Theft Revisited, Relived.

Was looking through some of my older posts and came across this poem I wrote quite a while back...

Robber of the Ocean's Blue

O'er all the calm in the seas,
All the blue grows but bluer,
All the pain grows but truer,
O'er moaning under the breeze.

The grumbling sands seem to bleed,
Ev'ry breath it breathes unto,
Shells- husks of dead sink into
the sands, torn from their creed.

Beyond the silky, tear-rimmed shore,
Deeper still into the spray,
Lurks the dark and far-away
eye of the storm, pain grows more.

Within the heart of this all,
Lie shreds of hope, long since lost.
All are but lingering ghosts,
Which never let the storm fall.

Cry now in eternal grief, O'er the pain that keeps growing.
Sigh now but not in relief, For the gale that keeps blowing.
Found now, is this Ocean's thief...


It is very interesting how then and now, this poem still represents how I feel...

22...

Today marks the end of my 21st year. Last night my friends held a little party which I would like to think was for me. Drinks aplenty, food abundant, the music was to my liking... a little too much to my liking I'd say.

Happiness was what I had felt. Something that I hadn't felt purely for a long time. Alas, this happiness was not to be pure either. I was as happy as my capacity allowed at the time. I spent the entire night orbitting the emptiness which was the core of my existence then; it has been for a long, long time now. A simple shrug and point was all I needed to reaffirm myself that as happy as the occassion was, it was not for me. The happiness alas, was not for me. I know not what can ever fill this hideous vacuum which now resides in my heart... I know not why it or I was even there to begin with.
To be with my friends. People who I celebrate. People who remind me of the cheer that we are capable of creating for ourselves, to celebrate what we've all been through, to celebrate "us"-ness. A little insight from a dear friend soon had me questioning as well, why some of us were there. The uniqueness of the atmosphere of this little party soon unfolded into what a more observant me would have noticed without fail from the very beginning. For that night, it was not only our voices which were strained when the songs became singable... Manners? We lacked in them that night. Some of us even more so but what is one to do about such lax in conscience?
Smiles thrown here and there, laughter poured out of our hearts at each little antic we found ourselves doing... which of those smiles were donned at heart as there were on face?
As the night came to a close, I walked out of the room in which I had fallen aslumber and walked out to see that I had indeed missed a party. I had had a party robbed of me. I had been robbed of my birthday... I had been robbed of what used to be in this now vacant space inside... My wholeness, gone and along with it... someone else...
I do thank the hosts and all of my friends present for the organization and attendance of the little reunion. I fear though that I must say this has been the most melancholic of parties I've attended. I had fun. I really did. I enjoyed myself. But I was not fully myself to begin with.

Thank you Bishan, Thank you Kristie, Thank you Xinch, Thank you Bsim, Thank you May. And Sorry. I tried...

22.

Extravagant

I had a dream last night. I know we all dream but how many people create a song in the dream? I can only remember the general content of the lyrics and of course the type of song it was. Coming from myself, it was obviously an emotional love song. A sad one. I can't remember how the song goes and how it is sung but what I do know is that it was a song for You.

Remember once where you said you were destroying me? Although I denied it, both of us knew it was true. And it is. I know not what has become of the person I used to call myself. I am probably twenty times more irritable than I was before, I probably am less patient than I was before. Moody is the word constantly associable with me now. Interesting. I am much more quiet and less cheery. Destruction? Nice.

Maybe I should listen to you and believe this is all because I'm such an attention-seeker and everything that I'd ever done for you was because I wanted your attention. Well then you've justified how you were trying to extinguish my "crave" from the very beginning to the end of it all. Congratulations. Your ignoring of this annoying little brat has finally paid off. You finally have what you want. Now I have no one to seek attention from and no one around me to give my attention to. What will happen next? I shall curl into a ball and die. Oh wait, I have a poodle to help me do that now. Joy.

Keeping this entry short, I'd say that you were the best and the worst thing to ever have happenned to me. My 21st year was a blast. I love you (do you believe me now?!).

Let It Simmer and then Watch It Fade.

The frustrated anger from my last post was as always, short-lived and soon overcome. That wasn't something that would create any obstacle at all for myself. What would indeed be hard to overcome is somewhat more substatial than anger. It would have to be the cacophony of all the experiences that we had shared, all the dreams and plans which I had thought would happen one day and the nethermost desacration of my already derelict hope.

I have since decided that I shall just continue to be who I really am. Some minor things will be tweaked and of course I should pay attention to more things and to act when action is called upon. Sitting back and watching things happen is marvelous, yet there are certain things in which one must stand up and act for or against.

I shall take with me bitter-sweet memories and cherish what we once had and scrap everything else which is irrelevant. Irrelevant? What was relevant/irrelevant? This doesn't make things any easier. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"? Well, I've found loving someone isn't as simple. The reason being that even having lost, I yet still love... Or do I?

"I would say that it is her loss but why do I feel that I've lost so much more?" No matter how that is phrased it ends up being the words of a self-absorbed fool mocking the very foundation of what people call love. Do not approach me and tell me that it is merely a method of making oneself feel better because any fool could look at the bigger picture and see he is but adding to his jug of sadness and only ends up with an overflowing tank.