di kota
Ibarat adam dan juga hawa
Alangkah indah
Sewaktu bercinta
Tiada senjata
Yang dapat menghalang kita

Kau umpama bidadari
Suci bagai embun pagi
Tapi aku belum pasti
Apakah cintamu itu suci

Kau hadir membawa erti
Penawar di kala sepi
Sehangat dian yang menyinari
Bersama cintamu abadi

This song like the one before is beautiful yet has hints of pain in it. Such emotion...

Your Song

2007-05-26T15:06:00.000+08:00

Been about quite a lot this week. Every day in fact. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Bah, what's done is done and all I can do now is just look back and smile/frown.

Sometime earlier this week (methinks t'was Monday), Dong approached me and asked me to audition for the BBQ Night Acoustics. He offerred to play the guitar.

Nearly everyday of this week I've been having dinner or at least a meal with JoA before she drops me off (I'm so grateful for that). On Thursday, after classes and some sit-down-and-bullshit sessions, JoA and I had lunch in Champs in Bandar Utama Centerpoint. The noodles she ordered were CRAZY... They were like, a portion for like, 2 and a half people. Restecp! She finished it all up (save for the vegetables and the squid which she offerred to me). I could barely finish up my pork chops (which so wisely came with rice). Afterwards, we went to Sunway Pyramid to go bowling. We invited Loretta & Dong who gladly came. While waiting, we did some window shopping and found out that JoA knew even less than I did when it came to bag shopping (wahahaha). As we walked along, I noticed that something was wrong with JoA. She seemed to be having a fuzzy head. She had to take off her lens. By the time she'd taken off her lens, Dong & Loretta had reached pyramid and were en route to the bowling alley. We met them there and began bowling. It was a sight to see indeed. I'm not a pro-bowler but the 2 of them were hilariously cute when they were bowling. Their antics kept us entertained till about 5-6pm.

After that session of laughs, we went over to a Cendol vendor on the roadside somewhere in Subang near SS15 and got us some. I recieved a phone call for a survey on handphones and I was doing the survey all the way while I watched my Cendol melt in front of me. The bunch beside me were having odd conversations, I couldn't hear them at all. By the time I put down the phone, my Cendol was completely melted. I didn't enjoy that. It wasn't good anyway. While I was holding it, the sugar was dripping and had gotten onto my fingers. Damn, that was disgusting, it dried up and got sticky and.... urgh!

Having "refreshed" ourselves at the Cendol stall, we went over to Dong's place to begin the jamming session. Jamming is just SO fun. For the first jamming session, I'd say it went quite well (but I need to memorize lyrics). Loretta was more than happy to jam along. He did wonders to the songs. We're still trying to coax him into auditioning with us but the fellow is still shy and reserved. He needs to see how essential it would be for him to join us. Another guitarist and vocalist can do lots better than what only Dong and I would be able to pull off.

The songs which we were initially thinking of playing were Jason Mraz - I'm Yours, Howie Day - Collide, John Mayer - Your Body is a Wonderland and Ryan Cabrera - True. We found out that most auditioners only played 2 songs. Within the 2 days, we decided that we'd still play I'm Yours (your song :D) and we somehow came up with a little ensemble of 3 songs: Jay Chou - Qing Tian, Joan Osbourne - (What if God was) One of Us & Peterpan - Mimpi Yang Sempurna. It's a little rickety because it was an impromptu make-up song but it can be done and according to JoA's ears (the genius herself), it sounded good. Well, I guess that makes up the second song which we're playing for the audition then.

After jamming on Friday night, JoA dropped off Loretta and then beat me up with a yellow (think Sin City) pillow at the traffic light before dropping me off.

What ensued after she dropped me off was emotional. I will stop at that. There was this wierd guy who came up to me in the train as I was closing my eyes and just "emo-ing" and asked me what station I was getting off at. I wasn't the nicest person to him. I just stared at him.

Nothing But A Dream

2007-05-25T01:04:00.000+08:00

Peterpan
Mimpi yang Sempurna

Mungkinkah bila ku bertanya
Pada bintang-bintang,
Dan bila ku mulai merasa
bahasa kesunyian.

Sadarkan aku yang berjalan, dalam kehampaan
Terrdiam, terpana, terbata.
Semua dalam keraguan
Aku dan semua yang terluka karena kita.

Aku kan menghilang,
Dalam pekat malam,
Lepas ku melayang,
Biarlah ku bertanya
Pada bintang-bintang
Tentang arti kita
dalam mimpi yang sempurna.

This is indeed a beautifully melancholic song.
My kind of song. I love the composition,
I love the lyrics, I love Peterpan.
Not really up for pouring my heart out onto this blog for now.
Right now I do most of that in my singing and my guitar.

Robber of the Ocean's Blue

2007-05-18T21:23:00.000+08:00

O'er all the calm in the seas,
All the blue grows but bluer,
All the pain grows but truer,
O'er moaning under the breeze.

The grumbling sands seem to bleed,
Ev'ry breath it breathes unto,
Shells- husks of dead sink into
the sands, torn from their creed.

Beyond the silky, tear-rimmed shore,
Deeper still into the spray,
Lurks the dark and far-away
eye of the storm, pain grows more.

Within the heart of this all,
Lie shreds of hope, long since lost.
All are but lingering ghosts,
Which never let the storm fall.

Cry now in eternal grief, O'er the pain that keeps growing.
Sigh now but not in relief, For the gale that keeps blowing.
Found now, is this Ocean's thief...

Bowling: Singing Fingers & A Sore Butt

2007-05-15T00:30:00.000+08:00

Monday. College. The new semester really took off today. My two other classes began today as well, which leaves me with a full week of classes. This short semeseter will get the best of me before I even know it. I have a lot of work to do, lots of studying to study and a body-clock to knock into shape (yeah right, fat-chance if you ask me).

I will not talk about classes unless I find it necessary to do so and I'm sure sooner or later the day will come when you will be able to make a course outline from all the details I give you about my school-work but until then, I shall avoid it till (as I've said) necessary.

Well, let's see where do I begin, ah yes, the morning. When I woke up to my irritating alarm. I snoozed it a bit too much and that got me out of bed at like, 5.30am. A restless night. I lay in bed from 2.30 till past 4 just trying to go to bed but my head wouldn't shut up (I know that's freaky, but yeah.). Thoughts just kept racing through my head, ethics of all things. Ethics!!
So yeah, I got up late and in a flurry, I had to leave the house after getting ready. I stood like an idiot being stood up there for about half an hour waiting for the retarded bus to come along so I could go and reload my phone so I could wake The Fuz up. By the time I'd done that, it was already too late to make the time we agreed on to meet JoA at the train station in Subang. She called and in her morning grace, decided that she would wait for us. We made it. Late of course, we can't really be naive enough to believe that the Malaysian public transport system. JoA gave me directions which managed to confuse the sleep-deprived Wayne. The Fuz & I ended up jay-walking to the other side of the main road only to recieve a call later from JoA further confusing the sleep-deprived Wayne and causing me to think that we needed to jay-walk back across the street. On reaching the intended rendezvous point, there was no sign of JoA or Daniel (her car). Then, I recieved a phone call and turned around to see a frantically waving figure of a girl on the other side of the well-trafficked road. The figure seemed to be on the phone screaming "Look over here, on the other side, I'm over here!". So we jay-walked once again, towards the car and yeah, that was the story of how I got from Klang to college today.

Between classes today, we went to check our results for last semester's examinations [insert suspense music here]. JoA, Stef & yours truly went over to the library to do this. On seeing my results, I was relieved and almost was about to say "yippee!" (no, I didn't do exceptionally well. I just got better grades than I thought I would) when JoA told me what she got and when I noticed how down she'd gotten. I immediately suppressed my "yippee!" and only made it known that I was relieved. I decided to try to cheer JoA up a bit, I decided to test myself while I was at it and challenged her to a few games of bowling after my class ended. In the meantime, she also kindly agreed to wait my class out by sitting in on it with me for my first class of Public Speaking (which was boring). I also managed to convince her to join in to help out with some ceremony which ARCCADE was holding on Saturday (yay).

After class, we headed to Midvalley megamall to hit the pins. Once we left college, it started raining cats and dogs. We could hardly see but we managed to reach megamall in 3 pieces (her, Daniel & Moi). We went bowling. It was embarassing. I used to play every week in the school bowling society back in the day. I was a decent player. That is no longer the case it seems. JoA ended up teaching me how to play. It was embarrassing no doubt but hey, we had fun. I was just glad to see her laughing again (so sue me). After the 2 games of being thrashed by JoA, her knee ached and we were going to meet up with The Fuz, Carment, Joel & Pearly for food. After seeing them, leaving my bag behind, losing them, wandering around and finally calling and finding them, we sat down to have a good and well-deserved stare at Carment and Pearly enjoy their Asam Laksa (food). Afterwards, we went to the food court where JoA & The Fuz had somemore food while the others and myself had dessert (I made one round of the food court and nothing caught my eye).

Soon, JoA had to go so she went. The rest of us wandered around a bit more (we seem to enjoy doing that) and then Carment & Pearly decided they should head home. After they did that, we thought we'd follow suit but on getting into Joel's car, he said 2 letters which sort of woke me up "CS". We headed over to Damansara Jaya and played some CS till about 11 something and then headed home.

It's been a day indeed. My right thumb, index & middle fingers were singing after bowling and my butt hurts. I had fun. I enjoyed myself. I hope everyone else did as well. Well now, I should make preparations for tomorrow. I don't want to snooze my alarm again in the morning (I hope not, Haha).

Welcome to Klang.

2007-05-10T20:21:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, JoA came down to Klang and met up with The Fuz and myself. After she reached Klang, she gave me a call (which woke me up after I completely missed the first one) and asked me how to get to my place. The funny thing was that we had a little breakdown of communications and I - having just woken up - wasn't fully functioning yet. She got lost in the process (haha). After a few more directions and a U-turn, we discovered that she'd actually gone the right way and had actually overshot my place (haha again). After finally picking me up and getting to The Fuz's place, we went off to eat some Bah Kut Teh.

After the meal, we took JoA to do what she'd come down for: her guitar. The shop-owner was a friend of Fuzzy's and she was very hospitable and verbose. After JoA had chosen her guitar, we went hunting for JoA's bed-frame. We went around to a few shops till we finally decided that we could look into Courts Mammoth. On reaching the Mammoth, we spotted a furniture shop beside it and decided to compare prices and look for the best deal (what any other logical shopper would do when presented with more than one shop selling the same thing). After walking to both shops twice, JoA chose her bed and got a matress with it. After this, we went for some "sweet soup" ("Tong Sui") called "Aeroplane" ("Be Gi") or also known as Len Chee Kang. Haha, apparrently Fuzzy never had it before either. Well, I'm glad they liked it. After that, we were dropped home and thus ended a short yet fun-filled day.

The night wasn't near as entertaining as the day. Last night we were meant to sign up online for tutorials for our Social Psychology class at 9pm. We (Fuzzy, JoA & Myself) were there waiting at 8.45pm and just waiting for the time to sign up. When the clock struck 9, the expected happenned, the server crashed. There were what, 70+ people logged on and probably another 20-30 trying to get onto the site and it crashed? What a pathetic server. to make things worse, the geniuses up in the department decided to bind the tutorials for Social Psychology and Human Personality classes which made students who were doing only one of the two subjects non-eligible to sign up online and had to do so manually the next day in college. Such stunning efficiency, such sparkling logic... I was so irritated by this. Irritated by their insolence. I cooled off as fast as I'd gotten peeved. Besides, getting all aggro wouldn't make the server come back to life and magically make the tutorial sign up upload through all those 100+ students hacking away at the Refresh button. JoA and I decided that we'd sign up online first anyway, just so that we could reserve our slots in that tutorial. I just lay back and waited it out. Others really didn't take this well and I don't blame them. The server got back up at about 11-ish? That's like, an hour or two after the stated time. Sure the site died on the server but don't you think that if a server can't even support less than 150 users, it should be deleted and spoken bad about for the next decade or two?

Oh well, enough about that. Now, onto today. This morning, I dragged myself out of my bed at 6.25am, 35 minutes after the initial alarm went off. I just HAD to watch 3 episodes of Prison Break before i went to sleep (haha). I got myself ready and then headed out towards The Fuz's place. Sent him a message saying I was on my way. I didn't get a reply. I thought he just didn't feel the need to reply. I reached his house and stood outside and sent him another message telling him that I was at his gate. After waiting for about half an hour, I called him. He didn't pick up. I thought he was in the shower. I gave him 15 minutes and called again. He was asleep. After dragging him out of bed, we set out to the train station. We were headed to Subang today. We were going to rendezvous with JoA and from there we'd go on to college to settle the issue of our tutorials (read about it under Yesterday). We went up and discussed things with Jue Ying, an admin in the CFP (Center for Psychology) who set things right. I helped Stef sign up as well but sadly, Fuzzy couldn't make it into the same tutorial group as JoA, Stef and Me. Bummer. After that had been done, we went over to Lan's Corner to have breakfast (yes this was all done before 9.30am).

The horror, I ordered a cheese thosai (Fuzzy said it was good) which ended up not having a single ounce of cheese in it! The horror!!!! I will never order thosai (with the exception of thosai masala) ever again!

After the not-so-good breakfast, we were off, to Low Yatt Plaza. The Fuz needed to get his router checked, buy DVDs and get some speakers; JoA was out to find herself a pair of earphones, get her modem replaced and on the way, she got herself an FM modulator (something which allows you to transmit music/radiowaves to radios OR in English it means that she can play mp3s in her car with a pendrive); and myself, I was out to get a set of speakers for my babe Celeste (yes, I'm a geek who names his beloved possessions).

After walking about Low Yatt for a couple of hours looking into and comparing prices, we eventually got our stuff and then, headed towards Midvalley Megamall to meet with Sue Jern to spend our MPH vouchers which we won last semester during the Colloquium for our Ergonomics project. I just walked around the bookstore staring into books which caught my eye without the slightest intent to buy because I wasn't crazy over buying any books. As it is I have quite a few at home which I hadn't finished reading yet. Besides, I'd already promised my share of the voucher to JoA earlier on.

I wandered around some and then wandered somemore and then a bit more till I noticed I had lost JoA and I didn't see her at all through all of the 4-5 rounds I'd made through the bookstore. Initially I was looking for her to let her know that Sue Jern had finished choosing what she wanted and was waiting for us to get done. JoA's absence didn't really strike me at first since she enjoyed reading a lot, I thought that she'd probably wandered off somewhere I missed. I finally decided to call her because Sue Jern was just standing around and I felt that she was getting a little impatient. JoA didn't pick up. I began to worry right about then. She wasn't in the store and she wasn't picking up and didn't let anyone know where she was. I was worried. I made one more round of the store. Still no JoA. Called her again, she still didn't pick up. Just as I was about to call her again, she popped out from behind a book rack. Relief! She'd been on the phone and I guess she had her call waiting function on which explained why I could still call her. Well, we payed up and Sue Jern had to leave. JoA finished up her phone call and we decided that we would go to Klang again to eat. We did, we went over to Port Klang and went to this old school Chinese tea shop which served Western food (Coolness)! After that, we went to our homes again.

These two days have been really fun as this is probably one of the few times my friends from KL or anywhere else have come down to Klang (what's more twice in two days). Well, I guess this is just lots of fun which I hope will make getting through this semester easier.

In Response To A Response

2007-04-28T05:13:00.000+08:00

Hope may be a two-edged blade but like a pen with multiple coloured inks, we can choose to ignore the other colours and use only the pink ink :)
Hope can destroy, hope can be bad, but then and again a con-man can be trusted to be dishonest.
Perspective is a powerful tool when looking at something. Perspective shapes countries, religions, families, heroes. Perspective can shape lives. Death can be seen as rebirth or the end of the road. It's all about perspective.

It isn't about which side of hope you choose. Nor is it about what you strive for. It's the choices you make along this journey. It's about how you choose to see things. Accepting one's fate for what it is isn't always the wisest choice nor is it the most adaptive decision. Our destiny is in our own hands and the only thing Man cannot control is Death. All things leading to the River Styx are our own deeds, our own choices and what choices we make are our destiny.

Hope is indeed a noun. Your definition of it? Your perspective. Your choice. Your destiny. Our hope.

Now, Back To Some Good Ol' Ranting : Reality Issues

2007-04-27T03:19:00.000+08:00

Life serves us all our share of crap. Some get a larger plate, some get a saucer-full, some get a spoonful. Either way, all of us have to face our walls. Our walls of shit. When we hear about others' walls, we look at our own and ask ourselves, why am I so useless? Others seem to be faced with more than I am but they seem to be doing better than me. What's up with that? Some serious self-esteem issues follow, no doubt.
Why does it seem that some of us have to take blow after excruciating blow from life? If only life were like classes, where we finish one module and move on to the next. No, we have to take everything as it comes. Why?

I'm sure life isn't fair, I'm sure we can only make the best of life as it is and I'm sure I'm usually the one behind people telling them these things as they face their walls of shit but everytime I say that, my heart shatters for them. I may not be the best candidate but I do my best to support those who I've set out to. Having said that, there are times when I just feel like letting go of this silly role I've taken up as it seems so redundant but every other time, they just turn around and smile at me. They show me what I saw in them from the very beginning, the driving force that got me started. Hope.

Call me cheesy, call me stupid, call me redundant. You can't shake me. I'm going to continue doing what I love to do. I'm holding on. Even when you let go. I hope you'll do the same.

The Genting-Bentong Trip : An Extensive Account

2007-04-26T01:03:00.000+08:00

Last Friday I received an invitation from Hui Munn, a classmate to join Bryan, Ivy, Hui Zhi and Shaun(hereafter addressed as Dong) on a trip to Genting and then onwards to Bentong. This sort of took me by suprise because I was never really that close to this group and only recently had I watched a movie with them (Mr. Bean's Holiday) and this was the first time ever I'd been out with them. Now the reason why we set out to go on vacation was centered around a barbeque in Genting at an apartment. Well, I was actually flattered by their invitation and after making some arrangements, I confirmed my attendance into their little party.

Sunday:
After packing up my stuff, I hitched a ride with my cousin to the Asia Jaya LRT station. I was supposed to let Bryan know when I would reach so that he & Dong could pick me up. When I reached it seemed that there were some complications on Shaun's part in getting his car. It seemed I had to wait a little while before my ride came along. I thank goodness for my MP4 player and JoA whom I could talk to (thru SMS). Although the music got me all emotional and I began my whole disconnection-with-reality thing and I would enter into that state and only emerged when I received a reply from JoA. After about half an hour or so of singing along to my MP4's music, Dong's car had gotten there and then off we went to Ivy's.

We first met up with the others at Ivy's apartment. Then we went grocery shopping for snacks and stuff which we would need for the BBQ and also some stuff to cook for dinner that night at Ivy's (and I just have to mention that I bought a big bottle of that yoghurt drink which I have lately been so into, it reminds me of Lassi :D). As I had insisted, Dong had brought his guitar. While the rest we were trying to get dinner ready, I (who could not really cook) stood aside and watched Munn Munn hack away at the chicken like a blacksmith melding a sword. I couldn't take it. I had to lend a hand. Afterwards, I decided to get to the guitar. After me and Dong messed about with the guitar for a bit, dinner was ready. Dinner was good. Bryan & Munn Munn were the chefs of the night and they made a great dinner. I don't know whether or not it was a compliment or just gluttony when I went for more rice. After dinner, we had some "tong sui" which was made by Ivy's relative. It was quite bland as apparently some of her relatives can't take sugar but it was still good. After that good meal, the gang began playing mahjong. No gambling involved, just wanted to mess around. While the lot was playing, I volunteered to wash the dishes as I didn't do any cooking. Dong helped me out and still I took ages to wash up... I still have serious speed issues when doing any chore. Well, after a few rounds of mahjong, Hui Zhi had to leave. We followed her out and then when she drove off into the night, we went to a mamak named NASA (note the very lame name =.=). We chilled out there and began to talk about many an interesting topic. At about midnight, we went back up to Ivy's and chilled there instead. Somewhere along in the discussion there was mention of alcohol which got me interested and the next thing we knew, we were having vodkas (yay!). We gathered around into a circle and began to chill (yes, once again). Dong & I began taking turns at the guitar which to me (being obsessed with the guitar) was probably the most central part of the night (other than the alcohol). We chatted (and I kinda played [the guitar]) the night away. Dinner in the making ala Bryan & Munn Munn

Monday:
Monday woke me up at about 9-ish with the voices of Bryan & Zhi in a conversation of which I cannot remember the content. While I had slept, Ivy had gone to pick up her Aunt's Honda City, Zhi had come back to Ivy's from her place and Bryan took photos of me and Dong asleep (the freak!). After a shower, we were ready to set out for Bentong. The ride was a rather peaceful one for me at least but I pitied the four sitting in the backseat (they threw me in front anyway, being the largest one there). We were headed for Bryan's hometown in Bentong. After about an hour and more we reached our destination, the small town of Bentong.
It seemed rather homely, a simple town with nearly everything a person could need (except for a cinema and I didn't really see any cyber cafes). I repeat that the ride was safe and also entertaining as we had Bryan & Munn Munn to entertain us (Zhi still fell asleep anyways). On reaching Bryan's abode, I noted how calm the environment he was brought up in was. We met his homies and after a brief respite, we went for lunch. Even looking for lunch was entertaining as Bryan seemingly couldn't make his mind up on where to take us and when he did, the group sort of rejected the place and we had to actually get up and walk out of the restaurant (haha). He then took us to another place across town and since the group had announced their intent to eat "dai chao", he wanted to take us to places where he thought that we wouldn't be cheated (apparently the locals there wouldn't hesitate to make a killing when they noticed that we were from out of town). The second place we stopped at was actually serving something else and directed us to a place we had already passed along the way if we indeed wanted to eat "dai chao". We made our way there with Bryan already stressed with the worry that the group was getting frustrated. What really didn't help was the fact that the place we were directed to was closed on that exact day. There was a big sign in Chinese on the gate reading: "Taking a Break - 23rd April". Just our luck. Well, Bryan had no choice but to take us back to around where the first place was to a restaurant where we finally ate. We found out that Dong had never had "Nga Pou Ham Yu Fa Lam Pou" (Claypot Pork Belly & Salted Fish) before. The horror of deprivation! Anyway, it was then that the gang commented on my being very busy with the handphone because I had been in constant conversation with JoA since Sunday. Oh well, misunderstand if you want. I would offer an explanation but that would require them to believe it right? No matter.
After lunch, we stopped back at Bryan's place to rest a bit while some of the others went out to buy the stuff we needed for the barbeque. When they got back, all was set and we were ready and with supplies in hand, we headed up to Genting (which wasn't far away from Bentong). Dong & I were to follow Bryan's car while the girls stayed in Ivy's. After a comedy-laden trip uphill (and another bottle of that yoghurt drink which we referred to as Lassi anyway), we reached our second destination in the afternoon (at about 3-ish pm). We checked in, moved our stuff into the car and then we headed up to Genting, or so we thought we would. The initial plan was to drive to the cable car station and take the ride to the peak but that wouldn't happen because we found that the station was closed for repairs (of all the days to do so they chose our day!!). After a few wrong turns and a total of 4 trips around that Police check-stop on the way up to Genting, we decided to go back to our place and just relax while we waited for the night. When we would begin our barbeque. It was at this time that the bunch asked what happenned to me (because I told JoA that I'd talk to her later and we stopped messaging each other =.=).
At the place, the gang began playing mahjong again while Dong & I got back to the guitar. Soon, I began playing mahjong as well. At nightfall, we decided to start the fire up but since it had begun to rain, we thought that we'd do it on the balcony. After setting everything up, I began to notice how hard it was to start a fire. Yeah, I'd been camping before and I had a cousin who started charcoal fires all the time but I'd always only watched them start the fire so all I had was the theory behind how to start a fire. Putting that into practice was easier said than done because it seemed that I was the most experienced one with fires there. After about an odd half an hour of trying to get the fire to work, Bryan and Dong decided to go on down to see if it would be better to get the thing done in the BBQ pit which was provided and it was. While they were gone, the girls and I were still trying to get the fire started on the balcony. We had resorted to using the gas stoves to start the charcoal burning (sheesh) and it was actually working till Bryan & Shaun came back to say that we should go to the BBQ pit and that was when the gas stoves ran out of gas... Well, we moved everything down to the BBQ pit which was well sheltered from the rain but we were running out of starters for the fire so we had Ivy & Munn Munn go out to buy some starters while we moved everything. I was still unsure how to get the fire started but I was determined to get this thing on the road. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't get the fire started and was pretty irritated that the cold weather there wasn't helping. Ivy & Munn Munn got back with some starters and some tips from a man selling roasted potatoes who had kindly provided them with some wood to help the fire start. With the information and wood, I started to try to get the fire working again. After some antics and about an hour or more later, we had fire. It finally began to work! I was so relieved that we finally got the fire started and that we finally were going to have the barbeque but I was still embarrassed it took me so long. The fun finally began, the girls were doing the cooking while we helped out and played the guitar and sang. Ah, the food was good. The girls did a great job :). By the time we decided to leave it was already way past midnight. We cleared the place up and then went back to our apartment.
We continued playing mahjong and the guitar. Again, I spent nearly all my time with the guitar. That was a truly fun night. I was happy I got the fire started and that we had a great time. It was fun to see everyone have so much fun even after such a tiring day. Ivy seemed to be showing the most emotion :). Well, by 4-ish, we decided that we should get some rest as the next day we would be going back to Bentong because the girls wanted to buy some things from there and we were going to have lunch/breakfast there. So we slept.

Here are some of the photos from the BBQ that night. The one with Bryan & I was funny, looked like we were having a moment. Hahaha.

Tuesday:
Woke up at about 8.30 in the morning to the sound of Dong's alarm. It was My Chemical Romance. I was like "what the fuck, not this and not at this time!" but yeah we had to get up. I was the last one to get ready (cos I just didn't want to get up haha). We took some photos and then we packed up and headed for Bentong. Again it was Bryan and I to one car and the rest in the other. We journeyed down the mountain towards the petrol station at the base of the mountain because Ivy wanted to refuel her car (and Bryan and I wanted to kene some Lassi!). Another fun-filled, interestingly conversed, 40-ish minute drive back to Bentong ensued.
In Bentong, we first went for lunch in this hawker stall which reminded me how some of Klang's hawker stalls looked like in the old days. It wasn't the most hygeine of places but it had that homely flavour. We had what Munn Munn was talking about since Sunday, some fishball noodle thingy. It was good. The prawns were big and fresh and there were like, 5-6 of them in each bowl! I actually gave my prawns away after having 2. The thing is that in Kay Elle, that bowl of noodles wouldn't have been that big, the prawns would have been smaller and been in larger portions and it would probably cost more than RM4.50 (can you believe it?!).
After a great meal, we went back to Bryan's place to return stuff and to rest for a bit. Kristy (Bryan's sister) suggested that we went to the waterfalls around the area and after saying our goodbyes to Bryan's family, we set off for the waterfalls. They were as expected, beautiful, but the waters seemed quite fierce and it was probably because of the rain yesterday. Munn Munn was the first to waddle into the water and Bryan, Dong & Ivy soon followed. I didn't want to follow suit because I was lazy to get out of my sneakers. The funniest thing happenned though, one of Bryan's sandals decided to take a trip down the river (haha). Poor fella had to hop across the tarmacked parking lot back to the car. After taking a few photos, we went back into town to let the girls buy some Bentong ginger (they said it was realy good, yech). After Bryan bought a new pair of sandals (haha), we decided to end the trip with some ice-cream from a famous shop in Bentong (Bryan told me they had Peanut Butter icecream and this had me smiling with glee since lunch). Having enjoyed that, we dropped Bryan back at his place and then we headed back for Kay Elle. The ride back was a bit more sleepy than the ride towards Bentong since we were tired but there were some bends on the freeway which had me at the edge of my seat because of the other stupid drivers around (Ivy was at the wheel, thus I was also worried since the poor girl was also tired). We reached Kay Elle in no time and were invited to have more "tong sui" in Munn Munn's place. After that refreshing drink, I was dropped off at an LRT station and I made my way home.

Here are some of the photos we took before we left Genting and at the waterfall

I must say that I am grateful that I was invited along on this trip and that I had an excellent time with these people. It didn't really matter whether or not we went up to Genting or not because all the fun we had was the time we spent together. I really had a great time and I am looking forward to joining these people for another fun and funny trip someday.
Cheers to the whole lot of you :)

P.S. - This is my longest post :D!

That's Me?

2007-04-24T22:28:00.000+08:00

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.
You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk.

You should major in:

Philosophy
Music
Theology
Art
History
Foreign language

What Should You Major In?

So I tried it after JoA did. She says it's quite accurate but I say not everything there is true of me. Whether or not you want to believe in things like this is up to you but I'm saying that the answers to those questions they ask can be changed and in changing, they will affect your result. The same person within the span of 2 years might change completely and the professions listed may (or may not) be related to each other. Imagine a person who actually went and doggedly chased after one of the careers in the areas listed for him/her and tried the test and got a different set the next time round. That would seriously attack their security and wonder why they believed this thing at all. This can give you a little bit of insight, just an itsy-bitsy bit to what you might be suitable to go into but seriously, don't take their word for it.

Now That The Finals Are Gone

2007-04-20T02:21:00.000+08:00

The finals are over. Should I rejoice? Should I celebrate? No. I'm actually brooding. This was probably the first time ever in which from the mid-terms till the finals, I did not know how to answer that many essay questions. I'll probably get over this by the time the next semester starts - just in time to slack again (I should be shot).
I let myself get distracted too easily. Should I reduce my attention to socialization and should I restrict my personal space and concentrate on my studies for once in my bloody academic life?! All logic and evidence points to that conclusion and I've made that decision countless times before but I have never adhered to it for longer than half a semester. Bah, enough with the rambling upon study-related topics.

Whaddaya Mean Finals?

2007-04-18T02:59:00.000+08:00

Well, as I've said, I enjoy doing everything else better when I should be studying for my finals. The exam on Monday was horrible. Bloody Wai Sheng should be shot. I should be shot for not preparing earlier on for that paper too.
Biopsyche in about 11 hours. I have 1 more chapter to study. When I say I've 1 more chapter to study it means that I've never seen that chapter before and everything I see will be something new to me. Well done, I should get a medal for that. Tomorrow will be even worse. 2 papers. Personality is alright, I actually have a clue about what is happenning in that class but for Ergonomics... Oh my God I can contribute to the classes but I largely do not know what is going on in those classes and I'm sure the lecturer isn't clear either.

Well, I will do what I can do now. I shall try to minimize my guitar-use and Dota-play for at least tomorrow because I know that totally failed today. Sheesh, I need to up some points in my self-discipline skill...

Rose Garden

2007-04-17T17:31:00.000+08:00

Rose Garden

A Rose, A Petal, A Stalk, A Leaf and Thorn.
Underneath all the shade of the greenery,
In the damp and scintillating scenery,
Does a silent crying, dying heart lay torn.
Betwixt the creepers like something forbidden,
A constellation now, sweet starlets of dew,
Reflect morning sun: kaleidoscopic hues,
Lie true emotions of a soul well hidden.

The flowerbeds are in full bloom and the hedges finely trimmed,
The winds pick up and falls to a halt again, there is silence.
Suddenly, an explosion, as if the sky began to scream,
The Heavens crash down in swift, divine and natural violence.
The Sun, like a savior, drives the clouds away, it finally ceases the rain.
The Garden once more will rise anew, all until lightning strikes it again.

This is my latest piece. I haven't written in a long time. Lack of inspiration maybe? It would be nice to write about something happy for once but I guess that isn't my nature (no pun intended). It may not be the perfect piece but it's a piece of my mind.

Overworked & Underworking

2007-04-04T22:16:00.000+08:00

For the past month or so, it's been nothing but assignments, reports, reviews and nothing more. I wonder when I will give in and just collapse.
A day in the life is to wake up at an unearthly hour to catch the pathetic bus to Fuzzy's place so that we can go to college and sit in the mamak stall at like, 7-8am and have breakfast. If Fuz isn't going to college at the same time I am, I would have to wake up at an even more inhumane hour to catch the pathetic buses all the way to college. The fact that I seem to have forgotten how to sleep like a normal human being doesn't really remedy my fatigue. The most sleep I ever get is usually like, 3 hours at most.
I need to buck up. At home if it isn't chatting, then it's DotA or messing around with Clover, I will be doing assignments. Deadlines were made to be used but humans were also meant to sleep at night. The stress all pent up finally is cracking down on me harshly. I just had a pimple outburst! The chronic stress is really getting to me and I'm sure I'm not enjoying it. I've been really irritable, rude and knit-picky because of the stress and the constant lack of sleep. This is so uncharacteristic of me and what I believe I should be.
Procratination will be the end of me.

Tonight I Wanna Cry

2007-03-12T18:28:00.000+08:00

Tonight I Wanna Cry
by Keith Urban

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on
The sound turned down
And a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I
On the walls around me
The way that it was
And could've been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away.

I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong
Meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself", would sure hit me hard
Now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold
Some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
I'll never get over you
By hiding this way.

I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong
Meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong
Meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

To let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry...
-----------------------

There is no denying the fact that melancholy is the most beautiful of all the emotions and it is portrayed ever so artistically here. How Keith adds in his country flavour to the lyrics surely is a plus for the effect of the song.
The first time I heard this song, sad memories flashed through my mind and I was taken aback. It's been a while since a song has expressed my feelings so thouroughly. This is definitely a song which I commend. Do watch the video, they usually add even more effect.

Do They Know It's CNY?

2007-03-03T01:31:00.000+08:00

Funny, this is the first year ever where Christmas, as simple as it was, was a bigger thing than Chinese New Year. It actually still is CNY now but heck, I still don't feel it. I don't really remember what it feels like. What's left is a vague impression of days of endless fun and food as I watched relatives prance in and out of the house and hand me Red Packets.
What came closest to the feeling of a celebration was how I spent my time in Genting. Went with my Mom but my intention wasn't to mingle with my cousins or to scurry up and down the arcades as I fill them to their brims with tokens. I took advantage of my time alone to catch my breath from everything I've been going through. It was time for me to actually enjoy myself. I took a solitary walk outdoors. The cool wind brushing off my cheeks really revitalized me. I didn't need to actually hear what was going on around me, my mp4 player took care of that. At full blast, I could hear all I needed to hear, as I paced my way around the mountain's roads at night. It was a beautiful night, there were short intervals where fog would set in and it felt as though someone paused a drizzle with all those droplets of water hanging in the air as they watched me pass through them. I'm sure that two hour walk all alone refreshened my mind and restored my vigor for life. I didn't do any motivational thinking, I just had to take a walk to clear my head. It's been a while since my mind was so blank even for that little while. I managed to fit in about half an our of nothing-ness into my head, now that is an achievement if you ask me. The rest of that two and more hours, I was just thinking about my life and the person I've become. I was emo-ing. The problem was that I had no one to fit into that part of the emotion where I could direct my affect to no one. No one but the hypothetical You I could make up in my head.

Now that I'm home, I really wish that I could take another walk like that and not stop walking till my legs ache and I have to sit on the ground. I went up there not for the casino, not for the theme park and not for the shopping, it was for the temperature and the air. I got what I wanted. Definitely.

Relapse.

2007-02-07T01:44:00.000+08:00

Alright so maybe I'm a fucking idiot to let it get to me but it's happenned and all I can do is curse myself for it. Stupid people, why the hell do they have such messed up tempers?! So he busted the car, so your business hasn't been going well for the past few years, so you're broke, so you owe people and money and so you can't really get out of all this yet. That doesn't mean that you have to shove it into anyone else's face. You know that I have a brother that has a temper like or maybe even worse than yours, you know he has the mentality of a human's rights advocate which was cross-bred with a narcissistic bull, you know that when you stick it to him, he's gonna pop it right out and add a bite or two to it but you still do it! You still have to open your big, fat, overeating, over-smoked, non-thinking, un-pre-meditated mouth and not have the intelligence to say things in a tone to avoid conflict which has happenned before and only ended with violence and you guys not talking for a couple of months. Yes that was worth it wasn't it? It was worth every fucking second that you two were at each others' necks screaming and shouting at each other like you guys were in a friggin stadium on opposite sides trying to have a conversation. No worries, you guys only woke up the whole fucking neighbourhood. Yeah show each other the brotherly love. Build on that, maybe you guys could add on a few punches for finnesse.
He didn't help either did he? He just couldn't fucking shut the hell up and take it, he had to make that conspicuous sigh so that he made sure you knew that he wasn't happy about it. He had to snap back at you when you so intelligently ripped that insurance-claim form into two, you budding genius you. He just had to raise his melodious voice in symphony to yours and have a little ensemble right behind me as I was already torturing myself with research. He just had to continuously serenade the whole family of recollections of previous episodes of your little dance with him back in the day when you planted your fist into his conflict-revelling cheek which apparently he can never forget as no one in this family had ever done that to him before. Is just me or are you two the only ones in our family who've ever had a boxing-match before? What the heck does "C'mon and hit me!!" mean when you say it to a cousin(no, brother) in a tone like that? What drives him to jump into the fray with you so eagerly?! It's not like he's much of a fighter. 1-2 punches and he starts to cry! Heck, that's a beautiful sight I tell you. It's really interesting how he plays the little script of his isn't it? He stands behind granny complaining that you've punched him, you've kicked him and what-not yet he continues to ask for it, he continues to provoke you. Why do I not get it? Am I not from the same god-forsaken womb?

Heck I say to hell with the both of you, I don't get why aunt and granny had to stop you two anyway. I'd say let the fight begin and I'd play umpire to make sure no one dies. Just make sure you guys pick up the teeth and clear up the blood on the floor afterwards. Get it over and done with. No point holding on in silence hostility till the next picturesque scene presents itself. Besides, I'd rather my brother be beaten to a pulp by his cousin than by some hulk of a gangster with a knife or pipe right?

The other cousin didn't help much either did he? All he could do was sprinkle kerosine on the already diabolical flames of the bicker. I just didn't want to fucking put my foot into anything you guys were arguing about but you guys just had to fucking raise your voices right? You guys want fight, take it out of my room. No point stopping you either, that doesn't really work dunnit?

Now, back to myself. I'm a fucking idiot indeed to have lit a stick because of a stupid thing like this. Am I already not unrested enough? Am I not already having problems keeping up with fucking college? Am I not emotionally down enough?! Am I not lonely enough?! Do I need to hear your comic little squabbles while I labour away at the keyboard and mouse?! I pretty much stay out of your business and you should stay out of my way. That was just a lame cigarette out of the fucking blue, there won't anymore. I swear upon both of your sorry asses. I'm going to punish myself for that. I'm going to join 2 of Bunny's dance classes. That's a promise. Jimmy, you're going to fucking hold me to my word and join me there and laugh at me. You hear?!

You get to wondering, why not just shut up and nod? Why do you have to voice your two-bit, unwanted, unintelligent, disresepected and absolutely uneccessary opinions to yourselves? Why not just get a blog like I did so you can bitch all night and not get enough sleep to get up and give your fucking speech tomorrow? Dumb-asses. No wonder I'm supposed to be the smart one. Remember, you're all genetic garbage unless proven otherwise. As far as I know, there hasn't really been an otherwise yet. Fuck you both. Fuck me too.

Better Than Bronze

2007-01-28T23:19:00.000+08:00

Oh joy, the news is great, I'm almost too happy for him but to what extent does my heart rejoice with his? To what purpose is my celebration of the occurrence? In his namesake? In the name of friendship? Of course. Don't get me wrong, I honestly am happy for him. For both of them. The problem would be that this kinda thing really does remind me of what I've been through (here we go again).

Honestly, I can't continue doing this. I can't keep torturing myself like this. Maybe I should get myself a girlfriend. Maybe not. I should finish off my letting go of her. Maybe I should stop listening to all these sad love songs. Maybe I should start listening to rap. Bah, who the heck am I kidding? Me? Rap? Nah.

Thinking to myself, I've said that I wouldn't make a good wedding-singer because I just don't really do all that many happy love songs. I think I do much better with sad songs and songs of solace. My throat's gotten a bit better but it's still a little clogged up. at least I know I'm healing and that currently there's no sign of relapse.

My good friend asked me, "how do you do it!?" I was shook by her bleak exasperation in her frustrated voice when she said that. The amount of distress. She's only got 5 more months to stop if she's to stick to her plan. I couldn't really give her a proper answer. My answer to that would have been "because I said I'd do it". I think that's probably the true reason why I quit, because I said I would. Not because I needed to. Not because I thought it would save me that much money. Not because it might have been one of the reasons why I'm still single, no. It's because I said I would quit. I should really act more than talk. Putting things into practice for my own sake.

Cheers to my friend and his achievement which was well-deserved.

The Anonymous Day...

2007-01-18T23:33:00.000+08:00

Woke up at 10.30am today. Late. No, totally missed class at 9. My brother turned off the alarm and didn't bother to let me know that it rang. Damn. Why couldn't he've just let me know!? Argh. I hate missing classes. Whenever I miss a class, I feel completely lost the next class. Damn damn damn damn damn. Oh well, spilt milk.

Still cold turkey =/. My throat, my head, my voice... ouch. Been a really quiet day for me. Nothing really happenned. Nothing ever really does happen. There was however one of those attacks again. Those attacks of lonliness. Damn (yes, my seventh damn).

What's wrong with being single right? What's wrong with spending so much time alone? Nothing. It's just sometimes you wish you had someone to send a message to and just ask her what she's doing or just to send her a message which has no meaning whatsoever, just for the sake of sending it. Someone to listen to as she rants and as she complains of what her classes are about or what her friends told her. Someone to be the "you" or the "her" in all those love songs I sing along to. Someone I can think of all day and wondering what she's doing at this very moment in time. Someone to worry about.
But who am I to kid? I doubt I need a relationship. It's not like it would really help me through what I'm going through. Sure there are friends for me to care about and friends who care about me but hey, they're really different.

I really need that guitar. Maybe a new hobby will keep my mind from wandering into another attack. They don't really help the fact that I'm bored and emotionally vulnerable for the moment. I guess I'll try to get my work-out done now... and maybe get some sleep earlier tonight, I can't afford to miss my class tomorrow. Damn.

After The While...

2007-01-16T02:40:00.000+08:00

Gee, it's been 3 whole months since I last posted. Well, things have happenned within these 3 months, things which have - in their own manner - sort of altered my direction in life. A whole semester went by and during this semester (as short as it was), I saw the grimmer side of myself emerge. Already feeling guilty, miserable and lonely, the mundane classes I had to attend didn't really bring out the colour in my leaves either.

The exams didn't really help me enjoy my New Year either. They aren't the worst that I've done so far but they don't really compliment me either. I'm like, Eek!, are my grades already not good enough? What's up with that!? Those 2 lecturers.... they realy overdid it this semester. Asked for too much. They asked of too much from me, who studied too little too late =/.

Coming back to why I stopped posting for so long would be because first of all, I kinda lacked the mood to do anything productive or counter-productive which I felt at that time would take effort and would only make me feel worse. Second to that reason would be because I'd recently moved house to this new area which didn't really have internet access so I was disconnected, discontented and very, very disgruntled.

Oh well, with the New Year, there are my resolutions. Well, the first of them all is for me to completely stop smoking. So far, I haven't touched a stick. The cold turkey symptoms only got to me 3 days ago. Amazing, it took 2 weeks for me to feel the effects. For a while, I thought the worst was already over then the next second, I'm IN the worst part of it all.

Talking about the present, I've begun classes for a week now. My second semester in my second year... With 4 subjects in my face again, life can resume its normal pace at a week at a time. I can look at life as a part of a week again. Maybe I can disconnect from the reality of life and just become a revolving gear in the machine of the institution again. Maybe not. Maybe I need to buck up this semester. Maybe I need to shine. Maybe, I need to actually stop procrastinating and getting work done as I get it.

Well, yeah, I just wanted to rant about the past few months and the whole disorientation I'm feeling about rejoining college and classes.

Man made the Institution but the Institution can mighty well, unmake the Man.

My Independence Day

2006-09-01T22:50:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was Independence day in Malaysia. I'm not the most patriotic of people but you know, I had a great day.

A day in the life perhaps? Not quite. Days are better spent in the company of people you care about and those who care for you. A simple day out, simple smiles, simple laughter, simply satisfying :)

Struggling like a new-born calf learning to stand, feet stumble and shoulders collide. The covert attempt to embrace a hand to guide or be guided, is gently rejected and made the victim of farce, slowly turning and smiling at it. The issue slowly forgotten, if not left behind as footsteps continue and covered ground extends. Whispers of food, spurt amongst small talk as feet stride aimlessly over the well-trod tiles.

The wandering ceases, for a little respite, some air, some warmth from the cold of the inside. Gaze at the skies, look at how they cluster and clump, how the day has darkened how our history is dark. Wander away, wander elsewhere down a flight, look for fishies, look deep and be gifted with sight.

Looking into a person's eyes, and watching them slowly form crescents as they shine and smile at yours, beside the rush of a river, although it isnt one which is as natural as one would wish it was, it would suffice. Walking around a mall for a hours when compared to under an hour sitting by the less than perfect river seems so miniscule and such an insignificant part of my day.

Appetite is not something which comes for some people but nevertheless, we must eat. The first of trips to Chilli's it would be, an eye-opener, an experience, an old-timer with extra cheese and how could we not have the high and mighty pie?
Dimly lit, with the wailing of country songs in the background and the twangs of their guitars, the bustle of the restaurant almost seemed to be on mute, as the meal was eaten, maybe not enjoyed, but nevertheless... eaten. The old-timer indeed would be hard to down but hey, the high and mighty pie was as easy as... pie!

If you don't understand it, good, if you do understand it, good. :)

He's Back?

2006-08-10T23:32:00.000+08:00

My dad's back from Papua New Guinea!!

He came back on the 4th (or was it the 5th? LoL). Well, it's been odd for me, since my dad works there and only ever comes back here once a year. Having him around is not a bad thing, it's great to have a parental figure in my life for a while (he'll be here for a month). I am so unused to coming home and seeing him around. All year round since I was in Form 2, I've been used to living without my father or mother's presence. One could say that makes me independent, one could say that gives me the lack of attention and others can just call me a freak. I don't know what I am but what I do know is that I am used to not having my dad around. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad but it's odd having him call me in the middle of the day asking me if I've finished class.
Geez, imaagine me, complaining that I have a father in the house now :P

Answers In The Dark

2006-07-31T01:58:00.000+08:00

By starlight do I share with the moon my woes,
For 'tis only the moon who understands,
Night is cool, quiet, calm, with soft breeze ablow.

At times I run dry of what this World demands,
My capacity, pushed to its limit,
Gone, the strength of the mask which was once there
and allow my true feelings to emit,
To the moon I turn to find silent ears,
She hears, listens yet shares no opinion.

Although her silence may not be of much help,
One seems to find oneself in the dark night,
Strolling across once familiar pathways,
Thinking of problems and how to make them right,

Why now, does it have to end with a no?
How is't that even though I try, I fail?
Is it a must that he and she must go?
Have all my efforts been to no avail?

Questions left unanswered but then no, not quite,
Complexity, simplicity, the same,
Will all be answered by you yourself, this night?
Well, you decide but only time can tell...

-----

I wrote this poem quite a while ago. It was during one of those dark times during my life. I found inspiration to write. Oddly enough the inspiration to write came in spurts. I stopped after the first stanza and didn't complete the poem until about 2 to 3 months later.

The 1st Post?

2006-07-31T00:44:00.000+08:00

I don't believe this. Me, a person who has time and time again explicitly stated that I despise blogging and here I am right now, posting this here for no one but myself to see.

I could most safely say that I'm better off just typing this in a Word document and saving it in my computer.

No one, will read this thing. No one should. I do not see the point but I'm doing it anyway.