Was looking through some of my older posts and came across this poem I wrote quite a while back...
Robber of the Ocean's Blue
O'er all the calm in the seas,
All the blue grows but bluer,
All the pain grows but truer,
O'er moaning under the breeze.
The grumbling sands seem to bleed,
Ev'ry breath it breathes unto,
Shells- husks of dead sink into
the sands, torn from their creed.
Beyond the silky, tear-rimmed shore,
Deeper still into the spray,
Lurks the dark and far-away
eye of the storm, pain grows more.
Within the heart of this all,
Lie shreds of hope, long since lost.
All are but lingering ghosts,
Which never let the storm fall.
Cry now in eternal grief, O'er the pain that keeps growing.
Sigh now but not in relief, For the gale that keeps blowing.
Found now, is this Ocean's thief...
It is very interesting how then and now, this poem still represents how I feel...
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
22...
Today marks the end of my 21st year. Last night my friends held a little party which I would like to think was for me. Drinks aplenty, food abundant, the music was to my liking... a little too much to my liking I'd say.
Happiness was what I had felt. Something that I hadn't felt purely for a long time. Alas, this happiness was not to be pure either. I was as happy as my capacity allowed at the time. I spent the entire night orbitting the emptiness which was the core of my existence then; it has been for a long, long time now. A simple shrug and point was all I needed to reaffirm myself that as happy as the occassion was, it was not for me. The happiness alas, was not for me. I know not what can ever fill this hideous vacuum which now resides in my heart... I know not why it or I was even there to begin with.
To be with my friends. People who I celebrate. People who remind me of the cheer that we are capable of creating for ourselves, to celebrate what we've all been through, to celebrate "us"-ness. A little insight from a dear friend soon had me questioning as well, why some of us were there. The uniqueness of the atmosphere of this little party soon unfolded into what a more observant me would have noticed without fail from the very beginning. For that night, it was not only our voices which were strained when the songs became singable... Manners? We lacked in them that night. Some of us even more so but what is one to do about such lax in conscience?
Smiles thrown here and there, laughter poured out of our hearts at each little antic we found ourselves doing... which of those smiles were donned at heart as there were on face?
As the night came to a close, I walked out of the room in which I had fallen aslumber and walked out to see that I had indeed missed a party. I had had a party robbed of me. I had been robbed of my birthday... I had been robbed of what used to be in this now vacant space inside... My wholeness, gone and along with it... someone else...
I do thank the hosts and all of my friends present for the organization and attendance of the little reunion. I fear though that I must say this has been the most melancholic of parties I've attended. I had fun. I really did. I enjoyed myself. But I was not fully myself to begin with.
Thank you Bishan, Thank you Kristie, Thank you Xinch, Thank you Bsim, Thank you May. And Sorry. I tried...
22.
Happiness was what I had felt. Something that I hadn't felt purely for a long time. Alas, this happiness was not to be pure either. I was as happy as my capacity allowed at the time. I spent the entire night orbitting the emptiness which was the core of my existence then; it has been for a long, long time now. A simple shrug and point was all I needed to reaffirm myself that as happy as the occassion was, it was not for me. The happiness alas, was not for me. I know not what can ever fill this hideous vacuum which now resides in my heart... I know not why it or I was even there to begin with.
To be with my friends. People who I celebrate. People who remind me of the cheer that we are capable of creating for ourselves, to celebrate what we've all been through, to celebrate "us"-ness. A little insight from a dear friend soon had me questioning as well, why some of us were there. The uniqueness of the atmosphere of this little party soon unfolded into what a more observant me would have noticed without fail from the very beginning. For that night, it was not only our voices which were strained when the songs became singable... Manners? We lacked in them that night. Some of us even more so but what is one to do about such lax in conscience?
Smiles thrown here and there, laughter poured out of our hearts at each little antic we found ourselves doing... which of those smiles were donned at heart as there were on face?
As the night came to a close, I walked out of the room in which I had fallen aslumber and walked out to see that I had indeed missed a party. I had had a party robbed of me. I had been robbed of my birthday... I had been robbed of what used to be in this now vacant space inside... My wholeness, gone and along with it... someone else...
I do thank the hosts and all of my friends present for the organization and attendance of the little reunion. I fear though that I must say this has been the most melancholic of parties I've attended. I had fun. I really did. I enjoyed myself. But I was not fully myself to begin with.
Thank you Bishan, Thank you Kristie, Thank you Xinch, Thank you Bsim, Thank you May. And Sorry. I tried...
22.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Extravagant
I had a dream last night. I know we all dream but how many people create a song in the dream? I can only remember the general content of the lyrics and of course the type of song it was. Coming from myself, it was obviously an emotional love song. A sad one. I can't remember how the song goes and how it is sung but what I do know is that it was a song for You.
Remember once where you said you were destroying me? Although I denied it, both of us knew it was true. And it is. I know not what has become of the person I used to call myself. I am probably twenty times more irritable than I was before, I probably am less patient than I was before. Moody is the word constantly associable with me now. Interesting. I am much more quiet and less cheery. Destruction? Nice.
Maybe I should listen to you and believe this is all because I'm such an attention-seeker and everything that I'd ever done for you was because I wanted your attention. Well then you've justified how you were trying to extinguish my "crave" from the very beginning to the end of it all. Congratulations. Your ignoring of this annoying little brat has finally paid off. You finally have what you want. Now I have no one to seek attention from and no one around me to give my attention to. What will happen next? I shall curl into a ball and die. Oh wait, I have a poodle to help me do that now. Joy.
Keeping this entry short, I'd say that you were the best and the worst thing to ever have happenned to me. My 21st year was a blast. I love you (do you believe me now?!).
Remember once where you said you were destroying me? Although I denied it, both of us knew it was true. And it is. I know not what has become of the person I used to call myself. I am probably twenty times more irritable than I was before, I probably am less patient than I was before. Moody is the word constantly associable with me now. Interesting. I am much more quiet and less cheery. Destruction? Nice.
Maybe I should listen to you and believe this is all because I'm such an attention-seeker and everything that I'd ever done for you was because I wanted your attention. Well then you've justified how you were trying to extinguish my "crave" from the very beginning to the end of it all. Congratulations. Your ignoring of this annoying little brat has finally paid off. You finally have what you want. Now I have no one to seek attention from and no one around me to give my attention to. What will happen next? I shall curl into a ball and die. Oh wait, I have a poodle to help me do that now. Joy.
Keeping this entry short, I'd say that you were the best and the worst thing to ever have happenned to me. My 21st year was a blast. I love you (do you believe me now?!).
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Let It Simmer and then Watch It Fade.
The frustrated anger from my last post was as always, short-lived and soon overcome. That wasn't something that would create any obstacle at all for myself. What would indeed be hard to overcome is somewhat more substatial than anger. It would have to be the cacophony of all the experiences that we had shared, all the dreams and plans which I had thought would happen one day and the nethermost desacration of my already derelict hope.
I have since decided that I shall just continue to be who I really am. Some minor things will be tweaked and of course I should pay attention to more things and to act when action is called upon. Sitting back and watching things happen is marvelous, yet there are certain things in which one must stand up and act for or against.
I shall take with me bitter-sweet memories and cherish what we once had and scrap everything else which is irrelevant. Irrelevant? What was relevant/irrelevant? This doesn't make things any easier. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"? Well, I've found loving someone isn't as simple. The reason being that even having lost, I yet still love... Or do I?
"I would say that it is her loss but why do I feel that I've lost so much more?" No matter how that is phrased it ends up being the words of a self-absorbed fool mocking the very foundation of what people call love. Do not approach me and tell me that it is merely a method of making oneself feel better because any fool could look at the bigger picture and see he is but adding to his jug of sadness and only ends up with an overflowing tank.
I have since decided that I shall just continue to be who I really am. Some minor things will be tweaked and of course I should pay attention to more things and to act when action is called upon. Sitting back and watching things happen is marvelous, yet there are certain things in which one must stand up and act for or against.
I shall take with me bitter-sweet memories and cherish what we once had and scrap everything else which is irrelevant. Irrelevant? What was relevant/irrelevant? This doesn't make things any easier. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"? Well, I've found loving someone isn't as simple. The reason being that even having lost, I yet still love... Or do I?
"I would say that it is her loss but why do I feel that I've lost so much more?" No matter how that is phrased it ends up being the words of a self-absorbed fool mocking the very foundation of what people call love. Do not approach me and tell me that it is merely a method of making oneself feel better because any fool could look at the bigger picture and see he is but adding to his jug of sadness and only ends up with an overflowing tank.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The other side of the coin?
It seems to have been an aeon since I last posted something of substance at all. Much has come and gone since. More has gone however. Sadly.
The period of silence was not because I was too busy to blog. It was because I felt no whim to blog. I decided that I would ignore things such as this for a while. But tonight it's different. I'm in a "I-want-to-pour-my-heart-out" sort of mood. I feel like doing a little ranting so I can say things that I really feel like saying and putting some thought into text.
"Always give and not take". What have I learnt from that? Well, what goes around doesn't always come around like you'd want it to. Sometimes, the ettiquitte of a smile and some warmth isn't returned. You try to think of something to talk about and you hope you can soup up something which could break at least the 5-minute barrier so that you can gladly tell yourself "at least we can still talk" and at the back of your mind as you also seem to remember that it would be normal for the other person in question to reciprocate and also think of and try to talk about something which would be more than 2 lines to avoid observing a monologue. This is all of course if the other party in question is interested at all in such communication (note that 5 minutes was merely an example. I'm sure you got it).
I wonder why I bothered with those long pauses. Why I bothered to think of things to say when it was obvious that what I had to say didn't matter but would only matter if I said something wrong.
I've always thought of myself as a person who gave and I've always tried to live up to that. The extent to which I carry out my claim is unknown to me but I try. Maybe I should become more of a taker. Being a little more selfish may prove to be more practical. I should wait to be served, listen in on what could potentially be wrong and what I could potentially use as the currency of a synonym of blackmail. Of course I should watch my every step and ensure that I myself do nothing wrong leaving the other party at a loss of reason. Building such guilt and thronging the balance of power in my favour. Life would be easier. I would be happier and be able to sleep at night knowing that I have nothing to worry about other than what I can dig up from that other's cesspool.
To compliment that, I should also aspire to be completely unforgiving. Strike forth with wrath so furious that repentance would be known as stabbing a pair of scissors in your thigh - and that would only stop me from arguing and putting it in your face. I'll still make sure to hold it against you.
I should be less trusting as well, never ever letting anyone near anything of my possession and at the next moment's opportunity I shall plunder and ransack every possible nook or cranny to discover more filth within you so I can dig it out and smother it all over your face again.
I should be merciless and ruthless. Hot-cold will not work with me, I will let you "brew in your own stew". No, it's none of my business, you're having a hard time? I'll leave you to it. Support? Support is for losers. Wait, if that were true, then you would need it wouldn't you? I think I'll call you something else. I know! "Boyfriend". Or was it Ex?
Oh deary me, I'm so sad, I'm so angry at myself for letting this happen! What shall I do now? I miss half of what was me. Or so I thought. I should end it all. I don't want to carry on this way, I should end me. But I'm not suicidal yet... Tears? What tears?
I am not the happiest man on Earth right now and I am ranting because I can. If you have a problem with this, call me and we can sit down for tea and scones. My treat. Pfffffffft.
The period of silence was not because I was too busy to blog. It was because I felt no whim to blog. I decided that I would ignore things such as this for a while. But tonight it's different. I'm in a "I-want-to-pour-my-heart-out" sort of mood. I feel like doing a little ranting so I can say things that I really feel like saying and putting some thought into text.
"Always give and not take". What have I learnt from that? Well, what goes around doesn't always come around like you'd want it to. Sometimes, the ettiquitte of a smile and some warmth isn't returned. You try to think of something to talk about and you hope you can soup up something which could break at least the 5-minute barrier so that you can gladly tell yourself "at least we can still talk" and at the back of your mind as you also seem to remember that it would be normal for the other person in question to reciprocate and also think of and try to talk about something which would be more than 2 lines to avoid observing a monologue. This is all of course if the other party in question is interested at all in such communication (note that 5 minutes was merely an example. I'm sure you got it).
I wonder why I bothered with those long pauses. Why I bothered to think of things to say when it was obvious that what I had to say didn't matter but would only matter if I said something wrong.
I've always thought of myself as a person who gave and I've always tried to live up to that. The extent to which I carry out my claim is unknown to me but I try. Maybe I should become more of a taker. Being a little more selfish may prove to be more practical. I should wait to be served, listen in on what could potentially be wrong and what I could potentially use as the currency of a synonym of blackmail. Of course I should watch my every step and ensure that I myself do nothing wrong leaving the other party at a loss of reason. Building such guilt and thronging the balance of power in my favour. Life would be easier. I would be happier and be able to sleep at night knowing that I have nothing to worry about other than what I can dig up from that other's cesspool.
To compliment that, I should also aspire to be completely unforgiving. Strike forth with wrath so furious that repentance would be known as stabbing a pair of scissors in your thigh - and that would only stop me from arguing and putting it in your face. I'll still make sure to hold it against you.
I should be less trusting as well, never ever letting anyone near anything of my possession and at the next moment's opportunity I shall plunder and ransack every possible nook or cranny to discover more filth within you so I can dig it out and smother it all over your face again.
I should be merciless and ruthless. Hot-cold will not work with me, I will let you "brew in your own stew". No, it's none of my business, you're having a hard time? I'll leave you to it. Support? Support is for losers. Wait, if that were true, then you would need it wouldn't you? I think I'll call you something else. I know! "Boyfriend". Or was it Ex?
Oh deary me, I'm so sad, I'm so angry at myself for letting this happen! What shall I do now? I miss half of what was me. Or so I thought. I should end it all. I don't want to carry on this way, I should end me. But I'm not suicidal yet... Tears? What tears?
I am not the happiest man on Earth right now and I am ranting because I can. If you have a problem with this, call me and we can sit down for tea and scones. My treat. Pfffffffft.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Empty - The Click Five
Tried to take a picture
Of love
Didn't think I'd miss her
That much
I want to fill this new frame
But its empty
Tried to write a letter
In ink
Its been getting better
I think
I got a piece of paper
But its empty
Its empty
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty
And I've even wondered
If we
Should be getting under
These sheets
We could lie in this bed
But its empty
Its empty
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty
Oh oh
Oh oh
Oooooh
Oh oh
Oh oh
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty
We're empty
We're empty...
So it's a Click Five Song. I didn't expect anything of such a quality to come from them but here I am quoting their lyrics. I love this song and it says a lot for me.
Tried to take a picture
Of love
Didn't think I'd miss her
That much
I want to fill this new frame
But its empty
Tried to write a letter
In ink
Its been getting better
I think
I got a piece of paper
But its empty
Its empty
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty
And I've even wondered
If we
Should be getting under
These sheets
We could lie in this bed
But its empty
Its empty
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty
Oh oh
Oh oh
Oooooh
Oh oh
Oh oh
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty
We're empty
We're empty...
So it's a Click Five Song. I didn't expect anything of such a quality to come from them but here I am quoting their lyrics. I love this song and it says a lot for me.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Lonely, Yeah That's The Word...
It's been 8 months now since the last post. I'm sure the absence of posting has reduced the already minute amount of readers. I worry not as this is a personal blog anyway.
I've been away for a while now. Away not from where I geographically belong but from who I used to be. I think I'm back. Home sweet home? I think not. Yet then and again, it may be so.
You've heard tyme and tyme again, "lonliness in a crowd" is far from unheard of and I has it. It's not a disease that I loathe but rather a state of being which I used to revere. Sure I whore a lot - whore being the fact that I fly here and there around the social arena called "college" and I seem to be getting by well enough - but it's not as it once was. The feeling of emptiness has never been this big. A crevasse within me.
For those who know of my relationship (and there are so many of you [to me]), don't get me wrong, I'm still in it and I still love You.
Sometimes it's hard to think about change. I claim to be flexible yet there are some things I wish didn't have to change. Sadly, things do change. The progress as of late has been somewhat disorientating. Maybe some things change to fast, maybe I just can't accept the fact that it has happenned (the change) and maybe sometimes I hate the changes. But to what avail?
As a friend once said (in a personal message on her MSN), "logic does not apply to human emotion". The current state exemplifies this.
If you're reading and wondering what I am going on about and why I am being so incoherent with my post, you obviously haven't known me long enough to know that what I post here is never the full story (to all stories pertaining to my personal life) nor is it meant to enlighten others on what I think. This is my rant zone and rant I shall.
Back to what I wanted to talk about. Loneliness. As much of a hedonistic social nutcase that I appear to be at times, I wish to be alone. It almost seems to me that socialization is just business (and business isn't too bad) not only do I enjoy it, I love it. But I also yearn to be alone. 11 months back, things changed. Socialization seemed less important and instead I wanted other company. Still needing to be able to connect to others, I still continued to socialize (and I still do so till today). Recently it seems that such social masturbation has become insufficient to me. I still enjoy doing it, but it's not what I really want. I want to be who I am. I want to be myself, not burdened with the cadavers of what I've done or what I've been said to have done and worry less of what others would say or how they would react. I do not wish to be a slave to my own empathy. Such freedom will not however find it's way to the confines of my life it seems. I am who I am and I am burdened with this load of mort. Such is the price of accountability or attempted responsibility.
I am lonely, by myself, in myself, only with myself. I only wonder when I will take my load and shove it through this crevasse and walk away.
I've been away for a while now. Away not from where I geographically belong but from who I used to be. I think I'm back. Home sweet home? I think not. Yet then and again, it may be so.
You've heard tyme and tyme again, "lonliness in a crowd" is far from unheard of and I has it. It's not a disease that I loathe but rather a state of being which I used to revere. Sure I whore a lot - whore being the fact that I fly here and there around the social arena called "college" and I seem to be getting by well enough - but it's not as it once was. The feeling of emptiness has never been this big. A crevasse within me.
For those who know of my relationship (and there are so many of you [to me]), don't get me wrong, I'm still in it and I still love You.
Sometimes it's hard to think about change. I claim to be flexible yet there are some things I wish didn't have to change. Sadly, things do change. The progress as of late has been somewhat disorientating. Maybe some things change to fast, maybe I just can't accept the fact that it has happenned (the change) and maybe sometimes I hate the changes. But to what avail?
As a friend once said (in a personal message on her MSN), "logic does not apply to human emotion". The current state exemplifies this.
If you're reading and wondering what I am going on about and why I am being so incoherent with my post, you obviously haven't known me long enough to know that what I post here is never the full story (to all stories pertaining to my personal life) nor is it meant to enlighten others on what I think. This is my rant zone and rant I shall.
Back to what I wanted to talk about. Loneliness. As much of a hedonistic social nutcase that I appear to be at times, I wish to be alone. It almost seems to me that socialization is just business (and business isn't too bad) not only do I enjoy it, I love it. But I also yearn to be alone. 11 months back, things changed. Socialization seemed less important and instead I wanted other company. Still needing to be able to connect to others, I still continued to socialize (and I still do so till today). Recently it seems that such social masturbation has become insufficient to me. I still enjoy doing it, but it's not what I really want. I want to be who I am. I want to be myself, not burdened with the cadavers of what I've done or what I've been said to have done and worry less of what others would say or how they would react. I do not wish to be a slave to my own empathy. Such freedom will not however find it's way to the confines of my life it seems. I am who I am and I am burdened with this load of mort. Such is the price of accountability or attempted responsibility.
I am lonely, by myself, in myself, only with myself. I only wonder when I will take my load and shove it through this crevasse and walk away.
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