Better Than Bronze

Oh joy, the news is great, I'm almost too happy for him but to what extent does my heart rejoice with his? To what purpose is my celebration of the occurrence? In his namesake? In the name of friendship? Of course. Don't get me wrong, I honestly am happy for him. For both of them. The problem would be that this kinda thing really does remind me of what I've been through (here we go again).

Honestly, I can't continue doing this. I can't keep torturing myself like this. Maybe I should get myself a girlfriend. Maybe not. I should finish off my letting go of her. Maybe I should stop listening to all these sad love songs. Maybe I should start listening to rap. Bah, who the heck am I kidding? Me? Rap? Nah.

Thinking to myself, I've said that I wouldn't make a good wedding-singer because I just don't really do all that many happy love songs. I think I do much better with sad songs and songs of solace. My throat's gotten a bit better but it's still a little clogged up. at least I know I'm healing and that currently there's no sign of relapse.

My good friend asked me, "how do you do it!?" I was shook by her bleak exasperation in her frustrated voice when she said that. The amount of distress. She's only got 5 more months to stop if she's to stick to her plan. I couldn't really give her a proper answer. My answer to that would have been "because I said I'd do it". I think that's probably the true reason why I quit, because I said I would. Not because I needed to. Not because I thought it would save me that much money. Not because it might have been one of the reasons why I'm still single, no. It's because I said I would quit. I should really act more than talk. Putting things into practice for my own sake.

Cheers to my friend and his achievement which was well-deserved.

The Anonymous Day...

Woke up at 10.30am today. Late. No, totally missed class at 9. My brother turned off the alarm and didn't bother to let me know that it rang. Damn. Why couldn't he've just let me know!? Argh. I hate missing classes. Whenever I miss a class, I feel completely lost the next class. Damn damn damn damn damn. Oh well, spilt milk.

Still cold turkey =/. My throat, my head, my voice... ouch. Been a really quiet day for me. Nothing really happenned. Nothing ever really does happen. There was however one of those attacks again. Those attacks of lonliness. Damn (yes, my seventh damn).

What's wrong with being single right? What's wrong with spending so much time alone? Nothing. It's just sometimes you wish you had someone to send a message to and just ask her what she's doing or just to send her a message which has no meaning whatsoever, just for the sake of sending it. Someone to listen to as she rants and as she complains of what her classes are about or what her friends told her. Someone to be the "you" or the "her" in all those love songs I sing along to. Someone I can think of all day and wondering what she's doing at this very moment in time. Someone to worry about.
But who am I to kid? I doubt I need a relationship. It's not like it would really help me through what I'm going through. Sure there are friends for me to care about and friends who care about me but hey, they're really different.

I really need that guitar. Maybe a new hobby will keep my mind from wandering into another attack. They don't really help the fact that I'm bored and emotionally vulnerable for the moment. I guess I'll try to get my work-out done now... and maybe get some sleep earlier tonight, I can't afford to miss my class tomorrow. Damn.

After The While...

Gee, it's been 3 whole months since I last posted. Well, things have happenned within these 3 months, things which have - in their own manner - sort of altered my direction in life. A whole semester went by and during this semester (as short as it was), I saw the grimmer side of myself emerge. Already feeling guilty, miserable and lonely, the mundane classes I had to attend didn't really bring out the colour in my leaves either.

The exams didn't really help me enjoy my New Year either. They aren't the worst that I've done so far but they don't really compliment me either. I'm like, Eek!, are my grades already not good enough? What's up with that!? Those 2 lecturers.... they realy overdid it this semester. Asked for too much. They asked of too much from me, who studied too little too late =/.

Coming back to why I stopped posting for so long would be because first of all, I kinda lacked the mood to do anything productive or counter-productive which I felt at that time would take effort and would only make me feel worse. Second to that reason would be because I'd recently moved house to this new area which didn't really have internet access so I was disconnected, discontented and very, very disgruntled.

Oh well, with the New Year, there are my resolutions. Well, the first of them all is for me to completely stop smoking. So far, I haven't touched a stick. The cold turkey symptoms only got to me 3 days ago. Amazing, it took 2 weeks for me to feel the effects. For a while, I thought the worst was already over then the next second, I'm IN the worst part of it all.

Talking about the present, I've begun classes for a week now. My second semester in my second year... With 4 subjects in my face again, life can resume its normal pace at a week at a time. I can look at life as a part of a week again. Maybe I can disconnect from the reality of life and just become a revolving gear in the machine of the institution again. Maybe not. Maybe I need to buck up this semester. Maybe I need to shine. Maybe, I need to actually stop procrastinating and getting work done as I get it.

Well, yeah, I just wanted to rant about the past few months and the whole disorientation I'm feeling about rejoining college and classes.

Man made the Institution but the Institution can mighty well, unmake the Man.