Hail?

Hail to the year of 2009. The festive season has come and will be coming to an end pretty soon. It is times like these where the feeling of lonesomeness peaks. 2008, a year of change according to the Oracle in my life right now (my dearest Panyang). I could not disagree with her. I saw many things change in the said year and what choice does one have but to adjust (or try to) in an attempt to be able to live with the changes.
I have found myself overwhelmed with some of these changes and my attempts to cope seem to have failed and are probably still failing. Unlike the intelligent sentient being which I supposedly am, I do not seem to be changing my approach to coping with these changes and making the best of my "resources". Instead I still cling onto the failure of a scheme which I have devised for myself in which I live for the moment and not pay a cent's attention to what is to come although it is haranguing me constantly. I seem to be able to constantly tell myself that I can succeed in ignoring the fact that it (my action plan) is not working and I am still suffering from what seems to be withdrawal-most-vile from the dredges of a relationship which failed so utterly. I seem to have let it toss myself out of whatever direction I had vaguely shaped for myself prior to falling head-over-heels.
Today it seems normal for me to feel that grunge in my belly everytime I am exposed to anything which hints at romance (or loneliness) and hold onto the thought so that I might further brood upon it as I throw myself back into flashbacks of what has been and what could not have been. Even my little getaway trip to Taiwan was not spared as every waking moment in that stupid little vacation, every bit of lovely scenery, every step I took in that strange and foreign country was taken with the wariness that I was there alone essentially despite being surrounded by family.
It would be a vile and malicious lie if I were to now say that I was not in love with You back then. It would be a second vile and malicious lie if I said that I was in love with you now. It would seem to be that I just have a case of absurd lonliness.
My coping mechanism is a primal one. Hedonism. Ever since that day, I have paid little attention to what consequence many of my actions and decisions would entail. I do what I can, when I can. I have joined a gaming community, I've shrugged most classes for half a year, I've let myself get silly drunk without much thought for others anymore. I've lost track of who I am. I've lost track of who I want to be. I sit here now because I have had a moment where I could lay back and think about what I will be doing in 4 month's time... I have no idea. With the grades which I have achieved, I do not see much of a bright future. I do not expect to be able to do what I had initially set out to do. I may have passed most of my papers but I am still essentially a failure. I am lost at what I am to do right now. I have no proper working experience to boast. I have not a rich family to buffer me as I try my hand at setting up my own business (nor the drive, interest or knowledge).
I blame not You for this. I might add that You have probably contributed but otherwise, like my old self, I will not blame You for it. Explaning myself stops there. I have made decisions most unwisely and the consequence of my hedonism is that I have a very blurry - if not bleak - future ahead of me. I do not relish what lies ahead.
On an ending note for this post, I would like to revise Shakespeare who was quoted: "T'is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" and say that I believe he was wrong in my case. Losing my virginity has altered not my appetite for sharing a woman's bed but having loved and lost without the benefit of actual physical distance from one another is chilling, cruel, frustrating and nothing short of agony.
The incoherence here is astonishing... I am still myself.