I Guess Not.

Well, as unconventional as this is for me, I believe that I should say:
Haha.
Although the past six months and more seem to have been an utter waste of time and a complete escapist path, tonight I feel fine. I feel so free tonight that I simply cannot believe that I own this blog :P.

I feel bubbly and warm. A feeling which has long eluded me in genuinity. I feel free. As if a great burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I am not sure what has happenned. Nor do I believe that it is important for me to find out. I shall revel in my mood for as long as it lasts. No brooding, no regrets, just thoughtful joy. At least for the moment =).

*bump!*

Regret?

Many people have told me that I should carry on and that I should never have tried so hard. Many people who care about me told me that I should not have done what I had done when I was doing it. They called me stupid, they called me less than a man for what I had done for it. Now I look back upon it all... I look at what is happenning now... although I had wished for it to end better but we can't all have our cake and eat it can we? If that were the case we would all lead simpler and happier lives. Despite discouragement from a myriad of people... even the very person I fell for, I held on. Because I was stupid? Less than a man? Because I had bad taste? I held on through the toughest of times, through the roughest of treatments that the ordeal could throw at me. I never gave up... because I believe in You.
There is no typo there. I still believe in You. No doubt I cannot imagine myself with You ever again but I believe in You. I would like to tell You that but I am afraid it has been long since You have had ears for me. I would like to tell You that I still care. I still care about how You are feeling, how your day was, what You are up to, how things are coming along for You. I've wondered for about a year now. I would like to ask You of all these things but life is never that simple is it?
For all those "stupid" things, for what the situation is now, the only regret I have is for being bitter for too long.

And now we wait.

After a night and more than half a day's worth of sleep, I have come to better terms with what I learnt earlier last night. However that currently is not the main concern. I learnt even more last night. This further knowledge was not of the same genre of its predecessor. It hurt. Disappointed. Instilled disbelief. Made me feel betrayed. Made me feel like the fool in a very cruel game.

All I can do now is to try and get things sorted out and to ask to talk with You. I want to clear things up. If only You would agree to talk with me... Till then I wait.

Whirlpools. Chaos. Havoc. I am lost.

Lost again...

Tonight I asked a question which I wish I had not. An innocent question with all the best of intentions seemingly created another limbo for myself. I would like to apologize to BB for asking and for putting BB into a difficult situation. You have not betrayed your friend nor have you done anything wrong, which is why I apologize.

The hopes which I had built for myself in trying to pick up the dredges of our friendship has come to a halt for now. It will not progress any further until I find myself capable of digesting what I have learnt tonight.

I rage not for what has been revealed. I merely feel like I am a broken bottle taped together again and someone has just spun me and then tossed me into a brick wall upon which I have been scattered. The shards are everywhere. I am once again, lost. Dazed and confused.

I hope time will help me with this one.

This side...

Another dream. About less than half a year ago, the dreams were of things we had done together, things we used to do, things I loved to do. I would wake up angry, angry at myself for having let such bliss slip, angry at You for having let these times fade. Today's was different. They have been different for a little while now. Perception. I feel somewhat happier now. I have always been somewhat happy inside. Just to see that You seem happier since You left me, more free, more... You.
I am happy for you. Apologies for the lack of physical distance between us sometimes. I have tried my best to give you space and time. I know not if my attempts were successful so I can only hope that they were of help. I know not what You are going through, I did my most to pay as little attention as I could but never could I stop wondering about what you might be doing and how you might be feeling.
With this, I might reiterate that I wish You happiness and that I hope someday soon, like we once talked about almost a year ago that we might one day sit down and enjoy a meal together like the friends we want to be. I can only hope that it is not only "the friends that I want to be".

No further pinch.