Now That The Finals Are Gone

The finals are over. Should I rejoice? Should I celebrate? No. I'm actually brooding. This was probably the first time ever in which from the mid-terms till the finals, I did not know how to answer that many essay questions. I'll probably get over this by the time the next semester starts - just in time to slack again (I should be shot).
I let myself get distracted too easily. Should I reduce my attention to socialization and should I restrict my personal space and concentrate on my studies for once in my bloody academic life?! All logic and evidence points to that conclusion and I've made that decision countless times before but I have never adhered to it for longer than half a semester. Bah, enough with the rambling upon study-related topics.

Whaddaya Mean Finals?

Well, as I've said, I enjoy doing everything else better when I should be studying for my finals. The exam on Monday was horrible. Bloody Wai Sheng should be shot. I should be shot for not preparing earlier on for that paper too.
Biopsyche in about 11 hours. I have 1 more chapter to study. When I say I've 1 more chapter to study it means that I've never seen that chapter before and everything I see will be something new to me. Well done, I should get a medal for that. Tomorrow will be even worse. 2 papers. Personality is alright, I actually have a clue about what is happenning in that class but for Ergonomics... Oh my God I can contribute to the classes but I largely do not know what is going on in those classes and I'm sure the lecturer isn't clear either.

Well, I will do what I can do now. I shall try to minimize my guitar-use and Dota-play for at least tomorrow because I know that totally failed today. Sheesh, I need to up some points in my self-discipline skill...

Rose Garden

Rose Garden

A Rose, A Petal, A Stalk, A Leaf and Thorn.
Underneath all the shade of the greenery,
In the damp and scintillating scenery,
Does a silent crying, dying heart lay torn.
Betwixt the creepers like something forbidden,
A constellation now, sweet starlets of dew,
Reflect morning sun: kaleidoscopic hues,
Lie true emotions of a soul well hidden.

The flowerbeds are in full bloom and the hedges finely trimmed,
The winds pick up and falls to a halt again, there is silence.
Suddenly, an explosion, as if the sky began to scream,
The Heavens crash down in swift, divine and natural violence.
The Sun, like a savior, drives the clouds away, it finally ceases the rain.
The Garden once more will rise anew, all until lightning strikes it again.

This is my latest piece. I haven't written in a long time. Lack of inspiration maybe? It would be nice to write about something happy for once but I guess that isn't my nature (no pun intended). It may not be the perfect piece but it's a piece of my mind.

Overworked & Underworking

For the past month or so, it's been nothing but assignments, reports, reviews and nothing more. I wonder when I will give in and just collapse.
A day in the life is to wake up at an unearthly hour to catch the pathetic bus to Fuzzy's place so that we can go to college and sit in the mamak stall at like, 7-8am and have breakfast. If Fuz isn't going to college at the same time I am, I would have to wake up at an even more inhumane hour to catch the pathetic buses all the way to college. The fact that I seem to have forgotten how to sleep like a normal human being doesn't really remedy my fatigue. The most sleep I ever get is usually like, 3 hours at most.
I need to buck up. At home if it isn't chatting, then it's DotA or messing around with Clover, I will be doing assignments. Deadlines were made to be used but humans were also meant to sleep at night. The stress all pent up finally is cracking down on me harshly. I just had a pimple outburst! The chronic stress is really getting to me and I'm sure I'm not enjoying it. I've been really irritable, rude and knit-picky because of the stress and the constant lack of sleep. This is so uncharacteristic of me and what I believe I should be.
Procratination will be the end of me.

Tonight I Wanna Cry

Tonight I Wanna Cry
by Keith Urban

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on
The sound turned down
And a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I
On the walls around me
The way that it was
And could've been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away.

I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong
Meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself", would sure hit me hard
Now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold
Some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
I'll never get over you
By hiding this way.

I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong
Meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong
Meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

To let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry...
-----------------------

There is no denying the fact that melancholy is the most beautiful of all the emotions and it is portrayed ever so artistically here. How Keith adds in his country flavour to the lyrics surely is a plus for the effect of the song.
The first time I heard this song, sad memories flashed through my mind and I was taken aback. It's been a while since a song has expressed my feelings so thouroughly. This is definitely a song which I commend. Do watch the video, they usually add even more effect.

Do They Know It's CNY?

Funny, this is the first year ever where Christmas, as simple as it was, was a bigger thing than Chinese New Year. It actually still is CNY now but heck, I still don't feel it. I don't really remember what it feels like. What's left is a vague impression of days of endless fun and food as I watched relatives prance in and out of the house and hand me Red Packets.
What came closest to the feeling of a celebration was how I spent my time in Genting. Went with my Mom but my intention wasn't to mingle with my cousins or to scurry up and down the arcades as I fill them to their brims with tokens. I took advantage of my time alone to catch my breath from everything I've been going through. It was time for me to actually enjoy myself. I took a solitary walk outdoors. The cool wind brushing off my cheeks really revitalized me. I didn't need to actually hear what was going on around me, my mp4 player took care of that. At full blast, I could hear all I needed to hear, as I paced my way around the mountain's roads at night. It was a beautiful night, there were short intervals where fog would set in and it felt as though someone paused a drizzle with all those droplets of water hanging in the air as they watched me pass through them. I'm sure that two hour walk all alone refreshened my mind and restored my vigor for life. I didn't do any motivational thinking, I just had to take a walk to clear my head. It's been a while since my mind was so blank even for that little while. I managed to fit in about half an our of nothing-ness into my head, now that is an achievement if you ask me. The rest of that two and more hours, I was just thinking about my life and the person I've become. I was emo-ing. The problem was that I had no one to fit into that part of the emotion where I could direct my affect to no one. No one but the hypothetical You I could make up in my head.

Now that I'm home, I really wish that I could take another walk like that and not stop walking till my legs ache and I have to sit on the ground. I went up there not for the casino, not for the theme park and not for the shopping, it was for the temperature and the air. I got what I wanted. Definitely.

Relapse.

Alright so maybe I'm a fucking idiot to let it get to me but it's happenned and all I can do is curse myself for it. Stupid people, why the hell do they have such messed up tempers?! So he busted the car, so your business hasn't been going well for the past few years, so you're broke, so you owe people and money and so you can't really get out of all this yet. That doesn't mean that you have to shove it into anyone else's face. You know that I have a brother that has a temper like or maybe even worse than yours, you know he has the mentality of a human's rights advocate which was cross-bred with a narcissistic bull, you know that when you stick it to him, he's gonna pop it right out and add a bite or two to it but you still do it! You still have to open your big, fat, overeating, over-smoked, non-thinking, un-pre-meditated mouth and not have the intelligence to say things in a tone to avoid conflict which has happenned before and only ended with violence and you guys not talking for a couple of months. Yes that was worth it wasn't it? It was worth every fucking second that you two were at each others' necks screaming and shouting at each other like you guys were in a friggin stadium on opposite sides trying to have a conversation. No worries, you guys only woke up the whole fucking neighbourhood. Yeah show each other the brotherly love. Build on that, maybe you guys could add on a few punches for finnesse.
He didn't help either did he? He just couldn't fucking shut the hell up and take it, he had to make that conspicuous sigh so that he made sure you knew that he wasn't happy about it. He had to snap back at you when you so intelligently ripped that insurance-claim form into two, you budding genius you. He just had to raise his melodious voice in symphony to yours and have a little ensemble right behind me as I was already torturing myself with research. He just had to continuously serenade the whole family of recollections of previous episodes of your little dance with him back in the day when you planted your fist into his conflict-revelling cheek which apparently he can never forget as no one in this family had ever done that to him before. Is just me or are you two the only ones in our family who've ever had a boxing-match before? What the heck does "C'mon and hit me!!" mean when you say it to a cousin(no, brother) in a tone like that? What drives him to jump into the fray with you so eagerly?! It's not like he's much of a fighter. 1-2 punches and he starts to cry! Heck, that's a beautiful sight I tell you. It's really interesting how he plays the little script of his isn't it? He stands behind granny complaining that you've punched him, you've kicked him and what-not yet he continues to ask for it, he continues to provoke you. Why do I not get it? Am I not from the same god-forsaken womb?

Heck I say to hell with the both of you, I don't get why aunt and granny had to stop you two anyway. I'd say let the fight begin and I'd play umpire to make sure no one dies. Just make sure you guys pick up the teeth and clear up the blood on the floor afterwards. Get it over and done with. No point holding on in silence hostility till the next picturesque scene presents itself. Besides, I'd rather my brother be beaten to a pulp by his cousin than by some hulk of a gangster with a knife or pipe right?

The other cousin didn't help much either did he? All he could do was sprinkle kerosine on the already diabolical flames of the bicker. I just didn't want to fucking put my foot into anything you guys were arguing about but you guys just had to fucking raise your voices right? You guys want fight, take it out of my room. No point stopping you either, that doesn't really work dunnit?

Now, back to myself. I'm a fucking idiot indeed to have lit a stick because of a stupid thing like this. Am I already not unrested enough? Am I not already having problems keeping up with fucking college? Am I not emotionally down enough?! Am I not lonely enough?! Do I need to hear your comic little squabbles while I labour away at the keyboard and mouse?! I pretty much stay out of your business and you should stay out of my way. That was just a lame cigarette out of the fucking blue, there won't anymore. I swear upon both of your sorry asses. I'm going to punish myself for that. I'm going to join 2 of Bunny's dance classes. That's a promise. Jimmy, you're going to fucking hold me to my word and join me there and laugh at me. You hear?!

You get to wondering, why not just shut up and nod? Why do you have to voice your two-bit, unwanted, unintelligent, disresepected and absolutely uneccessary opinions to yourselves? Why not just get a blog like I did so you can bitch all night and not get enough sleep to get up and give your fucking speech tomorrow? Dumb-asses. No wonder I'm supposed to be the smart one. Remember, you're all genetic garbage unless proven otherwise. As far as I know, there hasn't really been an otherwise yet. Fuck you both. Fuck me too.