Lonely, Yeah That's The Word...

It's been 8 months now since the last post. I'm sure the absence of posting has reduced the already minute amount of readers. I worry not as this is a personal blog anyway.
I've been away for a while now. Away not from where I geographically belong but from who I used to be. I think I'm back. Home sweet home? I think not. Yet then and again, it may be so.
You've heard tyme and tyme again, "lonliness in a crowd" is far from unheard of and I has it. It's not a disease that I loathe but rather a state of being which I used to revere. Sure I whore a lot - whore being the fact that I fly here and there around the social arena called "college" and I seem to be getting by well enough - but it's not as it once was. The feeling of emptiness has never been this big. A crevasse within me.

For those who know of my relationship (and there are so many of you [to me]), don't get me wrong, I'm still in it and I still love You.

Sometimes it's hard to think about change. I claim to be flexible yet there are some things I wish didn't have to change. Sadly, things do change. The progress as of late has been somewhat disorientating. Maybe some things change to fast, maybe I just can't accept the fact that it has happenned (the change) and maybe sometimes I hate the changes. But to what avail?
As a friend once said (in a personal message on her MSN), "logic does not apply to human emotion". The current state exemplifies this.

If you're reading and wondering what I am going on about and why I am being so incoherent with my post, you obviously haven't known me long enough to know that what I post here is never the full story (to all stories pertaining to my personal life) nor is it meant to enlighten others on what I think. This is my rant zone and rant I shall.

Back to what I wanted to talk about. Loneliness. As much of a hedonistic social nutcase that I appear to be at times, I wish to be alone. It almost seems to me that socialization is just business (and business isn't too bad) not only do I enjoy it, I love it. But I also yearn to be alone. 11 months back, things changed. Socialization seemed less important and instead I wanted other company. Still needing to be able to connect to others, I still continued to socialize (and I still do so till today). Recently it seems that such social masturbation has become insufficient to me. I still enjoy doing it, but it's not what I really want. I want to be who I am. I want to be myself, not burdened with the cadavers of what I've done or what I've been said to have done and worry less of what others would say or how they would react. I do not wish to be a slave to my own empathy. Such freedom will not however find it's way to the confines of my life it seems. I am who I am and I am burdened with this load of mort. Such is the price of accountability or attempted responsibility.

I am lonely, by myself, in myself, only with myself. I only wonder when I will take my load and shove it through this crevasse and walk away.