A Little Bit of Heart-Music

The Fear You Won't Fall
Joshua Radin

Diggin a hole & the walls are caving in
behind me,
airs gettin thin but im trying, im breathing in
come find me

it hasnt felt like this before
it hasnt felt like home..before you

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I cant get my mind off of you.

I know your scared that
I'll soon be over it,
thats part of it all
part of the beauty of falling in love with you,
is the fear you wont fall

it hasnt felt like this before
it hasnt felt like home..before you

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I cant get my mind off of you.

and I hate the phone, but I wish you'd call
thought being alone, was better than, was better than...

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I cant get my mind off of you.

cant get my mind off of you,

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I cant get my mind off of you.

This song is so painful. I had looping for 2 hours last night.
Really painful. It was also one of the songs which Marylee & Kevin
played during BBQ.

What you will never know.

You look, but you don't see me.
I see you clear as day.
Day by day.
I watch you as you smile, how your eyes smile.
I watch my heart in your pocket. I watch it melt,
I watch it shatter and break.

You listen, but you don't hear me.
I hear you all about.
When you're near.
I hear you laugh, how your voice lifts me.
I listen to you as you speak, I listen silently.
I listen to my mind speak your name, over and over.
I am driving myself mad.

Pass by me. Walk through me. But never with me.
I reach out to you. I never make it.
I can never make it. You are too far. Too far.
I must let you go. I need to forget you.
You must never know. This pain I face,
Must always be my own. You do not deserve this.
Only I do. I let myself fall so hard.

I'm turning my back on you.
You will never know.
I will never know what it would be like,
To gaze into your eyes looking into mine.
To hold you. To play with your hair. To be yours.
I will never know. You must never know. I must let go.
At the very least, I must keep my pain to myself and only myself.

For those who understand this, comment but please do not ask questions. As for those who don't understand, just leave it be. The nature of the topic is such. Apologies.

The BBQ Nite

Today was the day that we were preparing for. Went up to Subang to meet up with Shaun & Loretta to get some final jamming done. They went pretty well. After we'd finished that up, we went to pick JoA up. The guys wanted to have lunch so we did. After lunch, we went for some CS. Somehow, I managed to top-frag today. We got bored of CS after a while. We turned to Starcraft! It's been too long. I was pretty much playing the game myself till I noticed that Shaun had gotten wiped out. Then I somehow beat Loretta (haha). We just figured out we could play Diablo 2 when we had to leave (sigh).

On the way towards HUC where we (The Brotherhood of the Pink Ribbon), were to perform tonight for the BBQ Nite. We passed by a toppled car on the way. Oddest of oddities. There was an opened man-hole cover, the cops, the toppled car but no driver in sight, no skid marks, no broken glass, nothing. Odd. On reaching the foyer, where it was all going to happen, I was greeted with a voice which I never knew existed. Mary Lee. Amazing. She has such an amazing voice. Never thought that she could sing. Such talent.

When it came to our turn to do a sound check, we were asked to play a number. We chose the medley. The freaking medley. I emo-ed by just listening to the introduction of the first song. I have no idea why but something was off with the Chinese song. Well, after our sound check, I was just constantly emo-ing and when the performances began, the songs they played only intensified my emotions. Mary Lee & Kevin's performance was just so powerful. They were all mellow and soft songs but their choice of songs just plucked at my heart-strings like an eager harp. They did so well. Up next was Kingsley. I've heard some of Kingsley's songs before and he played the sweetest of songs for his girlfriend. They were so sweet.

We were up next. I was so nervous. From the beginning of the first song I felt like I needed to stand up but I kept in my seat. I guess it might've been obvious because I was a little fidgety. Really, I felt this absurd tingling in my chest. That happens everytime I get evaluation apprehension (go grab a psychology handbook :P). We sang the medley, I'm Yours, You & Me and wrapped the show up with When You Say Nothing At All. The Chinese song was wierd all over again. I don't know why. Maybe I was too emo-ed. To make myself feel better, I tried my hand at some one-liners to keep the crowd smiling. It worked, their laughter settled me a bit but I was still tingling. By the time we came to our last song, I couldn't take it any longer. I decided that I'd sing the last one standing up. Although this was probably the only song with mistakes by me and Shaun, this was probably the only song of the night where the audience actually sang along with a volume which could be heard. I'm glad I caught the crowd's attention. It took me long enough (==). I think people liked our performance. I'm glad they did. I glad we did it.

After the performance (since we were the last) the acoustics were all over. Friends were praising me left and right, I couldn't take it, not even in my normal state, let alone in my emo state. I need to learn how to accept compliments better. Really it's embarassing to act like a kid when I get them from people I'm not very close to all the time.
[Note: I'm not bragging, quite few people did come up to me with lines like "OMG you have such a nice voice..." and "You were brilliant Wayne!!"]

After playing some of the games organized by the council, we (a whole bunch of us: Loretta, Shaun, JoA, Munn, The Fuz, JoJo, Bunny, Yi Yang, Ivy, Kristy & Deon) went off to Murni's to grab some grub since Loretta & I didn't eat anything. Had a hard time trying to finish what I ordered (Napoleon Fried Rice - Fried Rice w/ fries, keropok & cordon bleu). The fact that I kept bursting out in laughter every minute didn't help with digestion at all either. At long last I finished my food and watched as Loretta didn't (he ordered the same thing I did, haha).

When we were done with the food, JoJo, The Fuz, Loretta & myself went off to play some CS while the others left for home. CS wasn't fun. We were too far apart to have any real fun. I was emo-ing all the way now. I had a window-seat at the cybercafe. Whenever I had the time, I'd look out the window and just emo... After about an hour and a half, Loretta had to leave so we all did.

And that ended a pretty interesting day indeed. Still Emo.

A Shorter Post

My toe still hurts. It was throbbing this morning. I was limping like mad when I was rushing to catch the bus. Sadness indeed. I was aching all over. My head, my back, my thighs and my toes. Literally from head to toe? I really do need to sleep more like a human being. With my timetable and my lifestyle, it really isn't easy.

I messed my speech up today. Did it in the wrong format. I lost 50% of my marks right there. I got so peeved at that that I just took off and left, even though I was reminded that it was rude. The lecturer did impart a kind word or two. I brought it upon myself.

We jammed again today. Additional ideas for songs were : You & Me, This I Promise You. I didn't do well in the recording we made today. I need to buck up. Need to make sure I feel my songs. Need to really express. I don't want to go all emotional after the songs though. Happens too often. Way too often.

The 4 Day Package.

Wednesday

We finally auditioned on Wednesday. Well, I can be sure that Loretta & myself were nervous. He looked the part and even followed through by fumbling here and there (the others didn't know he fumbled though). I on the other hand was seriously having a hard time getting my voice out there. Couldn't hit keys nor could I sustain them. To make this even funnier than it already is, it was a private audition. We had a room all to ourselves and only about 7 people were there to hear us. Only 7 people and we're already in pieces. We've got quite a bit of work to do. Well, we got through. I'm grateful and very much relieved because even with that performance, we already got a "I like it a lot". If we can get composed properly, I think we'll do wonders on the night itself. Ha. Did I mention that I think I'd like to call us The Brotherhood of the Pink Ribbon? In the night when I got home, I picked up the lame Malay article and began to translate it for the group members (and myself). God, I was up all night. Sick of Malay. Yes. Sick Sick Sick. Then I left home for college.

Thursday

Yes, I left home for college and was a zombie which was too tired to even sleep in JoA's car. Today we had tutorials, tutes were fun. JoA was finally enlightened on why I called someone what I called her before. Now she understands that I wasn't being mean (lol). After tutes and JoA's short meeting, we began trying to figure out where to eat. We settled for lunch in Rice Bowls. Some interesting conversation ensued. During our interesting conversation, an idea of what to do while waiting for The Fuz to get to the train station came to me. We were to go to KL Tower. JoA had wanted to go for a while now (2 years?) and I never really thought of visiting because it never really crossed my mind. We headed towards the tower and reached there after taking a wrong turn or two. It was interesting how when we reached the base of the tower, we seemed more excited about looking for the entrance to the duty-free store there. We couldn't find it because the store wasn't opened yet (sadness). In disappointment, we then went into the tower. RM20 (sheesh), that's what it costs for a foreigner to get to the top of the tower. I was a little shocked when the lady at the counter said that if we showed her our ICs, we, as Malaysian citizens only had to pay half that price. The wonders of being a Malaysian! I'm patriotic again!
The tower was nothing special though. Of all the days to go up there, we chose a hazy day. We couldn't see too far and besides, the observation deck was a little crowded. It was alright I guess, for the first 5 minutes.

One of the pix we took at KL Tower

Well, after leaving the very interesting KL tower, we decided it was time to go. I hadn't slept all night. I was up doing a translation of some lame Malay psychology article. I think I've had enough of Malay for a while. We went to pick The Fuz up. On the way there I fell asleep. We picked up The Fuz and then after changing at JoA's place, we took off for Rio to play some futsal. FUTSAL! Me?! Futsal?! Something I really didn't expect myself to enjoy. I was never really a footie person. Sure I've played my share of footie back in highschool but that was it. Never really touched a football since highschool (so I correct myself here, it's been more than 2 years. Maybe even 4 years). Well, I got the taste of what I had expected. My stamina was in the ruts. 15 minutes into the game and I was panting like mad. I really needed to get out of the court. After another exhausting half, we went for drinks and some food. Then we all dispersed and JoA dropped me off at the bus stop (thank you!!). At home, I washed up and waited for my hair to dry before I took a nap. Woke up later than expected. Oversleeping is a hobby. JoA called me nearly 13-15 times (thank you!!). Got up and began to rush my Social Psychology assignment. I forged on till about 5am then gave up because I began to see words which weren't in the articles I was reading and began to type things which didn't make any contextual sense (aka, I was sleepy).

Friday

I woke up at 12pm and began to finish off my assignment. I did. When I got ready to go out and head to college, it began raining again. I had no choice but to borrow my granny's flowery little umbrella (I think it's cute). After rushing to hand up my assingment, I headed off into Subang to meet JoA. We were going to play CS with Shaun & Loretta (Dong has been ammended to Shaun by request). It was a fun night as we watched JoA suppress the enemy once more. Such skill. Well, after a bit of coaxing, I agreed to join Loretta, Shaun, The Fuz, JoA and Adam to play futsal with them at the CFP fustal meet the next day. At 2am in the morning, I managed to convince Reneeta to join our team as well and her only condition was that she didn't play at all and was a reserve.

Saturday

I woke up late (AGAIN!). We were going to play futsal again. I was supposed to meet JoA at the train station at 10:30 but I woke up at 9:50 (the HoRRoR!). I was forced to call The Fuz and get him to drive us to Shaun's place. He did and we got there. We met up there and after having a light breakfast, we began to search for the place. We found it after a while and in fact, we weren't all that late (haha). We entered the arena and found a sweaty Reneeta. Some of her first words were "You remember I told you I didn't want to play right? Well, I've played!" (LoL). We all began to get warmed up for the game and when we played, we played. I was reluctant to even play at first but after the first game (which was also very tiring) I think I got all hyped up. I wanted to play more. After the second game, my right thigh began to work up. My toes were killing me too but I wanted to play somemore (wahahahaha). In the last game, this big guy side-stepped into my foot and I ended up with my big toe blue-blacked (if there is such a word). What made matters worse was that a while after that, I had to swerve out of the way because this time, a girl side-stepped into my way. That pretty much killed my toe and thigh. Well, the games were loads of fun. I've never been this hyped up about playing futsal before but yeah, I am now. I'm waiting for my toe to heal and then I'm going to play somemore (lol).
After the games, we had some drinks and food then went on to have our showers. I had to take a bath at Loretta's and from there waited for JoA to finish washing up.

JoA was going to take me to pick up my little sister so that we could take her to the magic show which was going on Subang Parade. When we made it there, I found my little sister crying. My Mom had struck again. I will not go into the specifics but simply put, my mom had made my sister cry and that pretty much spoilt her mood and she ended up locking herself into a room and not willing to come out. I decided that it was best we left this little trip for some other time and left but on the way decided that I should buy my sister something to make her feel a bit better. JoA was understanding and kind enough to turn back and let me buy some KFC for my little sister. After that, I ended up telling JoA a story I hadn't told anyone for a while. My past. We headed off for dinner. We had quite decent food. I got stuffed again. Besides the little kink in the night with my sister's issue, I had a generally good time.

The Kreig-Commando Junkress

Today seemed like a rather bland day to begin with. I woke up at 8-something to find that i was sleeping face down and that i was lying on my dislodged shoulder. I struggled to move. The anticipation of the impending pain was sincerely an obstacle which took me at the very least 2 minutes to overcome and to get a grip of my shoulder as I attempted to push my shoulder back into place. It crunched back into place. Ouch. That done, I returned to sleep, writhing in pain. I woke up about 4-5 hours later to find that I not only had a throbbing shoulder but I also felt like a steam-roller did a number on my lumbar.

Ah, food. It seems there was no lunch for me at home. I resorted to making some French Toast for myself. It's been a while since I'd touched the wok. I can still make a decent serving of French Toast (yay!).

Was thinking that I should get some work done or at least I should've studied some since my mid-terms for my Social Psychology class were on Tuesday but that all didn't happen. I suddenly had the urge to play Granado Espada. I did that till 5-ish. I then got a message from The Fuz saying that he was going up to Midvalley to get the survey for liquor done (some survey which I was also going to participate in). (*Poof*, the could-have-been-productive-day goes up in smoke)

After leaving the house abruptly without having dinner, I got a taste of some of the traffic which JoA had sufferred earlier today while going home from college. After completing the interesting survey in which left me feeling no less than an alcoholic and almost as thirsty as one, The Fuz & I met up with JoA in MPH and went off for dinner. Murni's!! On reaching Murni's, we called JoJo who was coincidentally around the area as well and was more than happy to join us for dinner. After a happy and satiating dinner, we took a peek at the movies available in the DVD store near Murni's and I picked up the 3rd movie from the Monty Python's collection (yay again!).

Some discussion and decisions later, we were bound for Subang to drop off JoA's car and then headed off to a cybercafe. After searching for a place which wasn't filled to the brim with eager gamers, we began playing Counter-Strike. At first my mind was more occupied with what JoA was going to do while The Fuz, JoJo & myself shot each other silly but interestingly enough, JoA joined in on the massacre and we ended up playing against AI. It was maddenning fun. Everytime one of us died we cracked up and began laughing at the antics which we could and couldn't pull off. Although she started off slow, JoA soon warmed up, found herself a favourite rifle (the Kreig-Commando) and began ravaging the opponent. She beat me flat (sheesh).

Although I was struggling to stay awake half the time (damn my body clock), it was a fun night. I enjoyed myself and I'm glad to hear that everyone had a good time. So tomorrow it's back to the real world again. (=D)

Today's Roadtrip

Was woken up the funny way by my aunt again (how she does it everytime my uncle - her brother-in-law comes to give me a ride to the train station). My trusty Mp4 player did not fail me. The song of the moment was a Chinese song. In fact the song was sung in Taiwanese Hokkien, not very very different from the Hokkien I speak but I can understand and even sing along. After being picked up by JoA, we went to buy fuses for her FM Modulator thingy which has been out of order for about more than a week or two. She suspected that it was the fuse (and she just might be right) which was burnt and preventing the machine to work. Even after buying and installing the new fuse, it still didn't work. I guess she needs to go back to Low Yatt to get it replaced.

After that little bit of fuse-purchase, we headed for UKM in Bangi. We needed to look for a journal article which was written by some Rozli B. Ismail. When we got there, JoA & i discovered that to use the Library in UKm for 1 day and it cost 20 bucks person. JoA decided she wanted to go in. The great news is that we 've found the library and we have a copy of the journal which we really needed now. The downside to that would be the fact that the journal was in Bahasa Melayu. The only interesting thing was that when JoA spoke to one of the ladies in the library, she was criticized for waearing baby-tee and was told that she was being too revealing (heh).

After we'd gotten what we'd wanted from the place, we left it. Looking now for food. We looked around Bangi but couldn't find a decent chinese hawker stall around. We moved onto Cheras and KL. In the end, we missed one turn along the Federal Highway which resulted in JoA having to go in one big circle to get to Taman Sea so we could have our chinese food (hah). After the meal, we picked up Dong and went for another drink. We then went to a cybercafe where we played Tower Defence (I really don't know how to play) and got my tail-whipped by Dong. After a game or two, Loretta had come into Subang again and was ready to roll. We went back to Dong's place and began jamming again.

As stated before, we've been jamming since last week. I've been having loads of fun and also been getting stressed by not being able to sing. I can't remember lyrics, my timing is off, I can't hit and sustain keys for times long enough for songs to sound good.
We've done some recordings and JoA seems to enjoy secretly recording our conversations. Some of the conversations we have while we jam can be quite amusing.

Today we tried to further improve our songs and we did, by a bit. Last night I discovered that the BBQ night (which we are preparing to audition & perform for) was not some time in July but it was on the 14th of June which would make it happenning withing 2 weeks' time. I'm glad we've got an audition on Wednesday after classes. I really hope we make the audition. I'm nervous but I am also eager to perform that night in front of my friends. I might like the experience.