Tonight I Wanna Cry
by Keith Urban
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on
The sound turned down
And a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I
On the walls around me
The way that it was
And could've been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away.
I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong
Meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.
Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself", would sure hit me hard
Now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold
Some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
I'll never get over you
By hiding this way.
I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong
Meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.
I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong
Meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.
To let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry...
-----------------------
There is no denying the fact that melancholy is the most beautiful of all the emotions and it is portrayed ever so artistically here. How Keith adds in his country flavour to the lyrics surely is a plus for the effect of the song.
The first time I heard this song, sad memories flashed through my mind and I was taken aback. It's been a while since a song has expressed my feelings so thouroughly. This is definitely a song which I commend. Do watch the video, they usually add even more effect.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Do They Know It's CNY?
Funny, this is the first year ever where Christmas, as simple as it was, was a bigger thing than Chinese New Year. It actually still is CNY now but heck, I still don't feel it. I don't really remember what it feels like. What's left is a vague impression of days of endless fun and food as I watched relatives prance in and out of the house and hand me Red Packets.
What came closest to the feeling of a celebration was how I spent my time in Genting. Went with my Mom but my intention wasn't to mingle with my cousins or to scurry up and down the arcades as I fill them to their brims with tokens. I took advantage of my time alone to catch my breath from everything I've been going through. It was time for me to actually enjoy myself. I took a solitary walk outdoors. The cool wind brushing off my cheeks really revitalized me. I didn't need to actually hear what was going on around me, my mp4 player took care of that. At full blast, I could hear all I needed to hear, as I paced my way around the mountain's roads at night. It was a beautiful night, there were short intervals where fog would set in and it felt as though someone paused a drizzle with all those droplets of water hanging in the air as they watched me pass through them. I'm sure that two hour walk all alone refreshened my mind and restored my vigor for life. I didn't do any motivational thinking, I just had to take a walk to clear my head. It's been a while since my mind was so blank even for that little while. I managed to fit in about half an our of nothing-ness into my head, now that is an achievement if you ask me. The rest of that two and more hours, I was just thinking about my life and the person I've become. I was emo-ing. The problem was that I had no one to fit into that part of the emotion where I could direct my affect to no one. No one but the hypothetical You I could make up in my head.
Now that I'm home, I really wish that I could take another walk like that and not stop walking till my legs ache and I have to sit on the ground. I went up there not for the casino, not for the theme park and not for the shopping, it was for the temperature and the air. I got what I wanted. Definitely.
What came closest to the feeling of a celebration was how I spent my time in Genting. Went with my Mom but my intention wasn't to mingle with my cousins or to scurry up and down the arcades as I fill them to their brims with tokens. I took advantage of my time alone to catch my breath from everything I've been going through. It was time for me to actually enjoy myself. I took a solitary walk outdoors. The cool wind brushing off my cheeks really revitalized me. I didn't need to actually hear what was going on around me, my mp4 player took care of that. At full blast, I could hear all I needed to hear, as I paced my way around the mountain's roads at night. It was a beautiful night, there were short intervals where fog would set in and it felt as though someone paused a drizzle with all those droplets of water hanging in the air as they watched me pass through them. I'm sure that two hour walk all alone refreshened my mind and restored my vigor for life. I didn't do any motivational thinking, I just had to take a walk to clear my head. It's been a while since my mind was so blank even for that little while. I managed to fit in about half an our of nothing-ness into my head, now that is an achievement if you ask me. The rest of that two and more hours, I was just thinking about my life and the person I've become. I was emo-ing. The problem was that I had no one to fit into that part of the emotion where I could direct my affect to no one. No one but the hypothetical You I could make up in my head.
Now that I'm home, I really wish that I could take another walk like that and not stop walking till my legs ache and I have to sit on the ground. I went up there not for the casino, not for the theme park and not for the shopping, it was for the temperature and the air. I got what I wanted. Definitely.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Relapse.
Alright so maybe I'm a fucking idiot to let it get to me but it's happenned and all I can do is curse myself for it. Stupid people, why the hell do they have such messed up tempers?! So he busted the car, so your business hasn't been going well for the past few years, so you're broke, so you owe people and money and so you can't really get out of all this yet. That doesn't mean that you have to shove it into anyone else's face. You know that I have a brother that has a temper like or maybe even worse than yours, you know he has the mentality of a human's rights advocate which was cross-bred with a narcissistic bull, you know that when you stick it to him, he's gonna pop it right out and add a bite or two to it but you still do it! You still have to open your big, fat, overeating, over-smoked, non-thinking, un-pre-meditated mouth and not have the intelligence to say things in a tone to avoid conflict which has happenned before and only ended with violence and you guys not talking for a couple of months. Yes that was worth it wasn't it? It was worth every fucking second that you two were at each others' necks screaming and shouting at each other like you guys were in a friggin stadium on opposite sides trying to have a conversation. No worries, you guys only woke up the whole fucking neighbourhood. Yeah show each other the brotherly love. Build on that, maybe you guys could add on a few punches for finnesse.
He didn't help either did he? He just couldn't fucking shut the hell up and take it, he had to make that conspicuous sigh so that he made sure you knew that he wasn't happy about it. He had to snap back at you when you so intelligently ripped that insurance-claim form into two, you budding genius you. He just had to raise his melodious voice in symphony to yours and have a little ensemble right behind me as I was already torturing myself with research. He just had to continuously serenade the whole family of recollections of previous episodes of your little dance with him back in the day when you planted your fist into his conflict-revelling cheek which apparently he can never forget as no one in this family had ever done that to him before. Is just me or are you two the only ones in our family who've ever had a boxing-match before? What the heck does "C'mon and hit me!!" mean when you say it to a cousin(no, brother) in a tone like that? What drives him to jump into the fray with you so eagerly?! It's not like he's much of a fighter. 1-2 punches and he starts to cry! Heck, that's a beautiful sight I tell you. It's really interesting how he plays the little script of his isn't it? He stands behind granny complaining that you've punched him, you've kicked him and what-not yet he continues to ask for it, he continues to provoke you. Why do I not get it? Am I not from the same god-forsaken womb?
Heck I say to hell with the both of you, I don't get why aunt and granny had to stop you two anyway. I'd say let the fight begin and I'd play umpire to make sure no one dies. Just make sure you guys pick up the teeth and clear up the blood on the floor afterwards. Get it over and done with. No point holding on in silence hostility till the next picturesque scene presents itself. Besides, I'd rather my brother be beaten to a pulp by his cousin than by some hulk of a gangster with a knife or pipe right?
The other cousin didn't help much either did he? All he could do was sprinkle kerosine on the already diabolical flames of the bicker. I just didn't want to fucking put my foot into anything you guys were arguing about but you guys just had to fucking raise your voices right? You guys want fight, take it out of my room. No point stopping you either, that doesn't really work dunnit?
Now, back to myself. I'm a fucking idiot indeed to have lit a stick because of a stupid thing like this. Am I already not unrested enough? Am I not already having problems keeping up with fucking college? Am I not emotionally down enough?! Am I not lonely enough?! Do I need to hear your comic little squabbles while I labour away at the keyboard and mouse?! I pretty much stay out of your business and you should stay out of my way. That was just a lame cigarette out of the fucking blue, there won't anymore. I swear upon both of your sorry asses. I'm going to punish myself for that. I'm going to join 2 of Bunny's dance classes. That's a promise. Jimmy, you're going to fucking hold me to my word and join me there and laugh at me. You hear?!
You get to wondering, why not just shut up and nod? Why do you have to voice your two-bit, unwanted, unintelligent, disresepected and absolutely uneccessary opinions to yourselves? Why not just get a blog like I did so you can bitch all night and not get enough sleep to get up and give your fucking speech tomorrow? Dumb-asses. No wonder I'm supposed to be the smart one. Remember, you're all genetic garbage unless proven otherwise. As far as I know, there hasn't really been an otherwise yet. Fuck you both. Fuck me too.
He didn't help either did he? He just couldn't fucking shut the hell up and take it, he had to make that conspicuous sigh so that he made sure you knew that he wasn't happy about it. He had to snap back at you when you so intelligently ripped that insurance-claim form into two, you budding genius you. He just had to raise his melodious voice in symphony to yours and have a little ensemble right behind me as I was already torturing myself with research. He just had to continuously serenade the whole family of recollections of previous episodes of your little dance with him back in the day when you planted your fist into his conflict-revelling cheek which apparently he can never forget as no one in this family had ever done that to him before. Is just me or are you two the only ones in our family who've ever had a boxing-match before? What the heck does "C'mon and hit me!!" mean when you say it to a cousin(no, brother) in a tone like that? What drives him to jump into the fray with you so eagerly?! It's not like he's much of a fighter. 1-2 punches and he starts to cry! Heck, that's a beautiful sight I tell you. It's really interesting how he plays the little script of his isn't it? He stands behind granny complaining that you've punched him, you've kicked him and what-not yet he continues to ask for it, he continues to provoke you. Why do I not get it? Am I not from the same god-forsaken womb?
Heck I say to hell with the both of you, I don't get why aunt and granny had to stop you two anyway. I'd say let the fight begin and I'd play umpire to make sure no one dies. Just make sure you guys pick up the teeth and clear up the blood on the floor afterwards. Get it over and done with. No point holding on in silence hostility till the next picturesque scene presents itself. Besides, I'd rather my brother be beaten to a pulp by his cousin than by some hulk of a gangster with a knife or pipe right?
The other cousin didn't help much either did he? All he could do was sprinkle kerosine on the already diabolical flames of the bicker. I just didn't want to fucking put my foot into anything you guys were arguing about but you guys just had to fucking raise your voices right? You guys want fight, take it out of my room. No point stopping you either, that doesn't really work dunnit?
Now, back to myself. I'm a fucking idiot indeed to have lit a stick because of a stupid thing like this. Am I already not unrested enough? Am I not already having problems keeping up with fucking college? Am I not emotionally down enough?! Am I not lonely enough?! Do I need to hear your comic little squabbles while I labour away at the keyboard and mouse?! I pretty much stay out of your business and you should stay out of my way. That was just a lame cigarette out of the fucking blue, there won't anymore. I swear upon both of your sorry asses. I'm going to punish myself for that. I'm going to join 2 of Bunny's dance classes. That's a promise. Jimmy, you're going to fucking hold me to my word and join me there and laugh at me. You hear?!
You get to wondering, why not just shut up and nod? Why do you have to voice your two-bit, unwanted, unintelligent, disresepected and absolutely uneccessary opinions to yourselves? Why not just get a blog like I did so you can bitch all night and not get enough sleep to get up and give your fucking speech tomorrow? Dumb-asses. No wonder I'm supposed to be the smart one. Remember, you're all genetic garbage unless proven otherwise. As far as I know, there hasn't really been an otherwise yet. Fuck you both. Fuck me too.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Better Than Bronze
Oh joy, the news is great, I'm almost too happy for him but to what extent does my heart rejoice with his? To what purpose is my celebration of the occurrence? In his namesake? In the name of friendship? Of course. Don't get me wrong, I honestly am happy for him. For both of them. The problem would be that this kinda thing really does remind me of what I've been through (here we go again).
Honestly, I can't continue doing this. I can't keep torturing myself like this. Maybe I should get myself a girlfriend. Maybe not. I should finish off my letting go of her. Maybe I should stop listening to all these sad love songs. Maybe I should start listening to rap. Bah, who the heck am I kidding? Me? Rap? Nah.
Thinking to myself, I've said that I wouldn't make a good wedding-singer because I just don't really do all that many happy love songs. I think I do much better with sad songs and songs of solace. My throat's gotten a bit better but it's still a little clogged up. at least I know I'm healing and that currently there's no sign of relapse.
My good friend asked me, "how do you do it!?" I was shook by her bleak exasperation in her frustrated voice when she said that. The amount of distress. She's only got 5 more months to stop if she's to stick to her plan. I couldn't really give her a proper answer. My answer to that would have been "because I said I'd do it". I think that's probably the true reason why I quit, because I said I would. Not because I needed to. Not because I thought it would save me that much money. Not because it might have been one of the reasons why I'm still single, no. It's because I said I would quit. I should really act more than talk. Putting things into practice for my own sake.
Cheers to my friend and his achievement which was well-deserved.
Honestly, I can't continue doing this. I can't keep torturing myself like this. Maybe I should get myself a girlfriend. Maybe not. I should finish off my letting go of her. Maybe I should stop listening to all these sad love songs. Maybe I should start listening to rap. Bah, who the heck am I kidding? Me? Rap? Nah.
Thinking to myself, I've said that I wouldn't make a good wedding-singer because I just don't really do all that many happy love songs. I think I do much better with sad songs and songs of solace. My throat's gotten a bit better but it's still a little clogged up. at least I know I'm healing and that currently there's no sign of relapse.
My good friend asked me, "how do you do it!?" I was shook by her bleak exasperation in her frustrated voice when she said that. The amount of distress. She's only got 5 more months to stop if she's to stick to her plan. I couldn't really give her a proper answer. My answer to that would have been "because I said I'd do it". I think that's probably the true reason why I quit, because I said I would. Not because I needed to. Not because I thought it would save me that much money. Not because it might have been one of the reasons why I'm still single, no. It's because I said I would quit. I should really act more than talk. Putting things into practice for my own sake.
Cheers to my friend and his achievement which was well-deserved.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
The Anonymous Day...
Woke up at 10.30am today. Late. No, totally missed class at 9. My brother turned off the alarm and didn't bother to let me know that it rang. Damn. Why couldn't he've just let me know!? Argh. I hate missing classes. Whenever I miss a class, I feel completely lost the next class. Damn damn damn damn damn. Oh well, spilt milk.
Still cold turkey =/. My throat, my head, my voice... ouch. Been a really quiet day for me. Nothing really happenned. Nothing ever really does happen. There was however one of those attacks again. Those attacks of lonliness. Damn (yes, my seventh damn).
What's wrong with being single right? What's wrong with spending so much time alone? Nothing. It's just sometimes you wish you had someone to send a message to and just ask her what she's doing or just to send her a message which has no meaning whatsoever, just for the sake of sending it. Someone to listen to as she rants and as she complains of what her classes are about or what her friends told her. Someone to be the "you" or the "her" in all those love songs I sing along to. Someone I can think of all day and wondering what she's doing at this very moment in time. Someone to worry about.
But who am I to kid? I doubt I need a relationship. It's not like it would really help me through what I'm going through. Sure there are friends for me to care about and friends who care about me but hey, they're really different.
I really need that guitar. Maybe a new hobby will keep my mind from wandering into another attack. They don't really help the fact that I'm bored and emotionally vulnerable for the moment. I guess I'll try to get my work-out done now... and maybe get some sleep earlier tonight, I can't afford to miss my class tomorrow. Damn.
Still cold turkey =/. My throat, my head, my voice... ouch. Been a really quiet day for me. Nothing really happenned. Nothing ever really does happen. There was however one of those attacks again. Those attacks of lonliness. Damn (yes, my seventh damn).
What's wrong with being single right? What's wrong with spending so much time alone? Nothing. It's just sometimes you wish you had someone to send a message to and just ask her what she's doing or just to send her a message which has no meaning whatsoever, just for the sake of sending it. Someone to listen to as she rants and as she complains of what her classes are about or what her friends told her. Someone to be the "you" or the "her" in all those love songs I sing along to. Someone I can think of all day and wondering what she's doing at this very moment in time. Someone to worry about.
But who am I to kid? I doubt I need a relationship. It's not like it would really help me through what I'm going through. Sure there are friends for me to care about and friends who care about me but hey, they're really different.
I really need that guitar. Maybe a new hobby will keep my mind from wandering into another attack. They don't really help the fact that I'm bored and emotionally vulnerable for the moment. I guess I'll try to get my work-out done now... and maybe get some sleep earlier tonight, I can't afford to miss my class tomorrow. Damn.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
After The While...
Gee, it's been 3 whole months since I last posted. Well, things have happenned within these 3 months, things which have - in their own manner - sort of altered my direction in life. A whole semester went by and during this semester (as short as it was), I saw the grimmer side of myself emerge. Already feeling guilty, miserable and lonely, the mundane classes I had to attend didn't really bring out the colour in my leaves either.
The exams didn't really help me enjoy my New Year either. They aren't the worst that I've done so far but they don't really compliment me either. I'm like, Eek!, are my grades already not good enough? What's up with that!? Those 2 lecturers.... they realy overdid it this semester. Asked for too much. They asked of too much from me, who studied too little too late =/.
Coming back to why I stopped posting for so long would be because first of all, I kinda lacked the mood to do anything productive or counter-productive which I felt at that time would take effort and would only make me feel worse. Second to that reason would be because I'd recently moved house to this new area which didn't really have internet access so I was disconnected, discontented and very, very disgruntled.
Oh well, with the New Year, there are my resolutions. Well, the first of them all is for me to completely stop smoking. So far, I haven't touched a stick. The cold turkey symptoms only got to me 3 days ago. Amazing, it took 2 weeks for me to feel the effects. For a while, I thought the worst was already over then the next second, I'm IN the worst part of it all.
Talking about the present, I've begun classes for a week now. My second semester in my second year... With 4 subjects in my face again, life can resume its normal pace at a week at a time. I can look at life as a part of a week again. Maybe I can disconnect from the reality of life and just become a revolving gear in the machine of the institution again. Maybe not. Maybe I need to buck up this semester. Maybe I need to shine. Maybe, I need to actually stop procrastinating and getting work done as I get it.
Well, yeah, I just wanted to rant about the past few months and the whole disorientation I'm feeling about rejoining college and classes.
Man made the Institution but the Institution can mighty well, unmake the Man.
The exams didn't really help me enjoy my New Year either. They aren't the worst that I've done so far but they don't really compliment me either. I'm like, Eek!, are my grades already not good enough? What's up with that!? Those 2 lecturers.... they realy overdid it this semester. Asked for too much. They asked of too much from me, who studied too little too late =/.
Coming back to why I stopped posting for so long would be because first of all, I kinda lacked the mood to do anything productive or counter-productive which I felt at that time would take effort and would only make me feel worse. Second to that reason would be because I'd recently moved house to this new area which didn't really have internet access so I was disconnected, discontented and very, very disgruntled.
Oh well, with the New Year, there are my resolutions. Well, the first of them all is for me to completely stop smoking. So far, I haven't touched a stick. The cold turkey symptoms only got to me 3 days ago. Amazing, it took 2 weeks for me to feel the effects. For a while, I thought the worst was already over then the next second, I'm IN the worst part of it all.
Talking about the present, I've begun classes for a week now. My second semester in my second year... With 4 subjects in my face again, life can resume its normal pace at a week at a time. I can look at life as a part of a week again. Maybe I can disconnect from the reality of life and just become a revolving gear in the machine of the institution again. Maybe not. Maybe I need to buck up this semester. Maybe I need to shine. Maybe, I need to actually stop procrastinating and getting work done as I get it.
Well, yeah, I just wanted to rant about the past few months and the whole disorientation I'm feeling about rejoining college and classes.
Man made the Institution but the Institution can mighty well, unmake the Man.
Friday, September 01, 2006
My Independence Day
Yesterday was Independence day in Malaysia. I'm not the most patriotic of people but you know, I had a great day.
A day in the life perhaps? Not quite. Days are better spent in the company of people you care about and those who care for you. A simple day out, simple smiles, simple laughter, simply satisfying :)
Struggling like a new-born calf learning to stand, feet stumble and shoulders collide. The covert attempt to embrace a hand to guide or be guided, is gently rejected and made the victim of farce, slowly turning and smiling at it. The issue slowly forgotten, if not left behind as footsteps continue and covered ground extends. Whispers of food, spurt amongst small talk as feet stride aimlessly over the well-trod tiles.
The wandering ceases, for a little respite, some air, some warmth from the cold of the inside. Gaze at the skies, look at how they cluster and clump, how the day has darkened how our history is dark. Wander away, wander elsewhere down a flight, look for fishies, look deep and be gifted with sight.
Looking into a person's eyes, and watching them slowly form crescents as they shine and smile at yours, beside the rush of a river, although it isnt one which is as natural as one would wish it was, it would suffice. Walking around a mall for a hours when compared to under an hour sitting by the less than perfect river seems so miniscule and such an insignificant part of my day.
Appetite is not something which comes for some people but nevertheless, we must eat. The first of trips to Chilli's it would be, an eye-opener, an experience, an old-timer with extra cheese and how could we not have the high and mighty pie?
Dimly lit, with the wailing of country songs in the background and the twangs of their guitars, the bustle of the restaurant almost seemed to be on mute, as the meal was eaten, maybe not enjoyed, but nevertheless... eaten. The old-timer indeed would be hard to down but hey, the high and mighty pie was as easy as... pie!
If you don't understand it, good, if you do understand it, good. :)
A day in the life perhaps? Not quite. Days are better spent in the company of people you care about and those who care for you. A simple day out, simple smiles, simple laughter, simply satisfying :)
Struggling like a new-born calf learning to stand, feet stumble and shoulders collide. The covert attempt to embrace a hand to guide or be guided, is gently rejected and made the victim of farce, slowly turning and smiling at it. The issue slowly forgotten, if not left behind as footsteps continue and covered ground extends. Whispers of food, spurt amongst small talk as feet stride aimlessly over the well-trod tiles.
The wandering ceases, for a little respite, some air, some warmth from the cold of the inside. Gaze at the skies, look at how they cluster and clump, how the day has darkened how our history is dark. Wander away, wander elsewhere down a flight, look for fishies, look deep and be gifted with sight.
Looking into a person's eyes, and watching them slowly form crescents as they shine and smile at yours, beside the rush of a river, although it isnt one which is as natural as one would wish it was, it would suffice. Walking around a mall for a hours when compared to under an hour sitting by the less than perfect river seems so miniscule and such an insignificant part of my day.
Appetite is not something which comes for some people but nevertheless, we must eat. The first of trips to Chilli's it would be, an eye-opener, an experience, an old-timer with extra cheese and how could we not have the high and mighty pie?
Dimly lit, with the wailing of country songs in the background and the twangs of their guitars, the bustle of the restaurant almost seemed to be on mute, as the meal was eaten, maybe not enjoyed, but nevertheless... eaten. The old-timer indeed would be hard to down but hey, the high and mighty pie was as easy as... pie!
If you don't understand it, good, if you do understand it, good. :)
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