The other side of the coin?

It seems to have been an aeon since I last posted something of substance at all. Much has come and gone since. More has gone however. Sadly.

The period of silence was not because I was too busy to blog. It was because I felt no whim to blog. I decided that I would ignore things such as this for a while. But tonight it's different. I'm in a "I-want-to-pour-my-heart-out" sort of mood. I feel like doing a little ranting so I can say things that I really feel like saying and putting some thought into text.

"Always give and not take". What have I learnt from that? Well, what goes around doesn't always come around like you'd want it to. Sometimes, the ettiquitte of a smile and some warmth isn't returned. You try to think of something to talk about and you hope you can soup up something which could break at least the 5-minute barrier so that you can gladly tell yourself "at least we can still talk" and at the back of your mind as you also seem to remember that it would be normal for the other person in question to reciprocate and also think of and try to talk about something which would be more than 2 lines to avoid observing a monologue. This is all of course if the other party in question is interested at all in such communication (note that 5 minutes was merely an example. I'm sure you got it).

I wonder why I bothered with those long pauses. Why I bothered to think of things to say when it was obvious that what I had to say didn't matter but would only matter if I said something wrong.

I've always thought of myself as a person who gave and I've always tried to live up to that. The extent to which I carry out my claim is unknown to me but I try. Maybe I should become more of a taker. Being a little more selfish may prove to be more practical. I should wait to be served, listen in on what could potentially be wrong and what I could potentially use as the currency of a synonym of blackmail. Of course I should watch my every step and ensure that I myself do nothing wrong leaving the other party at a loss of reason. Building such guilt and thronging the balance of power in my favour. Life would be easier. I would be happier and be able to sleep at night knowing that I have nothing to worry about other than what I can dig up from that other's cesspool.

To compliment that, I should also aspire to be completely unforgiving. Strike forth with wrath so furious that repentance would be known as stabbing a pair of scissors in your thigh - and that would only stop me from arguing and putting it in your face. I'll still make sure to hold it against you.

I should be less trusting as well, never ever letting anyone near anything of my possession and at the next moment's opportunity I shall plunder and ransack every possible nook or cranny to discover more filth within you so I can dig it out and smother it all over your face again.

I should be merciless and ruthless. Hot-cold will not work with me, I will let you "brew in your own stew". No, it's none of my business, you're having a hard time? I'll leave you to it. Support? Support is for losers. Wait, if that were true, then you would need it wouldn't you? I think I'll call you something else. I know! "Boyfriend". Or was it Ex?

Oh deary me, I'm so sad, I'm so angry at myself for letting this happen! What shall I do now? I miss half of what was me. Or so I thought. I should end it all. I don't want to carry on this way, I should end me. But I'm not suicidal yet... Tears? What tears?

I am not the happiest man on Earth right now and I am ranting because I can. If you have a problem with this, call me and we can sit down for tea and scones. My treat. Pfffffffft.