It's been a while. Apparently I'm not like Pomme-Pomme or others who seem to have a lot to blog about. I don't have photos of my lifestyle which I'm ready to share with the world, a specific interest which encompasses what I do and what I blog about all the time. You notice my labels? Look for wall of shit. That's how I treat my blog. It's my wall of shit and when I feel like taking a dump, I do.
Monday, after my exam I was waiting for Pomme-Pomme to have lunch. An old friend came out of the exam hall before she did. We had a cigarette and my friend asks about You. It was interesting how she did not yet know of the break up but then and again, we were not particularly what one would call close friends. Her question was "how are you and that girl?" and my response to that was "it's almost been a year since we've broken up" but on hearing half of my response she remarked "you've been together for so long?!". "Oh...". Interestingly enough, my friend decided to promote You further. Commending me on being able to get such a "cute, pretty" girlfriend.
For people who know what my blog is like, sorry to keep you waiting, here's the pinch. I was stumped for a while once I heard my friend call You that. My mind could only say, "?!". It pains me to say that I had forgotten what You used to look like to me before it all went South. I have long since not seen the same thing for a while now. It would seem to be that I can no longer remember how I used to be able to drown myself in those eyes and all those times I corrected my cousin that the girl on the street he was checking out was ugly and when he said "yeah yeah, *name*'s the prettiest!" and I would reply with a wide grin and go "of course!". I really wonder where that all went. Does beauty really belong with the eye of the beholder? Has my perspective changed so much? I would like to believe that there is no more venom between the both of us but I can't help but feel the sting every now and then when You appear or turn up in a conversation. 5 hours on the balcony tells me this much, I'm not over this relationship but it would seem that I am over You. Where is the "cute, pretty" girl now? "Not bad, not bad".
I'm lonely, dejected and I miss someone. I just wonder why I really don't give a shit about anything anymore.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Drizzling.
I remember holding you, holding you so tight.
I remember feeling the warmth of you in my arms once again.
The smell of your hair always seemed to sober me to the fact that I loved you.
The stuff of magic, how simple I thought it would be just to hold you like that,
just to engage in that embrace, be the embrace.
To be able to feel your heart beat,
to lie next to you listening to you breath,
to try and breathe with you,
like one being,
To watch you sleep.
Seeing that again brings memories so dear to me,
but the words you spoke and what you asked of me was no short from baffling.
It reminded me that it was not real.
That question awakened me and slapped me out of it although I kept dreaming.
How could it be that you would ask that of me?
How could it be true that you would want that still?
How could I answer that?
We just lay there, as I held you in my arms.
So simply, so close.
The tenderness of your lips still tingles on mine,
I saw it all again, the way it was, the way I thought it should be.
But I knew.
Once you find out you're dreaming, you rise in disappointment.
I do not know how I would answer what you asked of me.
Impossible.
But I fear the answer should fall far from yes.
I remember feeling the warmth of you in my arms once again.
The smell of your hair always seemed to sober me to the fact that I loved you.
The stuff of magic, how simple I thought it would be just to hold you like that,
just to engage in that embrace, be the embrace.
To be able to feel your heart beat,
to lie next to you listening to you breath,
to try and breathe with you,
like one being,
To watch you sleep.
Seeing that again brings memories so dear to me,
but the words you spoke and what you asked of me was no short from baffling.
It reminded me that it was not real.
That question awakened me and slapped me out of it although I kept dreaming.
How could it be that you would ask that of me?
How could it be true that you would want that still?
How could I answer that?
We just lay there, as I held you in my arms.
So simply, so close.
The tenderness of your lips still tingles on mine,
I saw it all again, the way it was, the way I thought it should be.
But I knew.
Once you find out you're dreaming, you rise in disappointment.
I do not know how I would answer what you asked of me.
Impossible.
But I fear the answer should fall far from yes.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Hail?
Hail to the year of 2009. The festive season has come and will be coming to an end pretty soon. It is times like these where the feeling of lonesomeness peaks. 2008, a year of change according to the Oracle in my life right now (my dearest Panyang). I could not disagree with her. I saw many things change in the said year and what choice does one have but to adjust (or try to) in an attempt to be able to live with the changes.
I have found myself overwhelmed with some of these changes and my attempts to cope seem to have failed and are probably still failing. Unlike the intelligent sentient being which I supposedly am, I do not seem to be changing my approach to coping with these changes and making the best of my "resources". Instead I still cling onto the failure of a scheme which I have devised for myself in which I live for the moment and not pay a cent's attention to what is to come although it is haranguing me constantly. I seem to be able to constantly tell myself that I can succeed in ignoring the fact that it (my action plan) is not working and I am still suffering from what seems to be withdrawal-most-vile from the dredges of a relationship which failed so utterly. I seem to have let it toss myself out of whatever direction I had vaguely shaped for myself prior to falling head-over-heels.
Today it seems normal for me to feel that grunge in my belly everytime I am exposed to anything which hints at romance (or loneliness) and hold onto the thought so that I might further brood upon it as I throw myself back into flashbacks of what has been and what could not have been. Even my little getaway trip to Taiwan was not spared as every waking moment in that stupid little vacation, every bit of lovely scenery, every step I took in that strange and foreign country was taken with the wariness that I was there alone essentially despite being surrounded by family.
It would be a vile and malicious lie if I were to now say that I was not in love with You back then. It would be a second vile and malicious lie if I said that I was in love with you now. It would seem to be that I just have a case of absurd lonliness.
My coping mechanism is a primal one. Hedonism. Ever since that day, I have paid little attention to what consequence many of my actions and decisions would entail. I do what I can, when I can. I have joined a gaming community, I've shrugged most classes for half a year, I've let myself get silly drunk without much thought for others anymore. I've lost track of who I am. I've lost track of who I want to be. I sit here now because I have had a moment where I could lay back and think about what I will be doing in 4 month's time... I have no idea. With the grades which I have achieved, I do not see much of a bright future. I do not expect to be able to do what I had initially set out to do. I may have passed most of my papers but I am still essentially a failure. I am lost at what I am to do right now. I have no proper working experience to boast. I have not a rich family to buffer me as I try my hand at setting up my own business (nor the drive, interest or knowledge).
I blame not You for this. I might add that You have probably contributed but otherwise, like my old self, I will not blame You for it. Explaning myself stops there. I have made decisions most unwisely and the consequence of my hedonism is that I have a very blurry - if not bleak - future ahead of me. I do not relish what lies ahead.
On an ending note for this post, I would like to revise Shakespeare who was quoted: "T'is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" and say that I believe he was wrong in my case. Losing my virginity has altered not my appetite for sharing a woman's bed but having loved and lost without the benefit of actual physical distance from one another is chilling, cruel, frustrating and nothing short of agony.
The incoherence here is astonishing... I am still myself.
I have found myself overwhelmed with some of these changes and my attempts to cope seem to have failed and are probably still failing. Unlike the intelligent sentient being which I supposedly am, I do not seem to be changing my approach to coping with these changes and making the best of my "resources". Instead I still cling onto the failure of a scheme which I have devised for myself in which I live for the moment and not pay a cent's attention to what is to come although it is haranguing me constantly. I seem to be able to constantly tell myself that I can succeed in ignoring the fact that it (my action plan) is not working and I am still suffering from what seems to be withdrawal-most-vile from the dredges of a relationship which failed so utterly. I seem to have let it toss myself out of whatever direction I had vaguely shaped for myself prior to falling head-over-heels.
Today it seems normal for me to feel that grunge in my belly everytime I am exposed to anything which hints at romance (or loneliness) and hold onto the thought so that I might further brood upon it as I throw myself back into flashbacks of what has been and what could not have been. Even my little getaway trip to Taiwan was not spared as every waking moment in that stupid little vacation, every bit of lovely scenery, every step I took in that strange and foreign country was taken with the wariness that I was there alone essentially despite being surrounded by family.
It would be a vile and malicious lie if I were to now say that I was not in love with You back then. It would be a second vile and malicious lie if I said that I was in love with you now. It would seem to be that I just have a case of absurd lonliness.
My coping mechanism is a primal one. Hedonism. Ever since that day, I have paid little attention to what consequence many of my actions and decisions would entail. I do what I can, when I can. I have joined a gaming community, I've shrugged most classes for half a year, I've let myself get silly drunk without much thought for others anymore. I've lost track of who I am. I've lost track of who I want to be. I sit here now because I have had a moment where I could lay back and think about what I will be doing in 4 month's time... I have no idea. With the grades which I have achieved, I do not see much of a bright future. I do not expect to be able to do what I had initially set out to do. I may have passed most of my papers but I am still essentially a failure. I am lost at what I am to do right now. I have no proper working experience to boast. I have not a rich family to buffer me as I try my hand at setting up my own business (nor the drive, interest or knowledge).
I blame not You for this. I might add that You have probably contributed but otherwise, like my old self, I will not blame You for it. Explaning myself stops there. I have made decisions most unwisely and the consequence of my hedonism is that I have a very blurry - if not bleak - future ahead of me. I do not relish what lies ahead.
On an ending note for this post, I would like to revise Shakespeare who was quoted: "T'is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" and say that I believe he was wrong in my case. Losing my virginity has altered not my appetite for sharing a woman's bed but having loved and lost without the benefit of actual physical distance from one another is chilling, cruel, frustrating and nothing short of agony.
The incoherence here is astonishing... I am still myself.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Theft Revisited, Relived.
Was looking through some of my older posts and came across this poem I wrote quite a while back...
Robber of the Ocean's Blue
O'er all the calm in the seas,
All the blue grows but bluer,
All the pain grows but truer,
O'er moaning under the breeze.
The grumbling sands seem to bleed,
Ev'ry breath it breathes unto,
Shells- husks of dead sink into
the sands, torn from their creed.
Beyond the silky, tear-rimmed shore,
Deeper still into the spray,
Lurks the dark and far-away
eye of the storm, pain grows more.
Within the heart of this all,
Lie shreds of hope, long since lost.
All are but lingering ghosts,
Which never let the storm fall.
Cry now in eternal grief, O'er the pain that keeps growing.
Sigh now but not in relief, For the gale that keeps blowing.
Found now, is this Ocean's thief...
It is very interesting how then and now, this poem still represents how I feel...
Robber of the Ocean's Blue
O'er all the calm in the seas,
All the blue grows but bluer,
All the pain grows but truer,
O'er moaning under the breeze.
The grumbling sands seem to bleed,
Ev'ry breath it breathes unto,
Shells- husks of dead sink into
the sands, torn from their creed.
Beyond the silky, tear-rimmed shore,
Deeper still into the spray,
Lurks the dark and far-away
eye of the storm, pain grows more.
Within the heart of this all,
Lie shreds of hope, long since lost.
All are but lingering ghosts,
Which never let the storm fall.
Cry now in eternal grief, O'er the pain that keeps growing.
Sigh now but not in relief, For the gale that keeps blowing.
Found now, is this Ocean's thief...
It is very interesting how then and now, this poem still represents how I feel...
Sunday, September 21, 2008
22...
Today marks the end of my 21st year. Last night my friends held a little party which I would like to think was for me. Drinks aplenty, food abundant, the music was to my liking... a little too much to my liking I'd say.
Happiness was what I had felt. Something that I hadn't felt purely for a long time. Alas, this happiness was not to be pure either. I was as happy as my capacity allowed at the time. I spent the entire night orbitting the emptiness which was the core of my existence then; it has been for a long, long time now. A simple shrug and point was all I needed to reaffirm myself that as happy as the occassion was, it was not for me. The happiness alas, was not for me. I know not what can ever fill this hideous vacuum which now resides in my heart... I know not why it or I was even there to begin with.
To be with my friends. People who I celebrate. People who remind me of the cheer that we are capable of creating for ourselves, to celebrate what we've all been through, to celebrate "us"-ness. A little insight from a dear friend soon had me questioning as well, why some of us were there. The uniqueness of the atmosphere of this little party soon unfolded into what a more observant me would have noticed without fail from the very beginning. For that night, it was not only our voices which were strained when the songs became singable... Manners? We lacked in them that night. Some of us even more so but what is one to do about such lax in conscience?
Smiles thrown here and there, laughter poured out of our hearts at each little antic we found ourselves doing... which of those smiles were donned at heart as there were on face?
As the night came to a close, I walked out of the room in which I had fallen aslumber and walked out to see that I had indeed missed a party. I had had a party robbed of me. I had been robbed of my birthday... I had been robbed of what used to be in this now vacant space inside... My wholeness, gone and along with it... someone else...
I do thank the hosts and all of my friends present for the organization and attendance of the little reunion. I fear though that I must say this has been the most melancholic of parties I've attended. I had fun. I really did. I enjoyed myself. But I was not fully myself to begin with.
Thank you Bishan, Thank you Kristie, Thank you Xinch, Thank you Bsim, Thank you May. And Sorry. I tried...
22.
Happiness was what I had felt. Something that I hadn't felt purely for a long time. Alas, this happiness was not to be pure either. I was as happy as my capacity allowed at the time. I spent the entire night orbitting the emptiness which was the core of my existence then; it has been for a long, long time now. A simple shrug and point was all I needed to reaffirm myself that as happy as the occassion was, it was not for me. The happiness alas, was not for me. I know not what can ever fill this hideous vacuum which now resides in my heart... I know not why it or I was even there to begin with.
To be with my friends. People who I celebrate. People who remind me of the cheer that we are capable of creating for ourselves, to celebrate what we've all been through, to celebrate "us"-ness. A little insight from a dear friend soon had me questioning as well, why some of us were there. The uniqueness of the atmosphere of this little party soon unfolded into what a more observant me would have noticed without fail from the very beginning. For that night, it was not only our voices which were strained when the songs became singable... Manners? We lacked in them that night. Some of us even more so but what is one to do about such lax in conscience?
Smiles thrown here and there, laughter poured out of our hearts at each little antic we found ourselves doing... which of those smiles were donned at heart as there were on face?
As the night came to a close, I walked out of the room in which I had fallen aslumber and walked out to see that I had indeed missed a party. I had had a party robbed of me. I had been robbed of my birthday... I had been robbed of what used to be in this now vacant space inside... My wholeness, gone and along with it... someone else...
I do thank the hosts and all of my friends present for the organization and attendance of the little reunion. I fear though that I must say this has been the most melancholic of parties I've attended. I had fun. I really did. I enjoyed myself. But I was not fully myself to begin with.
Thank you Bishan, Thank you Kristie, Thank you Xinch, Thank you Bsim, Thank you May. And Sorry. I tried...
22.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Extravagant
I had a dream last night. I know we all dream but how many people create a song in the dream? I can only remember the general content of the lyrics and of course the type of song it was. Coming from myself, it was obviously an emotional love song. A sad one. I can't remember how the song goes and how it is sung but what I do know is that it was a song for You.
Remember once where you said you were destroying me? Although I denied it, both of us knew it was true. And it is. I know not what has become of the person I used to call myself. I am probably twenty times more irritable than I was before, I probably am less patient than I was before. Moody is the word constantly associable with me now. Interesting. I am much more quiet and less cheery. Destruction? Nice.
Maybe I should listen to you and believe this is all because I'm such an attention-seeker and everything that I'd ever done for you was because I wanted your attention. Well then you've justified how you were trying to extinguish my "crave" from the very beginning to the end of it all. Congratulations. Your ignoring of this annoying little brat has finally paid off. You finally have what you want. Now I have no one to seek attention from and no one around me to give my attention to. What will happen next? I shall curl into a ball and die. Oh wait, I have a poodle to help me do that now. Joy.
Keeping this entry short, I'd say that you were the best and the worst thing to ever have happenned to me. My 21st year was a blast. I love you (do you believe me now?!).
Remember once where you said you were destroying me? Although I denied it, both of us knew it was true. And it is. I know not what has become of the person I used to call myself. I am probably twenty times more irritable than I was before, I probably am less patient than I was before. Moody is the word constantly associable with me now. Interesting. I am much more quiet and less cheery. Destruction? Nice.
Maybe I should listen to you and believe this is all because I'm such an attention-seeker and everything that I'd ever done for you was because I wanted your attention. Well then you've justified how you were trying to extinguish my "crave" from the very beginning to the end of it all. Congratulations. Your ignoring of this annoying little brat has finally paid off. You finally have what you want. Now I have no one to seek attention from and no one around me to give my attention to. What will happen next? I shall curl into a ball and die. Oh wait, I have a poodle to help me do that now. Joy.
Keeping this entry short, I'd say that you were the best and the worst thing to ever have happenned to me. My 21st year was a blast. I love you (do you believe me now?!).
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Let It Simmer and then Watch It Fade.
The frustrated anger from my last post was as always, short-lived and soon overcome. That wasn't something that would create any obstacle at all for myself. What would indeed be hard to overcome is somewhat more substatial than anger. It would have to be the cacophony of all the experiences that we had shared, all the dreams and plans which I had thought would happen one day and the nethermost desacration of my already derelict hope.
I have since decided that I shall just continue to be who I really am. Some minor things will be tweaked and of course I should pay attention to more things and to act when action is called upon. Sitting back and watching things happen is marvelous, yet there are certain things in which one must stand up and act for or against.
I shall take with me bitter-sweet memories and cherish what we once had and scrap everything else which is irrelevant. Irrelevant? What was relevant/irrelevant? This doesn't make things any easier. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"? Well, I've found loving someone isn't as simple. The reason being that even having lost, I yet still love... Or do I?
"I would say that it is her loss but why do I feel that I've lost so much more?" No matter how that is phrased it ends up being the words of a self-absorbed fool mocking the very foundation of what people call love. Do not approach me and tell me that it is merely a method of making oneself feel better because any fool could look at the bigger picture and see he is but adding to his jug of sadness and only ends up with an overflowing tank.
I have since decided that I shall just continue to be who I really am. Some minor things will be tweaked and of course I should pay attention to more things and to act when action is called upon. Sitting back and watching things happen is marvelous, yet there are certain things in which one must stand up and act for or against.
I shall take with me bitter-sweet memories and cherish what we once had and scrap everything else which is irrelevant. Irrelevant? What was relevant/irrelevant? This doesn't make things any easier. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"? Well, I've found loving someone isn't as simple. The reason being that even having lost, I yet still love... Or do I?
"I would say that it is her loss but why do I feel that I've lost so much more?" No matter how that is phrased it ends up being the words of a self-absorbed fool mocking the very foundation of what people call love. Do not approach me and tell me that it is merely a method of making oneself feel better because any fool could look at the bigger picture and see he is but adding to his jug of sadness and only ends up with an overflowing tank.
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