It's Business Time?

All good things come to an end. I see mine coming over the horizon. Someone has definitely pulled the zip on the cover of my little, hidden-away den. My life as it has been for the past year and more needs to end. The problem is this, I am yet unsure if I am still capable of being who I am supposed to be. My carefree bubble has been popped and right now, I have yet to scramble and do what I am expected to... or is it that I don't know how to?

I now sit here sleepless looking at my bleak future and wondering where I will be in about two to three months from now. Emotionally numb, it seems rationality has chosen this very period of time to elude me as well. It seemed fitting that all the shit in the proverbial bucket would have to pour all over my face at one go. To top things off, I also feel completely stupid and unintelligent. Bright prospects indeed.

I am as optimistic as ever. God save the Queen.

True.

It's true, when I am not so exasperated with my life, I stop posting here. Not to be mistaken, we all have our little exasperations in life. It's just that I believe that I can deal with this exasperation for now. So much so that I feel no need to spill my heart out here. There have been times where I wanted to but could not be bothered to do it.

I've found myself angry, moody, agitated, enraged and sad but lacked the initiative to bring it here. Been keeping busy with gaming, performances and convincing myself that I've got a job. What a farce. For now, I believe that I have better things to do than this but I am fairly certain that I will be back though.

A Rant??

The past few months have been beautiful. The melancholy and pain were an artistic twist in my life which will be remembered for quite a while on my account. Alongside that, I have learnt to enjoy myself and to do what I want without much thought of repercussion. I sit here now with very little time left for what many would have already completed. Many people rush here and there and up and down all day long for weeks and months on end for what I have in my hands. I on the other hand have left it hanging for months untouched. My final academic leap before I see the end of my undergraduate academic life yet still I feel no urge to complete this last mile in the journey.
I shun the responsibility upon me to do this not because I cannot do it but because I do not find myself in the condition to want to complete it. I believe that I will eventually come to and have to rush the work but until then, I will continue to smother my conscience and continue my life as it is at present.

Lonely, Yeah That's The Word...

It's been 8 months now since the last post. I'm sure the absence of posting has reduced the already minute amount of readers. I worry not as this is a personal blog anyway.
I've been away for a while now. Away not from where I geographically belong but from who I used to be. I think I'm back. Home sweet home? I think not. Yet then and again, it may be so.
You've heard tyme and tyme again, "lonliness in a crowd" is far from unheard of and I has it. It's not a disease that I loathe but rather a state of being which I used to revere. Sure I whore a lot - whore being the fact that I fly here and there around the social arena called "college" and I seem to be getting by well enough - but it's not as it once was. The feeling of emptiness has never been this big. A crevasse within me.

For those who know of my relationship (and there are so many of you [to me]), don't get me wrong, I'm still in it and I still love You.

Sometimes it's hard to think about change. I claim to be flexible yet there are some things I wish didn't have to change. Sadly, things do change. The progress as of late has been somewhat disorientating. Maybe some things change to fast, maybe I just can't accept the fact that it has happenned (the change) and maybe sometimes I hate the changes. But to what avail?
As a friend once said (in a personal message on her MSN), "logic does not apply to human emotion". The current state exemplifies this.

If you're reading and wondering what I am going on about and why I am being so incoherent with my post, you obviously haven't known me long enough to know that what I post here is never the full story (to all stories pertaining to my personal life) nor is it meant to enlighten others on what I think. This is my rant zone and rant I shall.

Back to what I wanted to talk about. Loneliness. As much of a hedonistic social nutcase that I appear to be at times, I wish to be alone. It almost seems to me that socialization is just business (and business isn't too bad) not only do I enjoy it, I love it. But I also yearn to be alone. 11 months back, things changed. Socialization seemed less important and instead I wanted other company. Still needing to be able to connect to others, I still continued to socialize (and I still do so till today). Recently it seems that such social masturbation has become insufficient to me. I still enjoy doing it, but it's not what I really want. I want to be who I am. I want to be myself, not burdened with the cadavers of what I've done or what I've been said to have done and worry less of what others would say or how they would react. I do not wish to be a slave to my own empathy. Such freedom will not however find it's way to the confines of my life it seems. I am who I am and I am burdened with this load of mort. Such is the price of accountability or attempted responsibility.

I am lonely, by myself, in myself, only with myself. I only wonder when I will take my load and shove it through this crevasse and walk away.

The weekend that was a dream (almost)

Ah, holidays it seems. Yeah right...

I volunteered to become a mentor in the Mentorship Malaysia Program under ARCCADE and right now (and even when I first signed up), I'm pretty sure I'm going to be on that shortlisted short list (it's a bitter-sweet thing). (*Poof*, my holidays go up in smoke.)

Went for training today. I woke up and hurried to college for the training session which was to begin at 9am. Lethargy. The only thing which consoled me about dragging my carcass out of bed that early on a holiday was a message from you.
Training was quite entertaining as I was put into a group with an animated character (Kok Wui) and I sure hope that we (my team) get along well and do a good job.
I forgot to smoke this morning (gah!). That probably was one of the causes of the lethargy and almost lackadaisically for the whole day. There are other reasons though. Anyway, the training was tiring, entertaining yet a drag.

Now, onto what was on the plus side (and yet on the minus as well). Last weekend was probably one of the most amazing ones I've had since 1986. The only other time I'd felt like I was in a fairytale or storybook was when I wasn't sober. I never knew anything quite like that. I never thought that could happen to me. I never knew. I never knew that the song could exist in such beauty and encompass such a sweet train of memories. Till you.
Sure the Sunday was a kink downwards but I'm here. I'm ready to provide what I can. You can get through this.
The human creature is one that makes mistakes. We learn from them, we learn.

Time is not our luxury yet so treasure it we must. Time will come around, patience will pay off, what we are will endure. I'm waiting.

You doomed thief, damned robber...